Page 31 of Crush
Adeline knotted her fingers together, her jaw aching. And still, all that tension was nothing compared to the ache that went much deeper.
If only she could feel nothing as Teq claimed.
Loneliness. She’d survived on her own for so long because separating herself and Oliver from Robert, his crimes, and his family had been imperative. Being lonely hurt less than being with the wrong people.
Being with the orcs… Kindly old Amma, supportive Sil, even Mag making the most for theDeepWander.
But no, they were even more lost and desperate than she’d been. Though she’d been willing to work hard, to share what dubious skills she possessed to be a pretty date for an important party, she didn’t have the power to turn their lives around. She could only turn herself around and go home.
So… Why was she standing outside Teq’s door?
Even as she spun on her heel, his door chimed. “Your presence has been announced. Please enter.”
Oh, just great, he already knew she was here, and if then abruptly she wasn’t here, he’d know she’d run away. And yes, shewasrunning away. That was the whole point of leaving theDeepWander, wasn’t it?
“Adeline? Is everything all right?”
Though they’d parted with asperity on both sides, the gentle caring in his query now echoed through her head, and she closed her eyes at the temptation of it. It wasn’t just the implanted translator, the same as Ollie hearing the rock wasn’t just a matter of alien technology.
This was special.
Teq was special. And she was going to leave him behind because… Because she didn’t want to risk her heart, not when she’d sacrificed everything else.
But here she was anyway.
Long, alien fingers brushed her shoulder. There’d been a time she might have recoiled instinctively, not so much because of the alien as because touching hadn’t always been good. But Teq had swept away that fear with hands and tongue and the vibrations.
“Where is Ollie? Is he missing again?”
She swiveled back to face him. “No. He’s in our quarters, with June. He played ghost in the graveyard with her during uroondu while I talked to Mag and Amma. But when I told him we were leaving theDeepWander…” Her voice cracked. “He was so upset. I knew he would be, but…” She drew in a shuddering breath, the tension even in her jaw slackening to utter weakness.
Teq wrapped two arms around her, drawing her into his room. “Let me give you some tea. It’s not as horrible as Earther coffee, but…”
She managed to get out a watery chuckle as he guided her to the couch cushions. It was much like her quarters, though sized with no consideration for an Earther, everything crusher big. But there were other touches were uniquely Teq: a looping pattern of dark purple threads in his pillows, a collection of rocks—nothing special to her human eyes—displayed on a shallow dish, words carved over the simulated viewport that her translator read as ‘Hold tight.’ She shouldn’t be so nosy, not when she was sniveling on him.
He returned, bearing two mugs, both ridiculously large, one of which he handed to her as he knelt on the floor beside her cushion. “Tell me,” he said simply.
She hadn’t been able to explain everything to June, not when her emotions were in such turmoil. But Teq’s calm attention took the edge off her distraught panic. She let out another unsteady breath and took a drink. “On Earth, we went to therapy for everything, for the divorce and the abuse he witnessed before, and then later when Robert’s family tried to take him with a court order. But even their psychiatrist said Ollie was fine with me, better than fine.” She gave her head hard shake. “But tonight… He yelled at me. My sweet little boy. He never yells. And then he… He hit me.”
Teq set aside their mugs to clasp both her hands in all of his, a big, gentle cradle of strength. “That must’ve been some hard memories for you,” he murmured.
She looked down at their hands, his so large and powerful, hence the crusher. And yet he held her so gently. “He didn’t intend to hurt me. Hedidn’thurt me. At least not with his little fists. Worse, I saw the moment he realized what he’d done. I saw it in his eyes. He doesn’t look anything like his father, really. He gets everything from me. And he’s too young to have to understand why those big feelings can hurt.” Her eyes stung, and she blinked away the tears, not wanting to be weaker than she already was.
“You also were too young to have to experience violence from someone who swore to care for you,” he said quietly. “There is no age in all the lightyears of the universe where anyone should have to know such things. There is violence and hardship and need in the universe, and it’s good that you have given Oliver the tools to understand and to heal. He will be able to use that for himself and for others.”
She gazed at him. How could he know this, this alien who claimed he could not feel? “He cried so hard, Teq,” she whispered brokenly. “And I couldn’t stop it. He was crying for everything we lost, and now I’m taking something else away from him.”
Slow and oh so gentle, Teq extended his upper arm and it wasn’t a soft nest like the cushions or a distracting sweetness like the dewdrops, but somehow it was exactly what she needed.
She let herself fall into that sheltering embrace and she sobbed until her throat felt full of cosmic rubble and her eyes gritty with barren dust.
When she had nothing left inside her to sob out, a knight in shining armor would have one of his colorful pennants or a gentleman in a historical drama would have a monogrammed handkerchief, but a mostly naked orc—despite all those pockets—had only his fingers, lots of them, to methodically brush the tears from her cheeks until her face was clear and his hands were damp. “The IDA handbook describes tears,” he said. “I didn’t understand, it seems so painful. Although I realize you do not ask it of me, I wish I could protect you from this pain. But I am in awe of your strength and boldness, that you would take on a universe for your hatchling, where he can grow up protected, and yet you still make space for him to feel what he needs to feel.”
She shook her head, rubbing her cheek against the carving on his chest that meant he was a powerful crusher. “I feel very small and weak and silly,” she whispered. “It’s how Ollie feels, like everyone else has all the power and no one will listen, and I just want to…to smash everything.”
He brushed one finger down her cheek, though all the tears were long gone. “I can show you where I keep the det cord and explosives. Just count down a warning so I can run and hide.”
Her reflexive laugh faded as she gazed up at him and saw he was serious—and realized she wouldn’t necessarily mind learning something like that.
