Page 47 of Where She Is
“She got mixed up with some influential society crowd. I knew who they were, although our paths didn’t cross too often. They saw Lou as a lost soul because I wasn’t around much and when I was, I wasn’t interested in going out with them. Lou was always eager to party. They introduced her to drugs, and although I caught her with a bit of smoke by the paddocks a few times, I didn’t hassle her about it. I smoked occasionally myself, but I didn’t think for one moment she was any deeper than that. She was out a lot, and I was at work until all hours. Our friendship was falling apart, and it was obvious one day we’d have to go our separate ways. Then she got sick and lost so much weight. She looked tired, withdrawn and skinny. Bloody skinny. I was convinced she had some kind of eating disorder, but Lou got wise to that. You could even say she was smart enough to use it as her cover.”
“What do you mean?”
“She played along with it. I’d ask her to try eating something, but she always gave me the same old answer. She couldn’t face food, and when she did, it made her vomit. Her wardrobe consisted solely of long sleeve tops which wouldn’t show the marks on her arms and she wore a lot of make-up to cover the black rings around her eyes. After a while she suggested separate bedrooms. Apparently, I disturbed her when I came home late from work. I fell for that one too. We weren’t sleeping together anymore by that time, so I agreed. I later found out the real reason. She didn’t want me to see her naked. I was so wrapped up in my career, I didn’t realise the state she was in. Once I discovered the so-called food disorder, I tried to get professional help and that’s when it all came to light. Initially, she confessed her addiction to cocaine, but the harder stuff followed. She wasout of control, Han. I didn’t see it coming. Fuck. I’ll never forgive myself for that.”
My chair scrapes along the wooden deck as I stand from my seat and sit on his lap. I curl my fingers through his thick dark hair, pulling his head to my chest. The pain and guilt he carries is unimaginable, and I’ll do all I can to help him deal with it. I sense the glare of diners around us, but I don’t care. He needs me.
“It wasn’t your fault, Daniel. Louise sounds like a very determined woman and there was nothing you could have said or done differently that would have changed the person she was.”
He pulls his head away from my chest. His normally bright eyes are filled with remorse as they focus on mine. “It was all my fault, I let her die. The night it happened, I—”
My hold tightens around him, “Shh it’s okay. There’s no need to explain.”
“No. I want to.”
My entire body freezes. I’ve been so curious about Lou, but is this the right time? I’m not sure it’s doing any good. I’ve exposed an old wound, and now he’s clawing at the scab. I’ll do all I can to be strong for him, but in truth, my insides are in turmoil.
“I came back from work early to pack. I had a meeting in Melbourne the next day and I wanted to tell her I’d be away for a few days. When she didn’t answer the door, I went straight in. It was the heavy smell that hit me first. A combination of vomit, filth and decay. Sprawled across the bed was her body, but my eyes were drawn straight to the needle still wedged into her skin. The vomit… it was everywhere. She… she choked.”
I smooth his hair with my palm and swallow hard. “It’s okay you don’t have to go on.”
“That image will never leave me.”
I can’t stand it anymore. I wish I could take his pain away. Ihold him with every ounce of strength I have. “Please, Daniel, that’s enough for tonight. This is too painful for you.”
His head shakes, “I need to finish this.”
The waiter arrives and wordlessly sets our drinks on the table. He must sense this is not the time to interrupt.
“Dad kept the details of Lou’s death out of the papers and we used the eating disorder as the official cause. There were rumours, but nobody knew the truth. What I realised soon after was almost everyone in Sydney had seen the extent of Lou’s problems except me. But worse than that, not one of those so-called friends, had the balls to tell me.”
He looks up at me once more and all I can think to say is, “I’m so sorry, Daniel.” My heart bleeds at the sadness in his eyes.
“And then, what did I do? My brattish arsehole ways reappeared and I went on a real bender. There I was, at every society party, picking up women by the dozen, sleeping with two or three girls at a time on some occasions with no respect for them as human beings. I didn’t ask their names, it wasn’t important. A few thought they could change me or save me, Josie for one.”
My breath hitches, and he notices my shock, giving me a half-resigned smile. “Maddie told me she spoke to you. It’s okay.” I’m glad this is out in the open but I’m also wondering when he spoke to Maddie. He carries on and ignores the questions in my eyes.
“I stopped playing around for a while when Josie came along. She was good for me, and I liked her. Things were looking up until one morning she left to go to work and didn’t come back. I found Maddie on my doorstep that night. She said Josie had been meeting some woman who was feeding her information about all the different women I’d supposedly slept with.”
“Jesus… do you suspect it was—”
“I know it was Freya, Han. The last time they met, shesupplied photographic evidence, but I swear to you now, I never once cheated on Josie.”
I shake my head and frown, “You said it yourself, she had photos of you with other women.”
“With women I’d been with months before.”
“I see.” I won’t deny this is hard for me to hear, but I need the complete story so I can remove any skeletons from the cupboard.
“I spent more time at the farm, which is when my problems really started.” He breathes out a resigned breath. “I’d been trekking all day and was taking Storm back to the stable. I couldn’t work out what she was doing there at first. Freya doesn’t ride. She gave me some sob story about being lonely and Joe treating her badly, but I wasn’t falling for it, Joe would give her the earth. When her drama show didn’t work, she begged me to give her a chance. I tried to explain how I didn’t see her that way, but instead of accepting my friendship, she told me she loved me and always had. She tried to kiss me, but I was so disgusted, I pushed her away.”
I’m gob smacked by what he’s said until he floors me further. “You want to know the worst thing about this mess? Deep down, I think I’ve always known she was in love with me, but I ignored it.”
“Daniel—”
“No, Han, there’s no excuse. It’s my fault she’s the way she is. I did that to her.”
“Shh, no Daniel, you can’t think like that.”
