Page 94 of Modern Romance September 2025 5-8
“Of course not. And that was my father. A dictator in the confines of his own village. But of course, the operation was actually much larger than that. It was global.”
“But then… Someone displeased him and…”
“He was going to hurt a child. And I have never cared for right or wrong, except there is fairness, and to my mind there was nothing fair about that. I was never an innocent child. So I cannot even say that I looked at the boy as an innocent bystander. I had no childhood.”
I knew that. Because I had seen it in his eyes in those pictures.
“But you stopped him.”
“Yes. For good, though it was not my intent, it is how it happened. I hit him until he didn’t get back up. But it was finished. And then that made me the leader.”
“Were you different than your father?”
“Yes. I’m not a man given to violence, though you may not believe that. I get no pleasure from it. I do not find it to be overly motivating to the people around me. It is not something that I foster.”
“When did you realize it was wrong that he killed your mother.”
“Today.”
“That can’t be right,” I say.
“It is. Because I didn’t think about it. It happened. It was one of the many terrible things that happened that I witnessed in my childhood. And I didn’t revisit it. I don’t revisit those things. This is forcing me to do it. But of course it was wrong. Of course it was… I hate him. I’m glad that he’s dead. But it isn’t enough. Because I’m him. I’ve carried on his legacy, because I didn’t pause and take the time to change everything about myself. There are things I do differently, I don’t exult in holding my authority over people’s heads, but didn’t I manipulate you? I will do it when it does serve me. I just get my kicks differently than my father did. But it doesn’t make me any different.”
I have to sit there and think about that. I have to think about whether or not it’s true. Because I don’t know. I’ve never had to think about things like this. My life is so easy in comparison to his. I know that I should be looking at him and seeing someone frightening. Someone who might even be considered a monster. I know that I should. But I can’t. Because he is still mine. And he just wanted to cook food with the two of us. I want to believe that. That he wanted the fantasy as much as I did. That he wanted us to be sacred, the same way that I did. The same way that I do.
Except we can’t afford to stay in a bubble. We have to find a way to make it real. We have to. Or we won’t survive.
“I don’t think you are a bad man for doing what you did to your father. And I don’t hold the past against you. I don’t. I won’t. But the future… You can’t keep living this way. I don’t mind going back to Idaho and living in a small house. I’ll do that. I don’t need you to have money. I can forgive you for everything that you’ve ever done. None of it’s important. You were raised by a psychopath. He twisted your view of things. He twisted your whole life. You deserve to live differently if that’s what you want. And if you want that, then I’ll help you.” I take a breath. “I’ll be brave enough to ask for what I want, even if it’s hard. I’ll ask how you feel, even if it might hurt.”
A sob rises inside me, and I try to push it down, but I can’t. It wrenches its way through me, and comes out on a painful gasp. “If you want to learn how to do this, how to be a different man, then I want to be there for you.” A tear falls down my cheek. “It’s not even as simple as you being a different man. If I wanted a different man, I would go find him. I’m sorry that I said it that way. I don’t want you to be different. I want you to…be the man that you are, but have a chance to be one that walks in the light instead of the darkness. You want that. Whether you realized it or not, you must have always wanted it, because when you saw the sun, you wanted to stay in it. Didn’t you?”
I can see a well of emotion in his eyes. I also understand that he doesn’t know how to express it. I keep holding onto him. I keep that connection.
“I think I was trying,” he says. He’s quiet for a moment, and I don’t want to say anything, because I don’t want to break the spell. I don’t want to stop him from remembering whatever is about to come forward. “I was. That’s why… That’s why they came for me.”
“Who?”
“The men who tried to kill me. I know who they are. I know who they are, so we don’t need to hide anymore. We can leave here.”
I don’t know what to say to that. I’m stunned. “Go backward. What do you mean?”
“I was dismantling the organization. For the last six months. That’s why I was distant. It’s why I was gone all the time. I was preparing to take it down from the inside out. And I had done. I’d been liaising with Interpol, and the CIA. Making sure that every branch of the organization was undone.”
“You were in charge of it.”
He shakes his head. “Only this branch. Organized crime is vast. And I have no interest in continuing on. I… I was afraid for you. I knew that the longer I stayed in, the more impossible it would be for me to ever have a life with you. I would always have to keep you locked away, as I had been doing. I received a threat. Against you.”
“And that’s why you wouldn’t let me leave the house.”
“Yes. I was afraid for your safety. But I also knew that I had to end it, and I had to do it decisively.”
“You’re really… Ending it all. For me?”
“Yes.”
“Were you going to go to prison?”
He shakes his head. “No. And it’s probably unfair that I won’t.”
