Page 133 of Rules Of Engagement: St. Louis
My mother’s expression softened, and she dried her hands on the dish towel.
“Fear, when there is no real danger, is a debilitating mental dance that does more harm than good. It’s not fear that kills you, it’s your decision to not put one foot in front of the other that keeps you paralyzed and ultimately becomes your end.”
I stopped staring into space and looked at her directly.
“You think I’m being paralyzed by fear?”
“I think you’re protecting yourself from something that you might not need protection from.” She folded the dish towel, her eyes meeting mine. “Sometimes the thing we’re most afraid of losing is the thing we need to fight hardest to keep.”
I considered myself a wise woman, but my mom was the most intelligent between the two of us. All this time, I’d been so focused on the ways Christian could hurt me that I’d forgotten to consider the ways I was hurting him.
My mother was right. If things didn’t work out between Christian and me, I would survive. I’d survived worse. But if I did nothing at all, if I let fear keep me frozen in place, I’d spend the rest of my life wondering what could have been.
What didn’t kill you made you stronger. And I was stronger than I’d given myself credit for.
“Thank you, Mama.”
I pulled her into a hug, breathing her in. She held me tight, the way she had when I was a child and the world felt too big and scary to navigate alone.
“You’re welcome, sweetheart. Now help me take this tray out to your father before he comes looking for us.”
I grabbed the tray of iced tea and cookies, following her through the sliding door onto the deck, where my fatherwas demonstrating the features of his new wheelchair to an imaginary audience.
“And the battery life is unparalleled,” he was saying to no one in particular. “Eight hours of continuous use, plus it charges overnight.”
“Dad, are you selling wheelchairs now?”
“I should be! This thing is amazing.” He spun in a circle, grinning like a teenager with a new car. “Do you want to take it for a test drive?”
“I think I’ll stick with walking.”
My mom laughed, and we sat down and enjoyed each other’s company, but underneath the contentment, my mind was working. Planning. Preparing for what came next.
I knew what I had to do.
Chapter
Thirty-Two
CHRISTIAN
Partnerof the Year for the biggest settlement in the firm’s history.
The crystal award sat heavy in my hands, but it might as well have been made of paper for all it meant to me.
This was the recognition I’d worked toward for my entire career, and all I could think about was the empty space beside me where Naomi should have been sitting.
“Thank you,” I said into the microphone, looking out at the packed ballroom. Television cameras focused on me. Two hundred of my colleagues and their guests applauded, and champagne glasses were raised in celebration of my success.
And yet, the melancholy that sat in my soul weakened me with each moment that passed.
“This honor belongs to my entire team, not just me. The clients come with impeccable notoriety, and the cases are a group effort that requires countless hours and unwavering commitment from everyone involved.”
“You have to be willing to fight for what you believe in, even when there’s a possibility you might lose. Because that’s whatyou do when you believe in something, you fight for it, even if the odds are stacked against you.”
Movement near the back of the ballroom drew my attention. Someone was pushing through the crowd, moving with purpose toward the stage. I continued talking, but part of my attention was focused on the disturbance.
Then I saw her.
