Page 233 of The Holy Grail
“I know, and that’s part of what’s worrying us. Being unmotivated and losing interest in things—especially making dinnerandeating it—is a bad sign. As is baking at all hours of the night, instead of sleeping, and spending hours locked away in your room, away from us.”
“I’ve just been trying to not burden you two with my shit. I mean,Idon’t even want to be burdened by it.”
“It’s not a burden. We want to be able to help you through this.”
“Yes, we do,” Evan said.
“I went through almost two years of shit with Paige,” Jules told Malcom, who looked almost horrified at the thought he might be dealing with this for anywhere near that long. “And part of going through it with her was to make sure she had balance in her life, to keep her grounded. I made sure she took care of herself, went out to eat, saw some movies, listened to music, and had fun, and on the days when all she was capable of doing was lying on her couch wrapped up in a blanket, I was the one to wrap her up in the blanket.
“Now, no one knows up front how long it will take you to work through your shit, not even you. It will take as long as it takes, because it took a while to accumulate, so it will take a while to conquer. Right?
“However, including Evan and me in the entire process will make it easier for you. Having support matters, even if it’s for whatever you might be thinking is ‘small stuff’, and just so you know, there is no ‘small stuff’.”
“Okay.” Malcom glanced around at the kitchen, unable to keep from being amused (and oddly touched) at the lengths they’d had gone to in order to get him out of his room. “So, what should we do for dinner? Spaghetti or waffles? Because I refuse to eat Lucky Charms.”
“Pizza.” Evan picked up his phone and began scrolling through his contacts until he found their favorite local pizzeria. “And after that, I think we need to play a game of strip monopoly. And this time I get to be the fucking shoe.”
Chapter 78
Bullet points
Despite the activities of the previous night, when Malcom woke up the next morning at his usual time, bright and early, he couldn’t go back to sleep, so he decided to take care of some unfinished business at the cemetery.
This time, the weather was mild and sunny, a beautiful Autumn day, and he took that as a good sign.
“Let’s try this one more time, shall we?” he asked the headstone, which had been ‘fixed’. A square plaque made of matching black marble had been placed on the front, completely covering the crater, as well as the remaining ‘Father and Husband’ words. After putting their heads together and researching potential quotes, Malcom and Martin had negated biblical verses in favor of part of a poem from William Wordsworth:
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass,
of glory in the flower,
We will grieve not, rather find,
Strength in what remains behind.
Even though it was doubtful Monroe had ever heard of Wordsworth, or if Monroe had ever read any poetry in his life, it was an aesthetic fix and Malcom could live with it.
Martin had also kept his word and made Malcom pay for it.
“Dear Motherfucker,” he began reading. “In an effort to keep this ‘Fuck You’ letter short and sweet, I’ve made it into a list of bullet points which I will now share with you. Some of them have added clarification, just to really drive the point home.
“One: I was never going to choose you over Evan. I really wanted you to know this before you died, but according to the Rolling Stones, ‘You can’t always get what you want’, but sometimes, ‘You get what you need’. So … I’m telling myself maybe this was how it was supposed to happen, because telling you to go fuck yourself in person might not have gone well for me.
“Two: Pink shirts are not just for gay men and women.
“Three: I’ve been wondering how different everything would be if you’d been more tolerant, and let me naturally grow into the person I was meant to become. However, that leads to wondering if the difference would have been such that I didn’t end up being with Jules and Evan, so it’s become a bit of a conundrum—which is a Word-of-the-Day, courtesy of Evan I thought I’d throw in. So, in a twisted way, you did me a favor by being an asshole, because my reward has been pretty great in the end, and even though I wouldn’t give either one of them up for anything, that doesn’t mean you’ll be forgiven. Not by me, anyway.
“Four: Owning one hundred black suits is stupid—well, itwasstupid. And they’ve all been donated to a Goodwill store, by the way, because I just love the thought of someone buying one of your two thousand dollar suits for twenty bucks.”
Malcom paused to look around and make sure there wasn’t anyone around, since he really didn’t want an audience. When the coast appeared to be clear, he began speaking again.
“Five: What did you do with the watch I gave you for Father’s Day when I was thirteen? You know, I mowed lawns for two months to pay for it. I was really proud of myself, and believed you when you said you loved it, but I’m thinking that was a lie, so fuck you for that. Okay, this was more of a question than a bullet point, but I really would like to know what happened to that watch. Unfortunately, you’re not going to be able to tell me, so I guess I’ll never know what happened to it … although, not knowing might be better than knowing you threw it in the trash one day.
“Six: Track is a real sport.
“Seven: Why did it matter so much to you that I be straight? I know you’re from a different generation, blah fucking blah, but you were supposedly an educated, enlightened man, who defended all kinds of people in court, some of whom were accused ofembezzlement, rape, and murder. Yet, you were willing to cut me out of your life for being attracted to men, without even taking a minute to try and understand it, or learn to accept it. I know you think you were a good father, but you weren’t. You know whoisa good father? Richard Shaw. I actually wish you would have lived long enough to meet him, because I have a feeling he would’ve handed you your ass, and that would have been something to see.
