Page 84 of Thick as Thieves
Kell, I know you are terrified of having any more children, but to learn you’ve taken all the decisions away from us and had a vasectomy with no discussion is a kick in the guts. What if I wanted more children? You should have discussed it with me. I would never have put you in any situation that you didn’t want to be in. But you have shoved me into that exact place. Without a thought of anyone but yourself. Again you have not trusted me with any decisions. No TRUST is no way to build or carry on a relationship.
Kell is crumbling before my eyes. We’d blamed the girls, thinking that was the issue. But it was more fundamental. It was us. We are the masters of the downfall. We are the creators of this hell.
The paternity test.
The test we did when the boys were first born. The irony is that it’s never been opened. We have no idea what it says. It was stashed in Dad’s safe, hopefully never to be seen again. A security insurance. But it has killed her trust in us. She thinks it was due to other reasons.
I thought she didn’t trust our love. But she did. Not a mention of the lies that poured out of those women. Her love was bigger than that. Her trust deeper than any ocean. But she thinks our love for her is based on evidence of her trustworthiness. A confirmation of facts about the boys.
But it was never about that. We should have trusted her with the information. We should have discussed it in more detail. Discussed why we wanted it done. But we didn’t, and now she’s gone. And I’m not sure if we can rebuild it this time.
38
Kellen
The paternity test.
Mick is staring daggers at me. I discussed it with him at the time and he told me not to do it. It wasn’t needed. It could be done at another time in the future, when and if it was needed. Don’t put the cart before the horse. But I never listened. We didn’t listen. And now it has cost me my life. The only life I was ever happy with.
I knew how special Evie was. How exceptionally brave she is. To take me on in the first place, then us both. To listen to the abuse on a daily basis. And carry on loving us.
I even congratulated myself at one point, thinking about the test, unread, locked in Himself’s safe. How all those words and insults shouted by paps were pointless, as we knew that the children were mine. I never doubted it for a second.
The stories that just kept coming, the horrible words written. The vitriol directed at Evie. Those are the reasons I did it. I know someone will come for my children. For my wife. The horrendous women I allowed to permeate the air with evil words and vile views. My own mother—the woman who tried to kill my wife and son years ago—was seduced by the lies, they were that compelling. All this was floating around in my head when I thought about that fucking test.
My wife at twenty five weeks pregnant. Pushed into the road, in an attempt to get rid of her and my sons. All this was at the forefront of my decision. Protection. Security. Jonno agreed with it. But then Jonno has always been overzealous with security when it comes to his sister.
But at no point, ever, in that whole decision process, was trust of her word a factor. At no point ever did I think those kids were not mine. James was mine from the minute I laid eyes on him. Those boys, when they were pulled from her body by my husband, were mine. The love that passed from those children to me that day, I couldn’t do the feeling justice with words. There are not enough of them, none too deep to describe what it felt like.
But the idea or thoughts of love and trust were never in play when I decided to do that test. It was all about my fear. My aim to protect, because I loved them.
Through my ego of knowing best—not consulting, not explaining my fear, bottling it up and not telling Evie my thoughts—I’ve broken my wife’s heart. I’ve ripped out my husbands. And mine has shrivelled and died. Without her, I’m a dry husk of a man.
39
Xander
MexicoCity
The silence is deafening.No babies crying, no laughter. No life. No Evie singing in the kitchen, with all the wrong lyrics. Laughing with Valentina to reggaeton songs, with Evie getting the Spanish wrong. I can fucking smell her. I have her pillow next to my mouth and nose. What if this fades and I can’t catch her scent anymore? Or the twins’?
I’ve not gotten out of bed for four days I think. We have a gig, and I’ve got to move. Tim has been drafted in with Jase to get us all moving.
Mornings are the worst. I always got them up, seeing their little faces sleepy in the morning. Rubbing their eyes, lighting up when Evie came into the room. How they made noises so we knew she was near.
There is no life, no light left. It drained away with every word on that note, that text. I would give anything to keep them with me, with us. But she hasn’t given us a chance to explain. And to be honest, I can’t blame her for that. We didn’t give her a chance to explain why she said no to that test last year. We were not listening.
How did it get to this? Go so wrong so fast. Clearly we hurt her deeply. We took her for granted, took what we had for granted, when we both knew it was so fucking special. We did exactly what her brothers had done. Underestimated her, disregarded her feelings. Too high and fucking mighty.
Tears are leaking out of my eyes. Kellen, who looks as bad if not worse than me, comes into the bedroom. He cannot sleep in here.
He lays down next to me. “I don’t want to sing, I don’t think I can. We need to cancel, go home. We need to try to get them back. We did it before. She’ll come round, she’s a reasonable person. I think. She forgave her brothers. Although I know she’s not speaking to Jonno as he’s the only one speaking to us.” He gulps as he then says, “I know they don’t have the same relationships with her now, but at least she still sees them.”
He’s grasping at straws. “Are you texting her? She hasn’t changed her number, just the handsets. You did before, keep doing it, Xander. She can’t forget us, we love her. We need her to know how much. It was never about trust. I can’t fucking breathe.”
His chest heaves, he looks like he’s having a panic attack. I hold onto his hand and we lay there, trying to catch a whisper of her scent. Praying for a whisper of a chance.
We sit togetherat the table. The press have gotten wind of the split—God knows how—and we are again surrounded. But there’s no Miguel coming to our rescue. He was there for Evie, he tells Tim, we are on our own. Even Valentina’s family are ignoring our calls. Their solidarity lies with Evie.
