Page 33 of Thick as Thieves
My chest feels like someone is hacking at it. Is this what I’ll miss out on, what my Dad missed out on? I fucking won’t. I won’t.
“Do you want to know what we ask each other for, both of us, for our birthdays?” It’s so random, she looks down at me in surprise.
“You don’t have to say. It’s not a problem for me not to know.” She smiles shyly at me, remembering how she’s harassed me over it. She knew what she was doing, but was never really prying.
“It is actually,” I say, putting down the book. I pat the bed next to me, and she sits.
“I’m a bit worried now. Is it not good Xander? Should you say?” She tries to lighten the mood. “Don’t you get bored of the same thing?”
She laughs, but I can hardly get my words out. I make a strangled noise and say, “No, I’ll never get bored of it. Never.” I rush on, in too deep now. “Himself,” I state.
“Your Dad?” she asks, confusion on her face thinking of the title my dad uses everyday.
“No.” I’m shaking my head at her as I explain, “I ask Marcus for himself, and he does the same to me.”
She looks at me unblinking as she processes it. “As in, you have sex with each other.” She’s trying to clarify my words. Pigeonhole them.
I shrug. “Whatever way he asks for. Sometimes sex, sometimes not. Regardless, I give it to him, no boundaries, nothing.” My heart is racing, my breathing becoming laboured. Panicked that I’ve just jettisoned god knows what into our lives.
“And he does the same to you? He asks you for yourself in whatever format he wants?” I nod, not taking my eyes from her. “And you give yourself over to him, no questions?” I nod again.
I feel sick, unqualifiedly sick, but I also feel fucking free. At last she knows the full extent of our relationship.
She sits, saying nothing, and then she completely surprises me and asks, “So why am I here then?”
I swallow down the lump in my throat, and grip her hands, I can’t let her go. “He won’t do anything unless you agree, he’s already told me that.”
Her laugh is hollow and dread grips my heart as she turns away from me. The register of her voice is so low. It sounds dead, devoid of emotion. “You don’t need my permission. We’re not together all the time. You’re on tour together. You could do it at any point and I would be none the wiser.” She looks at me, her eyes laser focused now. “That’s not the, ‘why am I here?’ I was referring to.” Her voice is quiet, but there’s an edge creeping into it.
Now it’s my turn to be so confused. “I wouldn’t want to hurt you, Evie. I’d never do anything to hurt you.”
When she stands up as if she’s going to leave, I stand to make sure I can grab her. She can’t leave not like this. I haven’t fully explained anything.
“Is this a joke to you both? Am I just a womb for Marcus? Was it an experiment?” Her voice rises with each question and I can hear the panic in it. “Or was it to get back at me? For walking away all those years ago? Something you both cooked up?” She’s aggressively pointing her finger at me now. “I told you why I left, it was genuine. Could you not have called it off then, all this? Or did you need to go further to hurt me more?”
She draws herself up. Trying to hang onto her emotions. “Force me to marry him, force the proximity. Fall back in love with you both and then give me a kicking. Take my children, take my sons?”
Her dam of emotions is starting to break. And so am I. “Did you want me to feel what it was like when people leave you? Well, I fucking know, Xander. I had to leave you both back then. I died every fucking day. Every. Day.” Tears are pooling in her eyes. “I even humiliated myself at that fucking house. Is that what you’ve done, what you wanted? When were you going to stop? WHEN, XANDER?”
She’s shouting at the top of her voice and I’m hanging onto her for grim death. “No, get off me, Xander.” She pushes at me. Wrestles out of my death grip.
Her voice is quiet when she goes on, the terrible one. She’s shutting down, pulling away. “I always knew you loved him, always, and not like a brother. I KNEW.” Tears are starting to trickle down her face. “I tried not to come between you, but you both kept coming for me. I tried so hard to spend time with you both, because I knew you loved him, Xan, and he loved you. He would never be happy without you, and I didn’t want to take him from you. But he survived eighteen years without me.”
Her voice cracks on the last words. She looks at the ceiling, and I feel like I can’t breathe. “Is it not enough for you, Xander, that you have his heart, his love? Why would you both do this? You have my sons, you don’t need me. You could have just left me alone.”
She’s fully crying now and trying to push me away. “I’ve lost my friends, and now you’re coming for my family.”
Sobbing, her legs buckle and she falls to the floor.
I get on my knees and pull her to me, tears running down my face. “No, No, No, Kitten, you’ve got it wrong.” I’m clutching onto her as she tries to bat me off, her sobs cutting me in half, twisting my guts into knots.
“Let me go, Xander. Please let me go. Whilst there’s something left of me.” She’s begging. I have never heard her beg anyone for anything. And it’s crushing my soul. What the fuck have I done?
I pull her to me and, holding her so fucking tight, say into her ear, “No. Never. Never. I love you, Evie. I aminlove with you. He loves you. He is in love with you. We are both in love with you. We will never let you go. Be with us. Let me love you. Let me give you everything I have.”
I don’t think she can hear me. I don’t think she understands. “I always knew you were a hard man underneath the laughs. I saw it in you many times, Xan, and I still loved you. But you’re being cruel, both of you. Please, just let me go.”
I’m shaking my head at her. My face is serious, deadpan. She must listen. Intent on making her hear me, I try again. “We want you, both of us. I’ve wanted you both since I was a teenager. Only, I didn’t know it. I didn’t get it until I was older. I want him, and yes he wants me, but he wants you, but so do I. I’ve told you enough times that I love you. You thought it was as a friend, but it wasn’t.”
