Page 125 of Rules Of Engagement: St. Louis
She laughed. “I’m Belinda, Jasmine’s mother. And you’re right to take your time. Marriage isn’t something to rush into.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Well, I hope you’re having a good time. Come on Jasmine.”
They trailed off and I let out a deep sigh.
As the evening progressed, the assumptions multiplied. Another one of Christian’s distant family members congratulated us on our engagement that didn’t exist. A college friend asked when we were planning the wedding we weren’t having. Each misunderstanding was a small blade, cutting deeper into my composure.
The worst came during dinner, when Adrian’s father stood to give a toast.
“To my daughter, Adrian, and her new husband, David,” he said, raising his champagne glass. “Marriage isn’t always easy, but when you find someone you can depend on, someone who chooses you every single day, it makes all the previous heartbreak worthwhile.”
Someone you can depend on.
The words echoed in my head as applause filled the room.
“Naomi?” Christian’s voice seemed to come from far away. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.”
But I wasn’t fine. Panic sat in my gut. The room was spinning slightly, and I was having a hard time breathing.
The band started playing a slow song, and couples moved onto the dance floor. Christian stood, extending his hand to me with a warm smile.
“Dance with me?”
I took his hand because refusing would cause a scene, but as soon as his arms came around me on the dance floor, the walls started closing in. He smelled like his cologne and the champagne he’d been nursing, and his body was solid and warm against mine. Being with him was comforting and had seemed safe.
And yet, I needed to escape.
“I need to excuse myself,” I whispered up at Christian.
“Now?”
“Just for a minute. I’ll be right back.”
I pulled away before he could ask questions, maneuvering through the dancing couples toward the powder room.
The powder room was mercifully empty. I gripped the edge of the sink and stared at my reflection. My makeup was flawless, and I looked impeccable. But I was crashing. My gut was in knots, and my throat was tight like there was something lodged inside.
I dropped my head and closed my eyes.
“This is too much, my God.”
I inhaled and exhaled deep breaths.
“Get it together. You’re not that woman anymore.”
I looked back at my reflection and sadness filled me. The truth was, I wasn’t that woman anymore, but I wasn’t ready to be the woman Christian deserved either. Maybe I was stuck somewhere in between, too damaged to trust completely, yet too hopeful to give up entirely.
Journey had been right when she’d said I had to choose whether to risk being hurt again. What she hadn’t said was what to do if you realized you weren’t brave enough to take that risk.
I loved Christian. I loved him more than I’d ever loved anyone, including Gerald. But love wasn’t enough if you couldn’t trust it, couldn’t believe in its permanence, couldn’t stop waiting for it to disappoint you.
By the time I emerged from the stall, I’d drove myself crazy with these thoughts. I stared at myself in the mirror again, seeing the truth I’d been avoiding for months. I wasn’t ready for this. Despite all my growth, Christian’s patience, and all the beautiful moments we’d shared, I wasn’t mentally well enough to be the woman he needed.
I doubled over the sink as tears finally came.
