Page 25 of Gideon
I try not to think of the position that makes me most happy and purse my lips, but Eli shakes his head at me. “Smut,” he mouths. I watch as he crosses his legs as easily as if he does it every second of the day.
It takes me a few longer seconds to get comfortable, and he’s grinning by the time I’ve finished. “Shut up,” I mutter. “I’ve just got very long legs.”
“And a very intractable body,” he observes. “I think there’s a deep meaning in that.”
I shake my head. “You’ve only been here five minutes and you already sound like Yogi Bear.”
He wrinkles his forehead. “I’m not sure Yogi Bear actually did yoga.”
“Ssh,” I say reprovingly. “The plinky plonky music has started.”
Some sort of music plays which is supposed to be relaxing, but instead just reminds me of the time in primary school when Niall was determined to learn the xylophone.
“Okay,” Kim says happily. “Close your eyes, straighten your back, and raise the crown of your head so it salutes the sky.”
I try to do as she asks, but now I’m imagining an enormous hand coming out of my head and waving at the clouds. It’s rather disconcerting, and I sneak a peek at Eli only to find him looking serene and a mirror image to Kim’s posture.
“Once you’ve done this, try to find a place where your body and mind come to stillness. A calm place within you.”
Oh dear. I don’t think I actually have one of those. I wonder if I’m faulty. Eli opens his eyes and I immediately assume an expression of serene contemplation. Anyone else would believe me. He just looks like he wants to laugh. I grimace at him and turn back to Kim.
“Take a deep breath in through your nose, filling your lungs as much as you can, and exhale through your mouth,” she says. Everyone immediately makes a loud sound and I dismiss the idea of doing that in case it sets me off on the road to coughing up one of my lungs, which would not grant anyone any serenity at all.
Unfortunately, because of my inability to breathe through my nostrils and mouth, I seem to miss most of the point of the class as, for the next hour, Kim exhorts us to breathe.
“How are you doing?” Eli whispers.
“Well, I think I must be some sort of genius,” I say modestly. “I must surely belong in the advanced class because I already know how to breathe.”
He bites his lip before giving out a soft snort. “Just go along with it.”
“I can’t,” I whisper. “She’s asking me to breathe, so I can get to my special place.”
“What’s the problem with that?”
“Well, I don’t think I can get to my special place by breathing. It usually takes buying someone a few rounds of drinks and getting a hotel room first.”
He starts to laugh but smothers it quickly when Kim glares at him.
“She’s not as serene as she appears,” I warn him. “I bet she’s hell on wheels if your chakras are out by even a millimetre.”
He shakes his head. “I really don’t think you should be allowed to talk about anything to do with spiritual serenity.”
“I think you might be right,” I say gloomily, putting my hand on my chest and the other hand on my stomach as she directs, resisting the opportunity to try and rub both at the same time like I’m at school again.
After another torturous few minutes of being exhorted to breathe through my nostrils, Kim stirs.
“Well done, everyone. Thank yourself for sitting down on your mat and starting the day properly.”
“Starting the day properly?” I say in a low voice to Eli. “That’s a bit judgemental. At the end of the day, I just sat and breathed. If I thanked myself every time I did that I’d never have time for doing anything I actually enjoyed.”
“I think we might have hit upon the point of meditation for you,” he says dryly, waving at Kim and saying thank you before moving towards the steps.
“Food,” he says happily as we start down the stairs.
“I have an ominous feeling that this isn’t going to go my way either,” I say dourly.
“Probably,” he says cheerfully, leading me along the deck and exchanging more happy greetings with complete strangers.
