Page 33 of Oz
He laughs. “You’re so talented you should have a stall at Blackpool Pier and read some palms.”
I shake my head as he sobers up from the next fit of laughter. “Okay,” he finally manages. “Okay, I’m ready.” He looks at me and snorts again but composes himself and checks his book. “Can you get your hands all round the wheel?”
I smile salaciously at him. “I can get my hands around most girths. It’s like a superpower.”
He sighs. “Somany innuendos. It’s like teaching David Walliams to drive.”
I laugh. “Okay, I can manage to handle the wheel. What’s next?”
He flicks a page in the bloody book and consults it. “Make sure the doors are shut,” he reads aloud. “Any idea how we can tell?”
I shake my head. “If there’s a bit of a draft and I fall out, they must be open.”
He flushes.He’s so earnest and adorable. Who knew that would be my kryptonite?
“Stupid fucking book,” he mutters and chucks it in the back seat accompanied by my laughter. He twists round. “Okay, we’ll do it my way.”
“Be still my heart,” I mutter.
He grins. “You should be worried. I failed my test three times.”
“Three times. Who the fuck failsthree times?”
“Says the man who’s never taken a test.”
“Even so, I know enough to know you’d have to be seriously bad to fail a driving testthree times.”
“They’re very harsh in their judgements,” he says primly. “I felt they were being far too picky.”
“What did you fail on?” He mutters something and I grin. “I’m sorry. What did you say?”
“I crashed the car the first time,” he mutters.
I start to laugh, holding my sides. “Oh my God, this is so good. And they failed you for that? Judgemental arseholes.”
“The instructor used very harsh language. He swore at me.”
I laugh harder. “Poor baby,” I gasp. “What happened the second time?”
“I reversed rather than going forward.”
I snort. “Did you hit anything?”
“No. Luckily with the dual controls the examiner was able to swerve and miss the old lady.”
I’m crying now. “Shit. This is brilliant. So, crashing the car and a near flattening of an OAP. These tests are so fuckingharsh. Who could pass with those unattainably high standards? What was the third?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t want to tell you.”
I grab his arm. I’m laughing so hard I can’t speak properly. “Please, you have to.”
A grin flits across his lips before he quashes it. “You have to do an emergency stop. The examiner signals it when he slams his clipboard down on the dashboard.”
“And?”
He shrugs. “You have to understand I was quite jumpy by then. I was a bag of nerves, really. Anyway, he slammed his hand down very loudly.” He pauses. “Much too loudly and extremely forcefully, if you ask me.”
I bite my lip. “And?”
