Page 56 of Bound By Pain
“Nothing,” I grumble. The porch is cold beneath me as I sit down beside him, leaving a gap between us. Snow dusts the lawn, and the cloudy skies above promise more coverage as the day progresses. I hate winter. It’s cold, wet, and miserable.
“You’re shaking.”
Rolling my eyes, I raise my shaky water bottle to my lips and take a sip. “Why pretend like you care?”
“I do care,” he growls.
“You’re shit at showing it, then.” I shrug, cursing myself for not grabbing a hoodie before I came out. The shaking from my heightened anxiety is getting worse from sitting in the frigid air with barely any clothes on.
Warm sandalwood and sun-baked leather flood my senses as something warm falls over my head, blocking my sight. I slip myarms into the soft material and subtly inhale. Fates, do I love his scent. He smells like a beachside twilight, with just the barest hint of sea salt mixed in.
“I know. I haven’t been the mate you deserve.”
“You haven’t eventried!”
He takes my anger without flinching, punching me in the gut with how easily he accepts that this is how things will always be between us.
Why can’t he just fight? For me or with me?
“I’m a broken Alpha, Bea. Something I am working to fix, but fear doesn’t disappear overnight.”
“We all have trauma, Lex. Every single one of us. Whether it’s a lifetime of hurt you’re running from, or just one instance, it doesn’t matter. No one should weather their storms alone, and that’s precisely what you are doing.”
He sighs, head falling back as snow starts to fall from the sky. Tiny flakes land on his face and in his dark blonde hair, but he doesn’t brush them away.
“I was nine when my mother died. Ovarian cancer. The doctor’s caught it too late, and it had already spread to her lungs and liver.”
My fingers press to my lips, heart aching for the image of a tiny Lex watching his mother pass. To be so young and witness the decline of someone so close to you as they battled such a devastating disease…
“I didn’t get to really grieve her until I reached the Alpha Academy. My father was an Alpha. The only mate my Omega mother ever found. When their bond shattered, his mind and soul twisted from the pain. He became someone else entirely, hiding the fragments of their broken connection behind drugs and alcohol.”
Acid sours my stomach as he speaks. His voice monotone. Almost like he is reading from a book instead of recounting the traumas of his childhood.
“I look just like her. Same blonde hair and gray eyes. Similar nose and cheek structure. My father couldn’t stand looking at me. His anger quickly became directed toward me. Neglect, heavy fists, and harsh words were the reality I drowned in until I presented.
“His words, his hatred, buried deep in my mind, latching on to every emotion, every memory they could. I can’t breathe without hearing his voice echo in my mind, reminding me how worthless I am.”
Lex shudders, head falling so he’s staring at his feet. I scoot closer, silently pressing against his side. His eyes dart to me before flickering away just as quickly. Words clog my throat, but I remain silent, sensing he has more to say.
“Years, decades even, and I still wake up from nightmares of the days I spent trapped in that house. The pain from his fists echoes through my entire body, so strong I’m surprised you cannot feel it through our connection.”
He turns, leg brushing against mine as he leans against me. His forehead meets mine, breath ghosting over my lips as he speaks. “I want to be with you, Bea. Want to be bound to you, heart, body, and soul. But I am terrified of you experiencing the residual effects of my trauma. The nightmares, the pain.”
Pushing to my feet, I drop myself into his lap, straddling him. One finger tilts his chin up so he’s forced to meet my eyes. “Everyone has nightmares, Lex. We all feel pain. And this connection? Shared pain? It’s inevitable. What do you think will happen when I have a heat and the cramps start? All five of you will feel it.”
“That isn’t the same-”
“Isn’t it? Does the pain I feel remembering being strapped to the Doctor’s table hurt any less than the misery of a broken bone? They may be different types of pain, but they still hurt. They still cut just as deeply. Let me help carry the burden of your past. I’ll take your pain, Lex. All of your broken pieces. They shine just as brightly, even if they don’t fit together the same as they did before.”
His lips slam into mine, hands gripping my hips and pulling me closer. The feel of his tongue sliding along mine is like getting struck by lightning. It lights up every nerve in my body, burning through me as need so fierce it aches surges across my skin.
“Fuck. Shit. I can’t.” Lex wrenches his lips from mine, hands flexing on my hips. “I need to go.”
His voice is gravelly with need, but his eyes betray his desperate need to escape. I push away from him, stumbling on my feet. He follows, fingers pinching my chin in a tight grip. “Not forever. Just for now. If I stay, I’ll do something we’ll both regret and sink my teeth into you. I’m not ready for that. Neither are you.”
Swallowing thickly, I nod. “Okay.” Lex presses the barest hint of a kiss to my lips and walks away.
I don’t know how long I sit here before my apartment door opens, and strong arms wrap around me, lifting me against a warm chest and carrying me back inside. All three of my mates surround me, purrs roaring to life and scents providing me comfort as I fall apart.
