Page 38 of Deep Blue Lies
Oh my God. I cannot believe we're going home tomorrow. I don’t mind – I could use a rest – but I’m sad for Imogen because of how Kostas broke up with her. I mean, you could see it coming, because how’s it going to work, with her going to America for the winter, and him staying here? And with her parents and how strict they are? But even so she was pretty cut up about it. It’s gonna be weird though. I’m actually gonna miss her.
THIRTY-SEVEN
The next entry is January.
I flip back and read it again, trying to see if I’ve missed anything. The last guy I can see that Mum was with when she conceived me – in August – was this guyAiden. And then afterwards, she mentions four guys – but doesn’t give their names. So any one of them could be my father. Which means that, even with the best piece of evidence I could possibly hope for – a handwritten, first-person record of who Mum slept with – I still don’t know.I don’t believe it. I literally don’t believe it.
I stop and cover my face with my hands, blacking out the world. Is this all just a complete waste of time? Am I doomed to fail here? It really is beginning to feel like it. But then I think a bit more, and see I’m being hasty. After all, there’s more to read, and once she realises she’s pregnant, then obviously she’s going to put in her diary who she thinks the father is. I mean, you would, wouldn’t you?
You just would.
So with that in mind, I keep going.
THIRTY-EIGHT
January 1st, 2001
So. Several New Year’s Resolutions. Number One, I’m giving up smoking. I think I can do it when I’m sober. The problem is going out, it’s almost impossible to not want a fag when other people are smoking. Number Two: I’m going to learn Greek. I think it would be way useful, particularly if I’m going to do another summer on Alythos. Three. Diary. I didn’t exactly succeed in writing this every day, but it’s good to have a record of things, and reading this back, there’s loads of nights I might remember better if I’d written about them. So this year I’m really gonna make an effort. On that note, here goes for a catch up of the last week or so:
Christmas was dull-as. I was at home the whole time, and we barely did anything. Just ate, drank, and watched TV. I went out a couple of times with my old school friends, but I feel like I’ve moved on from them. Like, because I’ve been abroad, and they haven’t? Home just feels…small.
Dad’s still way pissed off about me crashing out of uni. Him and Mum want me to go back. But I keep telling them I do actually havea job, in Alythos – it just doesn’t start till April. They don’t seem impressed though.
I wish Imogen lived closer. I tried to get her to come and visit, but the tickets are too expensive. I miss her.
January 9th
I’m temping in an office that processes insurance claims. It’s sooooo boring. I just sit there all day, typing numbers into a computer. Honestly, a monkey could do it. Actually, it couldn’t – it would die of boredom.
Got an email from Imogen today. She says she’s not sure she wants to go back to Alythos anymore. I phoned her straight away – even though it costs a fortune – and it turns out she’s worried about being there if she’s not with Kostas.
So I told her there are loads of other guys, and they’ll probably get back together anyway, because they were so good together. Which is probably a lie. I thought about telling her to promise him a blowjob if they got back together, because that would probably help.
Anyway, I had to beg her, tell her I wasn’t going to go if she didn’t, and that would ruin my life, and in the end she said alright.
January 10th
Night out with the girls. Don’t actually remember getting home. My head hurts now.
I stop reading and count on my fingers. August, September, October, November, December, January.Shit.Mum would have been five months pregnant at this time. Surely she’d havenoticed? And if so, shouldn’t she have slowed down on the drinking? I mean, a little bit? Maybe this explains some of my issues? Like why I find it hard to concentrate sometimes? Why I sometimes feel so down?
For God’s sake.
I read on.
THIRTY-NINE
March 20th
I met up with the girls from school last night, since I’m off to Greece again next week. It’s been nice seeing them, although they’re funny about me going again. It was fun, and we all got pissed, but Sharon cried because I was leaving her again, as if I was still her best friend and everything. I didn’t cry, but I did pretend.
Actually it made me think of Imogen, and like – even though I’ve known Sharon since we were kids – I’d definitely say Imogen is a closer friend now. I’ve really missed her. I guess it’s just because we’ve been through things together. Things that Sharon and me haven’t been through.
I can’t wait to go now. My parents are driving me mad and I’m soooo bored at the monkey job. I’m just counting down the days.
April 1st
Back in Alythos! Yay! Not kidding either. (Check the date, futureme!) It is soooo good to be back. It’s weird though, because a load of people from last year haven’t come back, and there’s all these new people – who are fresh and over-excited about everything, and don’t really know about how it all works. But other than that, it’s just like last year. Jason even gave his first flight home speech.
