Page 22 of Healing Hearts on Thistledown Lane: Part 3
Her gaze settled on the half-finished plate. ‘Relationships end all the time,’ she said. ‘Life goes on.’
‘Yes, but—’ He took in the mulish tilt of her chin and tried again. ‘You’ve lost something that mattered, Maura. It’s okay to take time to adjust, to mourn its loss.’
‘That’s the thing,’ she said, the words slow. ‘I’ve come to realise that whatever Jamie and I had died a long time ago. You saw us together – did we seem happy?’
Instinct prevented Fraser from giving his honest opinion of the relationship. ‘I know he didn’t treat you very well,’ he replied warily, watching her as she moved towards the bench and bent to retrieve a small box that he guessed contained the ghosts. ‘And for what it’s worth, I don’t think he made you happy.’
‘Exactly,’ she said. ‘So there’s nothing to mourn. You might even say he’s done me a favour.’
Her voice shook a little, in spite her best efforts to disguise it. Fraser wasn’t sure whether it was caused by the pain of talking about the break-up or tiredness brought on by overwork, but Kirsty’s parting comment was fresh in his mind; he wasn’t about to worsen a bad situation.
‘Look, I know you’re in the middle of glazing that plate, and I’m only supposed to be picking up the ghosts, but do you fancy sharing a takeaway?’
‘Sorry?’ she said, blinking in surprise.
‘I haven’t eaten yet and I’m starving,’ he said, deciding it was a necessary lie. ‘We can get whatever you want. I’m buying.’
He thought she was going to refuse. She stood with the box in her hands, staring down at it as though it could tell her what to do, and he saw her lips begin to frame the rejection. But then a long, ragged sigh juddered through her, and when she looked up, he saw the shadow of a smile. ‘I’m not going to lie, I could murder a crispy chilli beef. There’s a decent Chinese not far from here – I’ve got a menu upstairs.’
Nearly two hours later, they were sitting side by side on the sofa in her apartment, crumbs of prawn crackers and spring rolls strewn across the coffee table in front of them. The last time Fraser had been inside was to deposit an inebriated Jamie, but that memory had been pushed aside as he’d helped Maura pull out plates and cutlery for the food that was already on its way.
He half-expected her to pick at the dishes, and she had been listless at first, but then her appetite had seemed to return and she’d eaten with gusto. She’d offered to open a bottle of wine, which he’d declined, and had found a bottle of sparkling water instead.
Fraser had done his best to make her laugh with stories from his acting days and slowly, some of the stress and exhaustion had slipped from her shoulders. She relaxed against the cushions, one leg tucked underneath her, and listened with rapt attention as he talked.
He wasn’t sure when her eyes began to droop – sometime around ten o’clock, he supposed – but he didn’t stop talking. At one point in his career, he’d had a job narrating sleep stories for a popular mindfulness app, and he knew all about levelling his cadence and tone to encourage an overwhelmed mind to let go and rest. When he was sure she was asleep, he got soundlessly to his feet and retrieved a hand-knitted blanket from the armchair to spread across Maura’s legs. Then he gathered up the takeaway containers and dirty plates, taking them to the kitchen and rinsing them. He couldn’t see a recycling box, assumed she kept it downstairs, so he stacked the clean plastic tubs neatly on the draining board and loaded the plates into the dishwasher. Satisfied he hadn’t left any cleaning up for Maura to do, he padded softly back to the living room.
She’d nestled deeper into the cushions in his absence and the blanket had fallen to the floor. He stood for a moment, watching her sleep, glad to see a bloom of colour had crept into her pale cheeks. Then he collected the blanket and draped it over her once more, leaning down to tuck the edges around her more firmly so it wouldn’t fall again.
The action broke her sleep. Her eyes opened just as he finished tucking the blanket. ‘Fraser,’ she murmured as he began to straighten up. Her face tilted towards him, eyes widening as she took in his nearness. She reached up to lay a hand on his chest. ‘Don’t go.’
Those two words caused the air to freeze in Fraser’s chest. Around him, time seemed to expand and contract, fracturing into a kaleidoscope of nanoseconds that danced before him in rainbow colours before melting away, leaving him unsure just how long he’d been staring at Maura.
The need in her eyes was palpable and he understood exactly why she’d spoken. Her self-confidence was in shreds, driving her to seek out reassurance and comfort. And he was right there, a mere breath away. It would be the most natural thing in the world to dip his head and soothe away all her doubt and pain for a few hours, to make her feel loved. But it would also be wrong, no matter how tempted he was. No matter how much she thought this was what she wanted. He cared about her too much to do anything that risked making her feel worse.
Easing back was the hardest thing Fraser had ever done. Maura’s expression crumpled as she absorbed the rejection, making him feel wretched. Her eyes filled with tears and, for a moment, his self-control wavered. But he pressed his lips together and inched further back. Her hand dropped to her lap as she turned her face away. ‘Don’t think for a minute I don’t want to,’ he said, his voice low. ‘But you’re hurt and unhappy and I’d be no better than Jamie if I took advantage of that.’
Maura said nothing and her silence wrenched at him. She sniffed, her face still towards the sofa.
He waited in steady silence until at last she turned to look at him. ‘You’ve been through enough and I want you to know I’m here whenever you need me, only a text or a call away. But as a friend, not as a mistake you’ll only regret in the morning.’
He thought she might break then. She certainly had the right to. But instead she managed to soften the thin white line of her lips to let out a barely audible reply. ‘Okay.’
Fraser took in the dark circles beneath her eyes, somehow made more pronounced by the glitter of unshed tears. ‘Will you sleep, do you think? You look exhausted.’
Again, it took her a little time to summon enough composure to answer. ‘The nights have been rough. I haven’t slept much.’ A sudden yawn seemed to catch her by surprise, seeming to lessen the misery that had been gripping her. ‘But maybe tonight will be different.’
He offered a smile. ‘Want me to make you some warm milk? Camomile tea does the job for me but I haven’t reached the point of middle age when I carry it around with me.’
It wasn’t much of a joke but it raised the ghost of a smile at least.
‘I can make my own milk,’ she said, rubbing her hands over her face. ‘Thanks for coming over and making me eat. I think I needed it.’
‘Like I said, I’m here whenever you need me.’
She sighed. ‘And I’m sorry to put you in such an awkward position. Thank you for turning me down.’
At this, his mouth quirked. ‘Oh. Any time, I guess.’
She pulled the blanket across her lap and leaned back against the sofa. ‘Trust me, it won’t happen again,’ she said, closing her eyes. ‘You’re a good friend, Fraser.’
Silently, he collected his jacket and the box of ghosts and made his way down the stairs. As he closed the front door and filled his lungs with the cool night air, he pictured Maura as he’d left her, at peace for a short while at least.
He’d meant it when he said he would be there for her whenever she needed him, as a friend as well as a business partner. It was probably wisest not to examine the ripple of regret clouding his thoughts. He’d been as good as his word – he’d tried his best not to make things worse, although he’d be a liar if he didn’t admit he’d teetered on the brink for a heartbeat or two. But at least he would be able to look Kirsty in the eye the next time he saw her, as well as his own reflection in the mirror tomorrow morning, and that was what really mattered. Not the faint whisper in his head that something had been lost.
Thrusting the thought away, Fraser jammed his hands into his pockets and set off for home.
End of Part Three
