Page 84 of Heat It Up (Off the Ice)
He remains silent and I add, “I want to help you. I know what it’s like to feel as if the world is against you, and it’s easier shutting down than dealing with it.”
He eyes me for a moment, the need burning in his gaze to tell someone what’s going on, mixed with confusion as to whether or not to deny it. He eventually nods. “It’s my dad. My mom recently died. She had cancer. And he’s changed.”
“In what way?”
“He does not talk to me now. He lost his job…He does not eat much…And every time he looks at me, he hates me and wishes I were dead and not her.”
My stomach turns to lead and struggles against the force of gravity. “I’m sure he doesn’t feel that way. Grief can change us. It can make us lose perspective and it can consume us.” But even as I say it, I wonder how anyone can make their own child feel that way, even if they are so overwhelmed with grief. “But if you show him you’re there for him, and let him know you need him as much as he needs you, it’ll be the first step in helping him. In helping both of you.”
My words come from the heart. My family did this for me when I first struggled to cope with Gabby’s death and with the loss of my dreams. If they hadn’t shown me they were there for me, would I have gotten over my grief? My family saved me.
“I don’t know…” Kai says. His shoulders are hunched, carrying the weight of several large planets. No kid should ever feel that way.
I proceed to tell him the abbreviated version of what happened to me and how my parents helped me. I skip the parts about the sex and how I was still drinking more than I should until recently.
Once I’m finished, Kai smiles. The movement is small, not noticeable by most. It’s more about hope than happiness. And for the first time in a while, hope stirs deep in me, as if woken from a long hibernation. Hope about my ability to be strong despite everything I’ve lost.
Hope about my future.
Hope about Sofia.
Kai skates back to the locker room. I don’t feel like heading there yet. Nik can keep the boys out of trouble while they get ready to go home.
Other than me, the rink is empty. And just like I used to do when I was trying to figure things out, I start skating laps around the ice. My leg aches, but I don’t care. I just keep going, shifting back and forth between skating forward and backward.
Eventually I stop, the fatigue in my leg burning too much. I skate off the ice and enter the empty locker room. I remove my skates and strip off my sweaty athletic clothing, then grab my towel and head for the showers.
Closing my eyes, I duck my head under the stream of water and rinse the sweat from my hair. Once I’m finished, I shut the water off and turn around.
At the sight of the last person I expect to see in the men’s locker room, I startle. “What are you doing here?” I ask Lovisa—or Daniela. I still can’t tell the twins apart.
But it doesn’t matter if it’s Lovisa or Daniela, I’m naked…and so is she.Fuck.
I snatch my towel off the hook. What the hell am I supposed to do? Cover myself up or throw her the towel so she can coverherselfup?
I toss her the towel. She catches it but isn’t in a rush to cover herself. I attempt to block her view of my package with my hand.
“I wanted to say hi, Kyle.”
“Great, you’ve said hi. Now put on your clothes and go.”
Pouting, she wraps the towel around her chest and takes a step toward me. I step back, maintaining the distance between us. “What part of ‘now go’ are you having trouble with?” I ask.
“You don’t have to be shy with me.”
“I’m not being shy. This is the men’s locker room.”
Her gaze drops to my hand covering my package. “So I’ve noticed.”
“And you can’t be in here.”
She takes another step forward, cornering me. “Sure I can. Ever had shower sex? I thought we could try it out. Together.”
“I have a girlfriend.” I don’t know if it’s true or not, but this isn’t the time to get into those semantics. And as far as Lovisa knows, I’m dating Sofia. Which means why in hell is she in here? “Weren’t you supposed to be in Jyväskylä with Joni?”
“Plans changed.”
So, she’s definitely Lovisa.
