Page 30 of Fallen
The abbess’s smile turned rueful. “I’ve had trouble sleeping of late … I thought the scent of lavender might help.”
Coira’s own mouth curved. “Aye … it should. My mother always said lavender soothed the soul.”
Mother Shona huffed a brittle laugh. “Mine could do with some soothing. The abbot’s presence here grates upon my nerves, I’m afraid … no amount of prayer lessens my desire to slap his impudent face.”
Coira’s mouth quirked at the abbess’s frankness. It was reassuring that Mother Shona also struggled with her baser instincts. It would make it easier to tell her what was on her mind.
“Mother,” she began hesitantly. “May I be frank?”
The abbess inclined her head. “Always.”
“I too have been a little on edge of late, although I must confess that the abbot’s presence here only plays a small part.” Coira paused, suddenly unsure how to phrase the rest. It felt strange, frightening, to expose her thoughts to anyone, even the abbess. Coira was used to keeping all her feelings under lock and key. “Craeg … the outlaw’s … stay here unbalanced me.”
Mother Shona’s eyes narrowed, her expression sharpening. “We’ve all been worried that MacKinnon might somehow track him here,” she replied softly.
Coira shook her head. “It’s not that … I mean … I don’t want MacKinnon here … and I’d never turn someone who needed my help away. It’s just that …” Coira broke off there once more. The Lord give her strength, this was harder than she’d anticipated. “Since Craeg left, I have found myself plagued by … distracting thoughts.”
The abbess went still at this admission, her brown eyes widening. Moments passed, and with each one, Coira’s throat tightened further.
I’ve made a mistake in being so open. Maybe she shouldn’t have confided in Mother Shona.
However, when the abbess spoke, her voice was gentle. “Ye are attracted to him?”
Coira nodded, feeling even more wretched than before.
Mother Shona let out a soft sigh. “Come, Sister Coira. Let us sit together for a few moments.”
The abbess led Coira over to the low wooden bench on the far side of the herb garden. Nestled up against a wall festooned with flowering honeysuckle, it was a sheltered, welcoming spot bathed in sunlight. Even so, Coira started to sweat as she took a seat. Inhaling the sweet scent, Coira waited for the interrogation to begin.
“Please don’t look so grim, Sister,” the abbess said with a sigh. “I’m not going to condemn ye.”
Coira, who had been staring down at her folded hands upon her lap, glanced up. “Ye should,” she replied, her voice rising. “A Bride of Christ mustn’t fall prey to lust.”
A soft smile curved the abbess’s mouth. “The vow of chastity is perhaps the hardest one for many nuns,” she replied.
Coira’s jaw clenched. “But it shouldn’t be for me,” she countered, hating the bitterness she heard in her own voice. “Ye alone know I spent years in a brothel, being used and abused by men. I should hate them.”
“So ye mean to say that ye have never before felt desire?” Mother Shona asked, surprise lacing her voice.
Coira shook her head, her gaze dropping once more. She twisted her fingers together, a sour taste flooding her mouth. “Would ye, in such circumstances?”
It was an impertinent question, but tension had given Coira a sharper tongue than usual. Moments passed, and she braced herself for a chastisement from the abbess. However, none came.
“I imagine some … who have been in the same position as ye … do feel desire,” Mother Shona said. She spoke slowly, as if choosing each word with care. “There will be women who will never leave the brothel … even if they have the opportunity to do so. Few would take the risk ye did in order to make a new start.”
Coira continued to stare down at her entwined fingers, her throat thickening. The abbess was right. There were a number of women she knew would always remain atThe Goat and Goose. Some didn’t appear to dislike the life, and one or two actually seemed to enjoy servicing patrons. Others grew insensitive to the life over the years. These women had frightened Coira, for when she’d looked into their eyes, they’d been empty. She suppressed a shudder at the memory. She’d feared that she too would end up like that if she stayed.
“Aye, a nun should cast off all earthly desires … and that includes carnal sin,” the abbess continued when the silence between them drew out. “But that does not mean that most of us don’t struggle with the vow from time to time.”
Coira’s chin snapped up. She twisted around so that she faced the abbess squarely. “Have ye?”
Mother Shona smiled. “Ye know that my life hasn’t always been as sheltered as it is now.”
Of course, the abbess had barely escaped being raped and murdered when her convent on the mainland had been set upon by brigands. But there had always been a gap in her story. Mother Shona was always vague about the time she’d spent with outlaws before her arrival on the Isle of Skye. All Coira knew was that they’d taught her how to wield weapons.
“I have known carnal pleasure,” Mother Shona said finally, her words so bald that Coira resisted the urge to flinch. “I have known what it is to love a man … and to lose him.”
Coira stared at her, taking in the abbess’s finely boned face. The older woman looked sad.
