Page 17 of A Twist in Fate
Almost a week later and everything between me and Lucas is still slightly awkward. He is still in his habit of calling me sunshine, making my heart melt like butter on a hot pan. He was right. It feels impossible ignoring it, not just how sweet and funny he is, but our kiss. It wasn't just a kiss. I think it wasthekiss. I've only kissed two boys beside Lucas and while they were okay, they were nothing like kissing him. I was in my head, and it felt wrong with any other person but with Lucas it feels different. It is easy. Effortless. I don’t know why I kissed him. All the thoughts had vanished from my mind until they all came rushing back at once and that is when I pulled away. I cannot get myself attached to someone when it would inevitably end, especially not my bestfriend's brother which means it would inevitably end very badly. It being awkward between us is completely my fault too. I don't know how to act around him without feeling like I'm on fire. Sometimes, I feel myself slipping into the way we were before, but as soon as his eyes linger on mine or my hand brushes his, I remember the kiss. I remember the way his hand gripped my waist. The look in his eyes as we lent in. He is unforgettable, no matter how hard I try. Whatever feelings are arising from being around him the past week get squashed when I remember all the reasons it cannot work.
I think it all over once again as I slip on some comfy shorts and loose t-shirt over my swimsuit. Today we get to take our group to the lake and spend the day swimming, canoeing and playing volleyball. I have checked with the children to make sure they could all swim before, which they can, so luckily, we don't have to teach anyone how to swim because I do not think I am skilled enough to do that. I am pulled out of my thoughts when the door to my cabin swings open and I turn to see Bailey in the doorway. If there was one person I would want to talk to and ask about Lucas, it would be my best friend. Bailey seems like the type of person to completely understand what to do in this situation, but she's already been so cautious with mebeing around Lucas. The entire idea of telling her that we have kissed, places a heavy weight upon my shoulders but so does the idea of lying to her. So, my plan is just to avoid the topic altogether. It is clearly fallproof.One hundred percent.
“I am so jealous that you get a lake day today. My first one is not until next week! I just want an excuse to get tanned and try to drown James.” Bailey plops down onto my bed, her skirt flowing around her.
“Hey! I was changing!” I say, shutting the door she has left open, then moving back to the mirror.
“You're literally dressed,” she says, with a mischievous grin, looking me up and down as if she is assessing my outfit.
“I had just put a shirt on. One second earlier and I would have been half naked!”
“Okay, okay.” She stands up next to me, swinging an arm over my shoulder and looks at us in my mirror. She continues, “you know you are allowed to wear bikinis, Charlie doesn't mind what we wear as long as it is not inappropriate.” She walks over to my drawers and starts looking through the few swimming costumes I have brought with me. “Wait. This one is so cute. Please wear it!” She holds up a red bikini that is my favourite of theones I bought. It is completely modest, but it is the one I look best in, so it feels wrong to wear it in front of children.
“Why? I have no one to wear it for,” I say, but my mind envisions the boy’s blonde hair, blue eyes and soft lips.
“Mhmm, are you sure?” she says, but when I give her a confused look, she brushes it off and continues, “You shouldn't wear something for someone else! You look cute in it, you feel cute in it. This is about confidence!” I laugh at how dramatic she is being. This is one of my favourite things about her. She loves to exaggerate anything she can, and it usually works to her advantage by making me laugh. Everyone in her family seems to have that same ability to make everything shine with happiness. With Bailey it comes down to jokes that make the most random or smallest stuff seem funny. She can also turn the most boring situation into something you can enjoy. Daisy does the same, seeking out the fun and being a little reckless whilst doing it. She loves to entertain the other kids and by what I have heard from Bailey's stories, it seems like she loved to do the same when she was younger.
Lucas is the same but also so different. He makes jokes and finds fun in almost everything he does, butthere's something else about him. He is sweet and understanding. He brings this warmth that makes life feel lighter when I'm around him. I think it's genetic because while these three can be so amazing they can be difficult when they want to. They are ridiculously stubborn. The other day we had to set up archery for our group and we went into the shed where they keep all the activities. There were two boxes, one with the label that said ‘heavy equipment’ and with Lucas behind me I decided to grab the heavier one but as soon as I lifted it up it was swept out my hands in an instant. I was persistent and refused to let him take it because I didn’t want to seem weak after I chose to carry it. If I’m being honest, it was heavier than expected but I could carry it, and I definitely wouldn't let Lucas tell me I couldn't.
“Lucas, I can carry a box,”I had said, a frustrated look on my face which only put a smirk on his.
“I know you can do it sunshine. You can do anything you put your mind to but let me do it for you.”He tightened his grip on the box pulling it away but I still had a firm hold on it.“Please?”I eventually gave in, or maybe my heart did. It's extremely hard to say no to the Millers’.
I almost forget where I am when Bailey nudges me ever so slightly and I remember the dramatic speech she had just recited to me.
“Maybe next time.” I smile at her, and she puts the bikini away, sighing with defeat.She lays back onto my bed with a frustrated look on her face.
“Damn. That speech was phenomenal, I thought that would have won you over, Vee.” I laugh again.
