Page 82 of I Need You Tonight
Chapter 30
Mason
“Well, that’s a first for me,” Nicole said, grinning. “If I never find Mr. Right, maybe there’s a Miss Right out there for me.”
Her words were a kick-in-the-ass reminder that I wasn’t what she was looking for in a man. And while I’d known this from the start, it wasn’t a reminder I needed right now. I already knew I didn’t deserve her. I’d fucked up when it came to my own family. I didn’t need to do the same to her.
And it was going to happen. I was that kind of man. Normally it wasn’t an issue because I had become skilled at keeping people out of my heart. But then I’d spent those first few days with Nicole in Desert Springs and been reminded of what I’d lost because of my mistakes and because of my lifestyle. I wanted it all—the band, a family, Nicole—but I had no idea how to make it work.
Hell, I still didn’t know how Jared did it.
Besides, I was too ashamed of my past to tell her the truth. Or maybe I was just too much of a coward. I knew I wouldn’t be able to bear the look on her face when she found out I’d been no better than her father.
But if I didn’t say anything, would it really matter? Nicole was returning home in a few weeks to reopen her store. I couldn’t expect her to give it up for me, and I couldn’t see myself leaving L.A. That was my home and it was where the band was located. Which meant it was impossible for me to have it all. The question was, what did I really yearn for?
Nicole and I went back to the table, and I finished off my drink. I ordered another. And then another. Before I knew it, the pain that had been clawing at me ever since I found out my father had died had been numbed a bit. And the newfound numbness made it a little easier to breathe.
I returned to the dance floor with Nicole. After which I had another drink. I could feel the guys and Nicole studying me every so often, but since I was still standing and wasn’t making an ass of myself (or at least I assumed I wasn’t), they didn’t say anything.
So I kept drinking.
The smell of smoke and cheap perfume crept into my head, bringing with it memories of hours spent in casinos. I tossed back another beer, hoping to numb those memories too.
Eventually Nicole yawned for the third time in less than four minutes, and the guys called it a night. I walked out of the club, stumbling into people every couple of steps. Hey, I couldn’t help it if they got in my way.
We hailed a cab and returned to the hotel. The closer we got to it, the more the craving that I had been holding at bay nudged at me. As we walked through the casino to get to the elevators, the sounds and smells brought back memories of what it felt like to win. It was like in the movieTitanic,when Kate Winslet was standing at the front of the ship, arms high, feeling the wind rush through her hair. She felt like she was soaring over the ocean. She felt like she was on top of the world.
That was what it felt like when I won—when I was invincible.
Right now, after my father’s death, I wasn’t feeling so invincible. The only time I’d felt that way was when I’d been winning at blackjack this morning, before Nicole discovered me in the casino.
Back in my hotel room, the itch to return downstairs burned strong. I kissed Nicole. The itch remained. I fucked her, doing what I could to drive away the craving.
But the call of the casino was too strong. Just one hand…then I would be okay.
Once Nicole’s breathing had evened out and I was positive she was asleep, I carefully slipped from under the covers and pulled on my clothes.
Then I quietly snuck out of the room and went downstairs.
