Page 25 of Prudence
An image of Aunt Nell flashed in my mind, her pain and hurt when she’d told me what had happened between her and Derek’s dad, and the fear in her eyes at the idea of me making the same mistakes. Every once in a while, I’d consider telling Derek about it, what had transpired between his father and my aunt. But the way he spoke of his dad, the respect and love he held for the man, I didn’t have it in me to shatter that image. Padraigmight’ve been cruel to Aunt Nell, but he’d been a seventeen-year-old boy at the time. It didn’t mean he hadn’t changed and matured, becoming the good father Derek saw him as now. And that was why I kept it to myself. In my mind, no good could come from telling him.
A tear trickled down my cheek, and his breathing hitched. “Hey, don’t cry. This is supposed to be a happy moment.”
He was right. I should be happy, but I wasn’t. I was devastated. Because no matter how much I might love him back, I simply couldn’t hurt my aunt in that way. If it weren’t for her, my life would’ve turned out so much worse. She’d bailed my parents out numerous times because they were so bad with money they’d almost gone bankrupt. She’d even paid off the remainder of their mortgage so we’d always have a roof over our heads. Countless times she’d made sacrifices to save us, and now, it was my turn to repay her.
Too bad it came in the form of breaking my own heart—and Derek’s.
He let go of my hands to wipe away my tears, his touch full of gentle care that only made me want to cry harder. Then, before I properly understood what was happening, he pulled something from his pocket. It was the same thing he’d been anxiously fiddling with earlier, and all the air fled my lungs when he started to get down on one knee.
“Derek, wait …” I said, reaching for his shoulders to prevent him from kneeling, but he was already on the sand, the small black velvet box in his hold as he gazed back up at me.
“This past year, I haven’t wanted to spend time with anyone but you, Milly. Every time I’m away from you, all I can think about is how long it will be before I can see you again. And when I look into the future, I can’t imagine it without you by my side.” He paused speaking to open the box, revealing a beautiful antique diamond engagement ring within. The stonepractically glittered under the hot August sun. I was trapped in the moment, barely able to think coherently as the sea wind whipped up my hair, long strands flying in my face as I stared mutely down at Derek.
“This ring was my grandmother’s. She died when I was thirteen and left this to me as her eldest grandchild. She said I should give it to the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that woman is you …” His words trailed off as his nerves got the better of him for a second. I watched his throat bob as he swallowed. When he spoke again, his voice was a low rumble that vibrated through me, causing butterflies to erupt throughout my body. I couldn’t believe this was happening.
“Camille,” he said, his gold-flecked eyes latching onto mine. “Will you marry me?”
Again, tears fell down my cheeks. My heart cracked right down the centre. Derek was asking me to marry him, and I … I had to say no even while everything inside me yearned to say yes. I felt like I was being torn apart.
“Derek,” I whispered, tenderly reaching out to stroke his hair. “I’m so sorry, but I can’t.”
My response caused a visceral reaction in him, and his shoulders sank as his chest deflated. I hated myself in that moment. Hated that I had to hurt him.
His gaze flickered back and forth, confusion marring his handsome features, then at last, devastation. “You don’t love me,” he said, a statement not a question.
He began to stand, rising back to his full impressive height. I reached for his hand. “That’s not it. I feel a lot for you. You’re my b-best friend. But we’re too young to make such a commitment. I’m only nineteen, and you’re barely twenty. It wouldn’t be … It wouldn’t be prudent.”
His eyebrow arched. “Prudent? If you felt for me what I feel for you, prudence wouldn’t even enter your mind, Milly. Not for a single second.” He slammed his palm against his chest. “I know with absolute certainty that I could love you for the rest of my life. Not a day would go by where I didn’t worship at your feet. If that feeling were returned, there would be no question. You’d move mountains to be with me just like I know I’d do the same for you.”
His words took me down, striking hard like a knife to the heart. Was that true? If I loved Derek like I believed I did, would hurting my aunt even matter? Maybe he was right. One thing was for sure, I didn’t deserve him. Not for a second. He was willing to marry me, devote his life to me, but I couldn’t commit to him in the same way.
Derek shoved the ring box back in his pocket, his eyes so forlorn it was difficult to breathe.
“I hope you find happiness, Camille. I hope you fulfil all your dreams and do everything you set out to. Wherever your life leads, I will always love you, and I will always think of you.”
With that, he bent down and pressed a paralyzingly mournful kiss to my temple before he turned and walked away. I stood there until his figure was far in the distance. Then I dropped to the sand and cried until I had no more tears left to shed.
9.
Milly
~18 years later~
Present day
My hands shook a little holding the bottle of wine as I approached the front door of the Balfe family home.
I hadn’t stepped foot in this house in almost two decades. It was like travelling back in time. Aside from my old friend, Nuala, it had been years since I’d seen most of these people. My social anxiety was getting the better of me, but it was my own fault for accepting the invitation to Nuala’s mother’s sixty-fifth birthday party in the first place. It arrived three weeks ago while my daughter, Deirdre, and I had still been unpacking our belongings after the moving van arrived from London. I was full of fresh start energy, deciding I might finally discover my inner social butterfly and RSVP’d straight away.
Now I was living with the regret of that decision.
Making plans was always so much more fun when said plans were weeks or months in the future.
It wasn’t that I wasn’t excited to see Nuala. It had been several years since we’d met up. Normally, if she were coming to London, we’d arrange to meet for lunch, but she hadn’t been over for a few years. No, it was her elder brother I was most apprehensive about seeing.
Derek Balfe, my teenage sweetheart. Well,almost. We’d never quite gotten past the “friends who pined for one another” stage, which I accepted was all my fault. I’d kept him at arm’slength, denied my feelings for him because of my loyalty to my aunt.
At the tender age of twenty, Derek had gotten down on one knee and asked me to marry him. I’d said no. Sometimes I still felt a sharpness in my chest at the memory of that day. How I sank down onto the sand as he walked away, my heart breaking in two for rejecting him. At the time, it was the hardest, most callous thing I’d ever had to do. In certain ways, I still felt awful about it, but we were so young, definitely not ready to make such a big commitment.
