Page 43 of The Devil's Detail
He doesn’t grin back. Fuuuuuccck. This ain’t goin’ well. At all.
“Look, Jackson, do I want to fuck you? Yes, of course I do. But I’d really love to try for it to be so much more. I don’t want to risk a quick roll in the hay, and then that’s it. I’ve done all that, and I know you have too. I’m looking for more, and if you’re not, then just say so. I’m not sure I could stand taking you to bed, and then you leavin’, and that’s it. In fact, I know I won’t.” I’m amazed at how cool I sound. How definite. But I can also hear the bite of desperation underneath.
“Yeah, but to be fair, you don't know that. What if we get to it, and you don’t want it. You decide I’m not the man you think I am. What then, Carter? After I’ve paraded around fucking town, as your boyfriend, for you to say my ball sack is saggy and my clothes are shit, so it’s a no from you.”
His eyebrows are up near his hairline, and I can see his mind spinning out of control. The paps, London, the school in LA, the restaurant… And, classic, the picnic.
I try to hide the obvious disappointment that is now pouring out of me. “I won’t. Trust me, I’ve thought about it. Hell, man, I dream about it. Have for fuckin’ months.” I try to lighten thetension and blurt out, “But just so you know, I’m always toppin’, baby.”
He snorts a laugh at that. “In your fucking dreams, Carter.” His eyes are boring into mine, and I can hardly breathe.
“Yeah, sugar, you are. And I’m definitely toppin’.”
I go to move towards him, but check myself before I can fully embarrass us both.
He scrubs his hands down his face, and runs his finger through his hair. It’s a mess, a gorgeous chocolate cake mixture mess. I want to pull it together, let my tongue follow down his face where that hand just travelled. Down his chest. My eyes must be moving downwards, as he coughs, giving me a knowing look, and brings me back to reality.
“What about when you move on?” Fuck, he’s done me and left me. “What then? I’m in fucking security. Everyone will have a field day. Oh look, here comes Carter Fucking Maywood’s boyfriend. Dumped boyfriend. Couldn’t even hold down an actor. Shit, I don’t even know if I’m gay.” His voice has started to rise and it’s making the hairs stand up on my arms, and it’s not a positive vibe.
“Do you have to know? Have you been with a man? I heard you had.”
He looks up sharply at that, surprise on his face. “Really? Who from?” Sharp and cold. Jesus. Fuck.
“It’s LA, honey. People talk. It was a while ago. But I thought I heard it. Have I got it all wrong then? These past few days, I thought you’d been flirtin’ with me, sugar.” Oh holy shit, just go for it now. No turning back.
He drops his head back, and not in a good way. Although his throat is revealed to me, and I’m salivating.
“I have,” he admits, turning those brown eyes on me. They’ve changed, though. There’s a softness to them. “Been flirting. And yes, I’ve been with men, but also women. Usually it’s women.”He pauses and sighs. “And to be honest, Carter, the fact that you are so high profile scares the shit out of me. We wouldn’t be able to have a ‘normal’ affair. There’s nothing fucking normal about your life. You live it out there. Warts and all. I would be shoved out into it with you. When I really want to be in the shadows.” I can see the panic in his eyes. Definitely should have stuck with the fuck.
“I won’t have a relationship in the shadows. That’s not who I am. I scrambled out of the closet at fifteen, flag awaving. I won’t be pushed back into it. But I would try my damnedest to keep you away from the limelight. I know it’s not what you want. To be honest, that’s part of why I want you. If you want me, I know you’re doing it for me. Not what I can give you in publicity. You work for me already. Well, not you personally, but your company.” I’m rambling like an open book now, imploring him to understand.
“Yeah, well that would have to stop,” he interrupts me.
“No it wouldn’t. Who says? Who makes that rule?” My scowl is epic. No chance that’s happening. “I do, you do. I can pay whoever the fuck I want to provide security for me. And I want Commsec International. The fact that you’ll be my boyfriend just means the guys you send will watch out for you, too. Just as they do now.” I gentle my voice. I’m not pleading yet, but I might get there. “That will all be the same, you know that. Is it because you’re worried your colleagues will think you’re gay, and you don’t like that?”
His expression changes from slightly anxious to furious in a nanosecond. “I don’t give a fuck about anyone’s sexuality. If they don’t want me to protect them or provide security services because I have a boyfriend, then fuck them. Their fucking loss. I don’t put any labels on anyone. My own sister has two husbands, for god’s sake.”
The anger runs hot, and while someone else might be worried, I’m definitely not. Because all it’s doing is showing me how deep he is, how much he cares. And I love it.
“Well, what’s the problem then?” I add coolly.
“The whole fucking circus. The whole celebrity thing.” He’s waving his hands around animatedly. “It’s a pain. I know you love it, but I don’t. I see it from both sides, the good and the bad. We’d be fighting for a private life. I know we shouldn’t have to, but we will. And because it’s you, and me, it will be harsh in some circles. Followed around, everyone trying to get ‘the shot’. It’s relentless now. Paps at every corner. It’s not a life I crave. It’s not a spot I want to fill.” He looks down, his mind seemingly spun out into oblivion.
When he continues, his voice is softer, like his brain is still assimilating information it doesn’t like. He even looks more subdued. “Do you want it to be just me, or are you ‘dating’ a few people, pick your day of the week? Because if you are, there’s no way I’m laying it all on the line for you to wander off with Tuesday’s boy.”
He’s moved from frustrated with the system to annoyed at me. He’s lightning fast, his brain moving at warp speed, and I’m having a little trouble keeping up with it all.
And he calls me dramatic. Emotional. Well, seems Mr Man here is carrying some very heavy shit too. But that little distraction isn’t working on me. He’s afraid. I get it. Time to put that fear to rest.
“I want it to be just us. If you say yes, you will be my everyday guy. Every. Fuckin’. Day. I’ve never done this, to be honest. I’ve always kept my options open. But I know you wouldn’t like that, so that’s why I’m asking for us to date. Just us.” My voice is a virtual growl, but my heart is banging in my chest. I want to reach out to touch the jaw that’s jutting out at me. Run my fingertips along that pouty mouth. Even if it’s gonna say ‘no’.
His head is shaking side to side, an unconscious movement. His lips drawn in on each other. Well, fuck, it looks like a ‘no’.
“Would I have to go to events? You’ve got a few coming up.”
“If it’s appropriate, and you want to, I’d like you to come, yes.”
“So I’d be on full fucking display, holding hands with you in fucking public. Smiling at the cameras on the red carpet. Like fucking Gary.”
