Page 47 of Worth Every Moment
Dropping her head into her hands, she brings her palms together until only her nose and mouth are covered. “Ugh, Seb,” she moans, lowering her hands to her thighs. “I think I went temporarily insane, letting you loose down there. That’s never happening again.”
Never? The word slides between my ribs like a well-honed blade, but I can’t afford to indulge the pain it causes with her by my side. I don’t want to scare her away again.
She looks so awkward that my own discomfort recedes to the back of my mind. I’d love to take her in my arms and tell her none of it matters. There’s no reason to be embarrassed or regretful or whatever it is she’s feeling. I’d never judge her.
“I think I went temporarily insane being allowed down there,” I admit. “Like a starving man at an all you can eat buffet. You can’t let him taste the food and then take it all away. That’s enough to send a hungry man crazy.” I keep my tone as light as possible. It’s for the best if she thinks I’m emotionally detached enough to joke about what happened, especially after she said what happened between us can never be repeated.
“Good thing you’re the most well-fed man I know then.” She keeps rubbing at her palm, and although it sounds like she’s teasing, there’s a bitterness there too. At least I think there is.Could she be…jealous? Not that I’d wish jealousy on anyone, but—fuck it—I’d love it if she were. More likely, she’s judging me again and her words from that night ring loud in my head.
Go and find someone else to stick your tongue in. Isn’t that what you’re good at?
I want to tell her I haven’t stuck my tongue in anyone since that night because now that I’ve tasted her, I never,ever, want to taste another woman in my life.
From this moment on, it’s Erica or no one.
But I keep quiet, and lift one of her hands from where it’s resting on her thigh. I half expect her to snatch it away, but she doesn’t, so I just sit there holding it. “If you want me to remember, I will. If you want me to forget, I will.” I reconsider this. “Actually, I’ll never forget. But I’ll push it right out of mind, if that’s what you want. If that’s what it takes to have you in my life.”
She squeezes my hand, turning bloodshot eyes on me. “I’d like to have you in my life too. Please.” My hand feels hot in hers, our pulses clashing as she takes a few sobering breaths. “Really, Seb. I’m so sorry. I was horrible to you. I didn’t mean it.”
Her apology slides into my bloodstream like a sedative, slowing my heartbeat and making me feel woozy, but rather than sink into the comfort of it, I force myself to stay present.
“Don’t bullshit me,” I say with a gentle firmness. “You meant it.”
“Not all of it. Mostly it was me freaking out. Because… you know. It’s you. And me.” I’m not entirely sure exactly what she means by that, but before I can request clarification, regret fills her dark eyes. “Please don’t hold onto it. What I think about your sex life is irrelevant. It’s none of my business.” I wince; her anger might be preferable to her indifference. “And you’re not a joke. Not to me, at least.”
Thank fuck for that last part. I want to lift her hand and kiss it, but I daren’t. Not yet. Erica’s might be the only opinion that really matters to me, but what she’s offered isn’t enough to know that I’m fully redeemed in her eyes. “That sounds like you think I’m a joke to everyone else.”
“I can’t speak for anyone else, but to me… you’re important. Really important.” The repetition squeezes my heart, and I’m so fucking thankful to hear her say it that I feel like a total loser. “I’m so sorry. Can we be friends?”
Friends. That word doesn’t remotely encompass what I want to be to Erica. What I want to have with her. A dull ache spreads behind my sternum, and without thinking, I rub the heel of my free hand against it.
“Yeah. Always. You’re important to me too.” I raise a brow at her, maintaining levity in my tone despite the pain in my heart, as I say, “I was still your friend when I was eating you out. I’m definitely capable of both of those things. Just in case… you know… there’s any wiggle room on that.”
A smile cracks her face even as her eyes roll. “There is absolutely no wiggle room. That was a complete one off. Never to be repeated.”
I thump a fist against my heart. “Hit me where it fucking hurts, Lefroy.” The pain in my voice is so exaggerated that it could only be construed as false.Little does she know, it really does fucking hurt, and I wish to God I could tell her the truth.
She puffs out an exasperated sigh, but I can tell she’s amused. “How can you be so sweet and such an arse all at once?”
“I’m uniquely talented. Now, tell me.” I nod out the window, where the streets of London are flashing by. “Where am I taking you?”
“Weren’t you on your way somewhere?”
“You’re more important than anything I was going to do today. Where do you want to go?”
She’s silent for a long while. “Anywhere, as long as it’s with you.”
16
ERICA
We pace in silence down the path across Hampstead Heath. Seb chose the location in an attempt to cheer me up, calling his brother, Nico, to tell him he wasn’t coming into the office. I feel a bit guilty that he’s missing work for me. But it’s a beautiful day, and I can’t think of a better way to spend it than with Seb. I’m so relieved that we’ve worked out our differences, and our friendship is once more on track, that I feel a bit heady. Maybe it’s the heat. And it ishot. Thankfully, I’m appropriately attired in a short cotton dress and pumps, complete with baseball cap that doesn’t match, and my oversized sunglasses, but Seb is in a full suit. Somehow, despite the sun beating down, he hasn’t broken a sweat. The path is dusty, and it’s ruining his highly polished shoes, but he doesn’t seem to care.
He undoes his tie as we walk, rolling it up and putting it in his pocket, and then he removes his jacket, hooks it over one arm, and undoes the buttons at his neck and cuffs. He rolls up his shirt sleeves and throws the jacket, collar hooked on his index finger, over one shoulder.
He looks unbelievably good, and whenever anyone walks past us, they stare. Athim. I’m not even sure he notices. He’s got a natural swagger, a confident walk like he owns the place. It’s a sort of grace, a power, that most people don’t have. It’s in his bones. There’s probably nowhere in the whole world that Seb Hawkston wouldn’t be totally at ease, flashing that gorgeous smile, inhabiting every inch of his body like he’s happy to be there.
I can’t imagine what that’s like.
