Page 33 of Secrets That Bind Us
I crash the party, and the tension is high. I demand her to break up with him in front of everyone– so sick and tired of sneaking around, of having to pretend like we’re strangers when we’re anything but. And when she tells me they aren’t together, that he prefers men, I stupidly tell him to prove it.
Jockstrap smirks, grabs me by the collar of my shirt, and fucking kisses me with a loud smack and partial tongue.
The room goes silent.
Stunned.
“Well, I wasn’t gonna suck his dick.” He smirks. As flabbergasted as I am, and angry at Verity, I decide I like Jake. So when the room laughs, I shake his hand. Well fucking played. I turn to look at Verity, but she’s gone, the screen door closing softly behind her.
She’s not dressed up today. She’s in a hoodie, beanie, jeans and little black fur boots. She looks so soft and cozy and warm and all the great things that are her. I follow her out, careful not to let the door slam, ‘cause I know Mrs. Campbell will have my ass.
“Be my girlfriend.” I demand. It’s all I can even think to say, because even in my anger, I forgive her. I will always forgive her.And I’m not sure if that’s love or obsession or a mixture of both. All I know is that I’m going fucking insane and I know I won’t feel right until she’s mine again. Until I can hold her hand and watch the stars zoom by. I won’t feel normal until shewhispers, ‘I love you,’ in that Verity way, while she’s in my arms and every day that passes by that she doesn’t makes me feel like I’m slowly rotting on the inside, silently eating me alive.
She’s the only thing that takes away that feeling. She’s the dancing fireflies in my dark meadow. The dashing stars and planets in my night sky. My moon.
Verity sighs heavily, looking at the ground. “It’s not that simple, Dean.”
“But it is.” I argue.
Amber eyes peer up at me and I step closer to her. She crosses her arms like a barrier over her heart – to keep me away. Guarding herself from me. “Are you going to stop racing on Devil's Night?”
I don’t respond.
She nods.
“Verity, stop. This is ridiculous. You and I belong together. It’s always been you for me.”
And she rolls her eyes, heaving out a puff of fog. “God, Dean,of courseit’s me. You thought Jake and I were together, and it made you want me more– to prove to me that you’re the one for me. Now that you’re done being a human enema, fucking everyone and their mother,”- I wince. Fuck, she knows about Mrs. Myers. “Of courseyou want to claim that it’s been us all along. The stupid thing? I’m not even asking you tostopracing, I'm asking you to racelegally. Despite what you said to me that night, I stood on the sidelines like agood little angel, and I watched you. You’regood. You could make it professionally if you don’t make it to the NFL. But then what? You’re going to be surrounded by gorgeous women all the time– more than you are now– and I’m stilljustme, Dean. I still like to just… sit in my room and listen to music, or lay in bed watching old movies, or sit at boring coffee shops and read books.”
I shake my head. “If only you could see what was in my heart.”
“You.” She whispers so softly I hardly hear it. “Youare in your heart. I know this because it’s been over a year, and you still haven’t apologized. You had me in your clutches the past three months, and that’s all you cared about. What if Jake and I were to have actually been together?”
“You can’t put that shit on just me, you lied to me.”
“You’re right. I did.” She says pensively with a few nods and drops her hands to her hips.
“I begged you to leave him. Every time.”
“And then what?”
“Why are you being like this?”
“And then what, Dean? I’m going to New York. You’re going to race or go to some other college to play football.And then what?”
“We’ll make it work. I’ll find a college in New York. I’ll…” I stop talking when she scoffs and shakes her head at me dismissively.
“Long distance doesn’t always work. Sure, you’ll call…at first.‘Til one of your buddies finally drag you out. Then you’ll call less, claim to be busy. Then one night, you’ll get drunk at a college party after being peer pressured. Sleep with some girl you don’t even know. And then you’ll have to tell me and break my heart all over again.”
I shake my head rapidly. “You don’t know that.”
“Don’t I? I mean just look at what happened over the summer, Dean. I mended my broken heart by keeping to myself. You got over me by nailing anyone whose name ended in every available vowel.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. I didn’t get over you. There is no getting over you for me, Verity. They didn’t mean anything!”
She rolls her eyes and crosses her arms over her chest. “I’m tired, Dean.” Her honey eyes finally find mine and I seeit.The pain I caused her.
“You want me to apologize?Fine. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry I hurt you, I shouldn’t have said what I said about you or your mom. I love your mom, Ver.” And I want to continue, but my heart is cracking because I can see it in her eyes. She’s done with me. But I have to try. She can’t be done with me. “Her. You. The best thing that’s ever happened to me was sitting around your dining room table, feeling like I had a real family. Your friends treating me kindly, being…real. I’ll… I’ll stop racing. I’ll… I’ll do it legally. I’ll find a college near you. I’ll-“ and there, on Zoey’s front porch, I fall to my knees before Verity, wrap my arms around her waist, put my head on her tummy and clutch her to me to hide my tears. But my voice cracks anyway. “I can read books.”
