Page 74 of Thick as Thieves
They all snigger at that. I feel like I’m on the ropes in a boxing match with no let up. And my opponent just keeps swinging.
“Xan can be, well, he’s different, more intense. And he obviously likes all the other stuff more than Marcus.” Texas, the Marcus Russell and Xander Barclay expert, getting into her flow as if she’s on fuckingMastermind.
“Who would you go with again, Tex? Marcus or Xan?” asks Tanya, as if it’s some sort of menu.
“I’d rather have Evie,” she says, and my chest constricts.
I have to clap my hands over my mouth so that no sound escapes. Horror film style, where the victim is being hunted and needs to remain silent. But I’m not sure I’ll manage it. I think I’m having a heart attack. I knew she wasn’t right, that there was some ulterior motive to her being nice, and now I find out it’sme. Is my life not complicated enough?
“Well that isn’t happening. They don’t let anyone near her, especially Xander. He’s had a go at me loads this holiday,” says Clara in disgust. “Every time I’ve tried to cajole her into an outing, or go shopping with me, get to know her a bit better, he’s up in my face telling me to get lost. And he’s not even polite about it. It’s as if he doesn’t want us to get to know her in any way, shape, or form. So you’ve got no chance, Texas.”
Tanya adds, “Well, I hope what Gabe said is true. Because if he ties her up and gets on a roll, it might be your lucky night, Texas.”
They all laugh again and start to move out, still chattering, excitement in the air as they get ready for the night of their lives.
I let my hand fall from my mouth and draw in a deep breath. I’m sitting here feeling like someone has punched a hole in my chest where my heart used to be. Can it be true? Do they really want me to go with that lot? Not a chance in hell that is happening. It can’t be true. He would have said. He told me only things I would enjoy, and he knows I would never enjoy that. If I wasn’t sat down, my legs would buckle and I’d hit the canvas. A knockout blow.
Even earlier tonight, Kellen made sure no one could actually see me or them. We could have been doing nothing. But we weren’t.
I drop my head back onto the wall. What a hypocrite I am. Those girls may have a point. Maybe I am playing a role of goody two shoes, when in actual fact I’m as bad as them. Who gets finger fucked in a nightclub? At its most basic level, that is exactly what happened. I can dress it up as love—they love me, they worship me—but down at brass tacks, that is what I’ve just done. My brow furrows and my jaw quivers as I bite down on my bottom lip, disappointment in myself hitting me hard.
What happened to candlelight dinners, a bottle of wine, and making love on a rug in front of a roaring log fire? Oh please, my mind chides, you’ve got two men. What are you going to do? One at 7:00 p.m. and the next one at 9:30 p.m. and you can’t go out, because the world thinks you’re a ho. Well, if my actions this evening are being scrutinised by anyone, I may have just proved them right.
I’m losing myself to them. It’s my brothers all over again, minus the sex of course. I’m railroaded, pushed around in a nice way, but still it’s happening. I’ve turned back into a people pleaser, trying to please everyone, and forgetting about myself. But my rational mind says they do love me, they do want me, they can’t wait to get back home to us. Xander told me he didn’t want just sex, he wanted love, and I believed him.
But sometimes love is not enough. Sometimes he needs sex of a different sort, and he hasn’t done any of that. Well, not with me. Is this what it’s all about? Moving the boundaries a bit each time? First just Kell, then them both, then with all the extras, whips, rope, chains. Then Gabe, Levi, Texas. First one on one then as a group.
My mind has spun off into those fucking white tents. I saw that there, it was their normal standard. How they liked to live, just what they did, their usual MO. Why did I think they would change? They haven’t, they’ve just been biding their time, pushing a bit at me, further and further into their lives and how they live it.
Well it stops here.
Tears spring to my eyes. I can’t get my breath, my heart is pounding so hard in my chest. I’ve got tingles in my hands and feet, as if I’m going to faint. I’m sure I’ve been here with them before. But it was probably just Kellen then. I shake my head. Yeah, and you’ve gone along with it, and now it’s not.
Nausea rises again in my throat and the tequila from earlier is making a reappearance. I stand up, turn around, and vomit into the toilet. I’m going to faint, and I hang onto the toilet for dear life, as if it’s the last life raft on a sinking ship.
Roza, who is back from her break, knocks lightly on the door in concern.
“Evie, you okay?”
“I’m good, just too much Tequila,” I tell her. “I’ll be a minute. I just want to be alone for a few minutes.”
“Si,” she replies.
I hear her sit back down on her attendant chair, and I sit quietly on the loo in the stall. My mind is totally blank.
31
Evie
My phone rings,startling me back to consciousness. Jude. I debate whether to take the call. He hasn’t phoned me for a few weeks, well nearly a month actually, so I decide to answer. Anything for a distraction. “Hey Brown, how’s it going?”
He stutters, and I’m not sure if it’s because I answered with Brown or not. Clearly I’ve thrown him off balance.
“I’m sorry I’ve not rang. Things have been a bit of a mess here,” he rushes out.
I didn’t know that. “Oh, all okay now?” I ask, concerned.
“Getting better,” he gushes on. “I’ve ended things with Isobel.”
