Page 8 of The Disputed Legacy
I sighed again, touched that I was doing all right where he was concerned. If I did nothing else with my life, I could rest with the peace that I was raising a good boy. A sweet child. Someone who’d want to help others.
As he joined me again, I recalled how he’d asked me why I wouldn’t apply for that help program. I’d never seek help or go for funding. I couldn’t risk being that vulnerable.
But this fear of losing my son—to anything and anyone—was wearing on me.
It was silly to think of leaning on a government assistance program.
And it was ridiculous to imagine having a husband or partner to count on for help. I’d heard my neighbors tending to their disaster of an apartment all week. Both of them were there, working as a team.
That wasn’t my fate, though.
Being alone was safest for Oscar—no matter how lonely I could feel and regardless of how tiring it was to have to keep everything together and afloat on my own.
4
SAUL
“You ready?” Hugo, one of our older supervisors within the family, asked from the driver’s seat as we parked outside a cafe we owned.
I rolled my head against the headrest to peer at him. He was one of the best men we had. Experienced. Loyal. No bullshit. I could be real with him.
“Or are you going to sit around in here and whine about your headache a little more?” he taunted dryly.
“Fuck, I feel old.”
He chuckled, and even that was cruel. “That’s what you get for drinking all night.”
I sighed. I knew that. I didn’t need him to remind me of that fact.
“You want my advice?” he asked instead of waiting for me to comment on his scolding. Not many men could get away with that. Respect was earned in the Ivanov Syndicate. He wasn’t really scolding, anyway. He was giving me shit like a friend would.
“I have a hunch you’re going to give it to me whether I want it or not,” I replied.
“Get laid,” he suggested.
I rolled my eyes and faced forward again, waiting for the other cars of soldiers to arrive. We were downtown ready to answer to these reports of Romanos bothering our businesses. It was little, pesky crap they kept pulling. Graffiti. Harassing waitresses at our restaurants. Bothering employees just doing their jobs at our other front businesses. But it all added up. If Dominic Romano had the goal of distracting us with minor hits, he was doing it well.
“Ever since Maxim met Sloane, then Damon got with Lucy, and then with Nik coming home married to Katerina…” Hugo shrugged. “You couldn’t look like a lonely moron any more if you tried.”
“I’m not lonely,” I protested. “How could I be lonely when I’ve got all my family? And the babies being born and…” I furrowed my brow, wondering why I was trying so hard to deny that I was lonely. Fuck it. I was. It shouldn’t seem like a weakness to admit it, not to someone I could shoot the shit with and trust like Hugo.
“Before all that, when you were more like the usual Saul I know, it was a new woman every night. You never took a break from chasing a piece of ass and getting some. You know?”
I didn’t reply, clamping my lips shut.
“You were happy then.”
“But now I’m not,” I stated firmly as the cars pulled up. With backup here, we were good to go. It was time to deal with these fuckers who thought they could hang around at our café and refuse to pay the bill while bothering the servers and hostess.
I left the conversation where it was with Hugo, switching into business mode. He wouldn’t nag me any further on the matter, and it wasn’t like anything more needed to be said.
Yes, it was stupid to drink so much last night, but it had numbed the loneliness.
No, I didn’t need to get laid, not with some fling.
And yes, I wasn’t as happy as I used to be. Now that I saw how much happier my brothers were, I wanted to experience that kind of peace and commitment.
But this wasn’t the time to stress about that.