“You wish.”
“Okay, we have finished canoeing for the day and it's lunchtime so we can eat our food here for the next hour and then head back. You can go in the water but only up to the barrier over there.” I point over to the floating barrier tied to the small wooden pillars in the lake. The six children standing in front of me all look extremely excited, except Violet. She was in my canoe earlier and seemed to be having more fun, but I can't help but think something is off. During the first week, I thought she was getting more and more comfortable here but now it seems she is getting back to the place she was in when we first met. The place where she is shy and reserved. I was a shychild too but knowing that she can and wants to be socialising with the other children hurts. It feels too close to home. I wish I knew how to help.
After hours of canoeing and swimming we are now away from the pier and at the lakes’ beach. This might be my favourite place here. It's where the sun hits you but there's still a breeze. It's where none of the children are screaming so you can enjoy the peacefulness of it all.
“Okay, off you go and make sure you've got enough sun screen otherwise you will burn,” Lucas says. All the children scurry off, leaving me and Lucas alone, watching them as they do.Great.Me and him alone.Totally not the worst thing I need right now.We sit down in the sand, allowing the silence to come over us. The rocks are fine and small shells dot around it.
“Hey.” He nudges me with his elbow and then moves to lean down on the sand. “We’re okay right? I know I made it all weird, but I was just caught up. I hope we can just go back to normal.” I feel something sink in my chest. Why am I disappointed? I'm not. This is what I wanted. Normal.
“Yeah.” I breathe out. “That's what I want to do too.” I smile at him, and he gives me a small one too but turns his head back to focus on the children playing in the rockysand. “Was it the same when you were younger? The camp, was it all lake days and games like this?” I ask.
“It was when I was older, but it only opened a few years before we started going there so it didn't have much funding. At that time it was more a place for children to spend time together while their parents worked. Then we spent every summer here after that. It killed me leaving Lake Sylva for college, but I knew that I wanted to go to New York. I don't regret it at all, though. I wouldn't have met James and he's pretty cool. Mom had to work as a nurse all summer and could never get the time off so yeah, we just came here instead,” he replies, still staring straight ahead.
“What about your dad?” I ask and something painful flashes across his face. He looks down and sits up straight before speaking.
“I thought Bailey would have said something. Uh… he died when our mom was pregnant with Daisy. It was almost expected. He had cancer but it was really difficult for us because we didn’t find out until it was too late. Mom didn't work at the time, but she had her degree, so she decided to become a nurse to support us. We don't have many nurses here anyways. It's cool you want to do that too, help people I mean. I’m sorry. I don't know why I'm talking so much about this. I'm not used to talking about him or any of it.”
He looks down at the sand again and I reach out to place my hand over his. His eyes fly up to mine then to our hands before I say, “I am so sorry Lucas. How old were you?”
“Twelve. Bailey was ten. She really did well after it, considering the circumstances. Better than I did anyways. She went to therapy and quickly learnt that she was lucky to have so much time with him. She spent the first four years of Daisy’s life telling her about Dad to make it feel as though she grew up with him too.” He is staring into the distance, looking at the lake. It's the most vulnerable I have ever seen him. “I just found everything hard after it. I think I was partly jealous that her and Mom seemed to feel okay quicker than me. They were still upset obviously but they just seemed happy to talk about him. Hearing about him tore me apart. Over the years, we slowly stopped mentioning him. They knew I couldn’t hear about him without being upset and that then upset them. The photos of him left the house and I know Bailey doesn't like to bring him up because, at some point, it just got too difficult for all of us. I just assumed you would know.” Hetakes a deep breath and I give him a moment with the silence.
“That sounds so difficult. I could never imagine going through so much at such a young age. If there's anything I can do to help, I'm happy to. I like listening to you,” I say, my hand still over his.
“Thank you. I don't think I've opened up to someone like that since…” he trails off for a moment then faces me, “well ever.” He smiles at me and tightens his hand around mine.
“Thank you for feeling comfortable enough to talk to me about it.” I smile up at him, squeezing his hand gently.
We stay like that while the children, in the sand and water, are distracted by the low waves and building sandcastles. It feels right holding his hand like this. I had an idea that maybe something had happened with Bailey and James’ dad since I had never heard about him, but I never would want to push something like that. Me and Bailey have been friends for only just over two years and I am not surprised she didn't mention that she had lost her dad at such a young age. It seems to have affected her and Lucas more than they would care to admit. They are clearly still hurting and something about the way he opened up to me or the way his hand feels in mine, ignitesa warm feeling in my chest. I study his face for a moment taking in every feature. He has small freckles that have come out much more in the sun, but he has much less than the ones that cover my face and body. His blonde waves which are almost curled after being by the lake all day fall over his closed eyes. His waves almost look like mine the day I arrived here as the sun hits them. He looks relaxed. He looks calm. I try my best not to shift my focus to his bare chest but as soon as I do, Lucas has one eye open watching me. Shit. Embarrassment covers my face, and I try not to blush but fail once again, feeling those familiar nerves across my skin.
