Page 57 of Starfish and Coffee
He stopped spending the night at Matt’s and tried to fight the demons alone, but it wasn’t working.
Alex was drowning and no one knew it.
Not Holly, who was caught up in her own nightmare as Will got ready to leave for New York with big dreams and law degree in hand.
Not Matt, who Alex had diligently kept in the dark in fear of him finding out the truth—Alex wasnotworth it.
And not Will, who was still completely unaware that Alex was gay and about to do something insanely stupid like push away the love of his life out of fear of a very uncertain future.
He would never know if it was the nightmares, or the fear of seeing the hatred on Matt’s face, or just the need to protect Matt that finally pushed him over the edge, but Alex did fall—and he took Matt down with him.
All it took was four tequila shots and the balls to break up with Matt to drain the last vestiges of love and youth out of Alex’s life. He’d brought the bottle with him and started drinking the second he got past the door of the beach house while Matt watched him with concern.
Things hadn’t exactly been perfect since the explosion with Matt’s mother, so Matt didn’t stop Alex. He just stood there and patiently waited while Alex downed one shot after another.
“Are you going to tell me what this is about?” Matt asked, belatedly holding up the saltshaker.
Alex took the salt. He was three shots of liquid courage toward a move that felt like something akin to cutting off his own arm with a rusted saw. He dumped a pile of salt onto his open palm that was noticeably shaking as he waited for the tequila to dull the pain.
Alex licked at his hand, the dry grains clinging to his tongue before he washed it away with another shot. Then he put a hand to his burning chest and closed his eyes to wait for the light-headedness. Considering he was sleep deprived and hadn’t eaten well for the past two weeks, it didn’t take long.
“Out with it, Alex,” Matt said, his voice sharp and edgy as if suspecting something. “Let’s lay it out on the table, because you have not been okay since my mother’s meltdown.”
Alex put a palm over his eyes and silently prayed for strength not to break down. It would never work if he did. Matt wouldn’t believe him.
“I just—” he started, wanting to get it out before the emotions ruined everything. “This is too fucking intense for me. I don’t want this anymore, Matty.”
“Bullshit,” Matt growled with that annoying, spoiled way of his. “You’re just freaking out, but it’ll pass. I’m sure everyone goes through this. You don’t want to tell your brother, and my mother is—”
“I don’t want this,” Alex said more firmly this time as he lowered his hand and leveled his gaze at Matt. “I know it’s hard for you to understand, but sometimes you don’t always get what you want.”
“No.” Matt shook his head frantically as he looked away and took a deep breath. “No way. Last week you were willing to move to Atlanta with me. I don’t know what’s going on with you, but—”
“What’s going on with me is that I’m in a relationship I don’t want to be in. I can’t live in Atlanta, just like I can’t be tied down like you want. Maybe I thought I could, but it’d never last,” Alex said, his voice quivering. “It was always just a phase—for both of us. You wanted to know what it was like to be with a man. I wanted to know what it was like to have a boyfriend, but you were supposed to leave when it was over. It was never real.”
Matt pulled himself up to his full height and looked Alex in the eye. “I don’t believe you.”
“Believe it,” Alex said with grim certainty. The tequila had kicked into full gear, and the image of Matt’s dead body that haunted Alex every night was so vivid in his mind he could’ve told him he hated him to get him to go back to Atlanta. He settled on, “I don’t want to hurt you, but you have to know I don’t want you anymore. I want my life back. I want Key West and a different guy every week. This”—Alex gestured wildly back and forth between them—“was never supposed to be my life, and I’m not willing to rip everything to shreds and go down in flames to hold hands with you in public.”
Matt’s entire body was tense; his eyes were narrowed for several long heartbeats. Those amazing aquamarine orbs that Alex had spent so many nights looking into grew glassy with pain and then spilled over, leaving a trail of tears down Matt’s tan cheeks.
A part of Alex was wildly jealous of Matt for having the outlet, because everything in him wanted to drop to the ground and break down.
Matt turned away from him, wiped at his cheeks like Alex was nothing but an afterthought. “Then get out.”
Alex sucked in a sharp breath, because it actually happened. He’d broken up with Matt, and Matt hadn’t done anything to stop him. It was all too easy. A few harsh words, and their golden world tarnished and turned to dust like it had never gleamed to begin with.
“I’m sorry,” Alex whispered as everything in him silently cried out for one of them to undo this before it was really over.
Matt turned back to Alex, this time not hiding his tears as he growled. “Fuck you, Alex.”
“I wish it didn’t have to end like this.” Alex’s voice cracked as the pain fought its way past the tequila haze.
“But it does, apparently,” Matt said with a harsh glare. “And I believe you know where the door is.”
Alex stood there, feeling the sting of tears and then decided to leave before he grabbed Matt and kissed him until he woke up and the nightmare ended. Even as he walked out the door, he couldn’t believe this was the end and worse of all—Alex had been the one to do it.
Matt slammed the door so hard the glass splintered. Alex stared at the veins running through the frosted etchings on the door. It looked suddenly fragile as if one more push would cause the entire thing to shatter and fall to the ground, turning to nothing but a broken pile of jagged memories of what was once beautiful and unique.
