Page 214 of The Holy Grail
“My heart races, I start to sweat like crazy, and I get really anxious, to the point where I can hardly get the words out.”
“Really?” Malcom was very surprised to hear that. “You seem like you were born to talk to people.”
“Talking to people when I’m tending bar is way different than standing in front of thirty people who are staring at you,” Evan said with a shake of his head.
“That’s a really good example,” Lauren told Evan. “Now imagine if Malcom were to tell you he needed you to do that on a regular basis to make him happy?”
Evan blinked at her, but otherwise didn’t respond.
Malcom, on the other hand, burst out, “What are you doing?”
“That would put you in a bad position, wouldn’t it?” Lauren continued, keeping her focus on Evan. “You’d most likely be torn between wanting to do it because it would make him happy, and not wanting to do it because of how anxious it would make you. Do you see the emotional dilemma? The lose-lose situation you’d be in?”
Evan glanced at Malcom, who was now outright frowning, before turning to Lauren. “Yes, I do.”
“Do you know where this is leading, Evan?”
“I think so.”
“Well, I don’t,” Malcom said, giving Lauren an unhappy look.
Evan reached over and took Malcom’s hand. “It’s about my wanting you to be openly affectionate with me when we’re in public.”
“It is?” It was Malcom’s turn to blink at Lauren.
“Yes, it is,” she confirmed.
“Lauren—”
“No, let her continue,” Evan said.
Keeping her eyes on Evan, Lauren said, “For Malcom, navigating a bisexual relationship is brand new, and when it was brand new for you, you were in your teens, correct?”
“Yes.”
“So, try and think of Malcom as being a teenager right now, because in many ways he is. Anything you were feeling back then, he’s feeling now, so he needs your understanding and guidance, not emotional ultimatums, wouldn’t you agree?”
“Yes.”
Lauren leaned forward. “It’s great you’ve reached a point in your life where you’re comfortable with your sexuality in all situations, but Malcom hasn’t reached that point, yet. Not by a long shot. As such, it’s not fair for you to essentially try and impose expectations on him, like Monroe did. Now, I know his expectations were obviously on a much different level than yours, but you’re still causing undue stress when you want public displays of affection.
“This isn’t about what you want, it’s about what Malcomneeds, and your job is to support him during his journey, not dictate the journey, or even the results. Your job is to walk beside him every step of the way and applaud his growth, but more importantly, to accept when there isn’t any. He sets the pace, not you, because he’s doing this for himself, not you.”
Feeling like Evan had been ambushed, and not appreciating the pain on his face, Malcom said to Lauren, “That’s enough.”
Evan mustered a quick smile. “It’s okay. She’s not wrong,” he said softly, all of her words having hit like arrows. Then addressing Lauren again, he explained, “I’m not trying to be controlling or a dick. I just want him to be free of his shackles.”
“That’s a noble thing to want—and it’s something I want for him, too—but when he can’t perform to your standards, he feels shame for letting you down, and shame can’t be used to change ourselves, or others.” She smiled at Malcom and pointed behind her to the framed quote about shame on the wall, which she’d showed him during their first session. “See? That came in handy.”
“I, uh, guess it did,” he replied, not sure if he was supposed to respond, or if it had been rhetorical.
Evan leaned back, scrubbing at his face, clearly upset.
“I didn’t have you join this session to make you feel bad,” Lauren told Evan. “However, it’s important to be aware of your impact on Malcom. He needs you to be a source of support, understanding, and empathy, not something stressful he has to deal with. He has enough to deal with as it is.”
Lauren’s tone became less business-like and more friendly. “Now, here’s the part where I tell you I think you’re great for Malcom. You’re emotionally strong, caring, and a good role model. You’ve learned to navigate dual sexuality very well, being comfortable with both. I know you dealt with a less than ideal situation with your own father very well, and hopefully Malcom will benefit from all of your experience. That being said, if afterall your support and guidance, he’s still not able to give you the responses you’d like, you’ll have to accept—and respect—his limits.”
Evan nodded. “I know, and I understand.” Then, after taking a deep breath, he met Malcom’s gaze. “I’m sorry.”
