Page 122 of One More Heartbeat
I rest my head on his shoulder and close my eyes. “Thank you. This is my idea of heaven—minus the pain and sore throat and congestion.”
“You’re welcome.” His arms go around me, and he tenderly rubs his thumb along my arm. “You wanna tell me why you’ve been avoiding me for the past week?”
Dammit.I walked right into that trap. He knows I won’t be able to escape him, escape the question—not while we are like this, in the bathtub. Not while my body isn’t in the mood to comply with my wishes.
What am I supposed to tell him?
I’ve known Garrett most of my life, and we’ve been close friends for the better part of it. It’s not in my nature to keep things from him—other than how I’m in love with him.
But admitting what I overheard the other day, when Athena was ranting about me to herself…it’s too much.
Garrett kisses my wet shoulder. “You can tell me anything, you know that, right?”
I open my eyes and nod.
He kisses my neck, sending a shower of sparks through me in spite of my cold. “So tell me.”
I ease out a slow breath. It does nothing to relax me. “It’s just something I overheard Athena saying last Monday in P&T’s staff room, after Peony freaked out.”
“What did she say?” There’s an edge to Garrett’s voice I can’t unravel through the brain fog.
I roll my bottom lip between my teeth, figuring out the best way to address his question.
“What did she say?” he presses when I don’t respond, still in thought.
The words cling to the back of my throat, pleading for me to lie. To come up with something less hurtful. Maybe I could even convince myself the lie is true. That she never said what I overheard. “She was complaining how…it really doesn’t matter what she was saying. She loves your daughter, and that’s what’s important.”
“I don’t doubt she loves Peony.” He continues caressing my arm, his touch lulling my brain into doing whatever he asks of me. “But what I want to know is what she said that had you avoiding me.”
I swallow, and it feels like I’ve tossed gasoline onto the flames in my throat, their heat lashing the tender lining. “She couldn’t believe how anyone could confuse me as Peony’s mother. After Joffrey thought I was her mom. She said I’m nothing like Kenda.” Something I already know and don’t need the reminder of.
I’d realized it in college, when Garrett fell in love with her and didn’t see me as someone he could love that way.
“She also said I’m not the one who plays with Peony, nor am I there for her when she has a nightmare. And she’s right. I’m not. Athena is more capable of being Peony’s mother than I am.” The reality of those words still cuts deep. “Not that I’m trying to be her mother,” I rush out. “No one could ever take Kenda’s place.”
What Garrett and I currently have between us—the kissing and sex—isn’t about us being a couple. It isn’t about us falling in love and making a family.
“It’s just…her words reminded me how much the spondyloarthritis impacts my ability to be a mother.”
“In what way?”
“I always have to worry about triggers that might cause the symptoms to worsen. And while things have improved due to the lifestyle changes I’ve made to keep the flare-ups under control…” I draw in a breath, too quiet for Garrett to hear. What I’m about to say will forever put me in the friend zone. To have him see me as nothing more than Peony’s doting “aunt.” “Things have improved, but I’m not a hundred percent. You’ve seen me with yoga. It’s a struggle for me—the getting up and down.”
“And you think those things will keep you from being a mother?” Confusion twists its way through his tone, ties it up with a pretty bow.
“They make it more challenging. I can’t play with Peony as easily as Athena can.”
“But you can do so much more than that.”
I smirk—not that he can see my mouth with my back pressed against his front. “You mean make adorable unicorn cupcakes?”
He chuckles, the low rumble vibrating through me where our bodies touch. “Being able to make those certainly doesn’t hurt.” He kisses my shoulder once more, and a different kind of fire than the one in my throat sparks to life low in my belly. “I take it you want kids?”
It’s an honest question. We’ve never really talked about whether I want to have kids one day or not. Just like we’ve never discussed whether they were in his future either.
“I do. One day.” Not that I’ve found someone I want to have them with, if you exclude the man I’m currently reclining on.
But even if I do find a man one day who wants to have kids, things might not be so simple. For some women, pregnancy can trigger spondyloathritis symptoms to worsen. They spend most of their pregnancy in more pain than normal. There’s no way to predict how things will play out.
