Page 78 of Prisoner of Darkness and Dreams
The dryads shift uncomfortably. It seems that being lectured on this matter by one of their own—or at least someone who’spartlyone of their own—helps the message hit home.
“What would you have us do?” Inas asks calmly.
I exhale, knowing what I’m going to ask next will surprise them.
“The gaidonesti are incredible sources of power, and?—”
“No,” one of the dryads snaps.
“Absolutely not,” says Letrium, and his cheeks flush with outrage.
I try to calm them with a soothing tone. “All I’m suggesting is that you allow us to use them, if needed.”
“I’ve told you how precious the gaidonesti are to us,” Diomi says. He looks disappointed in me for even asking. “We will not risk them, especially not for a war.”
“It wouldn’t even be something we need to organize right now,” I say. “But when—if—the time comes where we need to make a stand against Caledon, I could use that celestial power.”
“You learned of the gaidonesti against our will, and you’ve clearly shared that information with your friends,” Inas says witheringly. “We allowed you to access them in a ritual to make up for the way our people have wronged you, and because you were in need. But no more. You have asked enough of us.”
My shoulders slump as I realize I might have just burned through what little good will I had with the dryads.
“Very well,” I say. “Thank you for your help. For everything. You may not believe me, but I am truly grateful.”
Inas gives an abrupt nod as I rise, indicating our meeting is over. I’m sad it’s ended on this sour note, but I knew I couldn’t leave Starfall without at least trying. To defeat Caledon, we need bigger, better weapons in our arsenal.
But the dryads won’t be the ones to give it.
“Well, that went as well as to be expected,” Alastor says as we leave Aquila Hall. “I suppose we better get packing. I get the feeling we’ve overstayed our welcome.”
I nod, but stop Tira before we separate to return to our individual rooms.
“Can we talk?” I ask.
“Sure,” she says, curiosity wrinkling her brow. I catch Leon’s eyes as I suggest Tira and I go to her room. I know he understands what I’m going to do. What Ineedto do, if I’m going to keep the darkness at bay.
When Tira and I are alone, and I start talking about Kit, she immediately stiffens. I push on, not giving myself a chance to back out as I describe in detail what Caledon did to Kit, and the choice I made.
I watch her face as I share the story, her expression turning from confusion, to shock, to sorrow. When her eyes shine with tears, I want to reach out and comfort her, but I’m not sure if she would even want that from me, now I’m explaining what I did.
The idea hurts, but I remember what I learned in the dryads’ temple—I have to let go of my guilt. That’s what’s been blocking me, and keeping this from Tira was just a symptom of that. Now I have to accept the consequences, even if it means changing how she sees me.
“I wanted to shield you from the reality of what happened,” I say, staring down at my hands. The nails are a long way from growing back. “But I think I also wanted to shield myself too.”
“Was it quick, at least?” she asks, her voice flat.
“Yes. I made sure of that,” I say, hating the crack of my voice as I reply. I wrestle my emotions under control. It’s not fair to Tira for me to break down before I finish saying what I need to say.
“I’m so sorry, Tira. I understand if you can’t forgive me for this. I can hardly forgive myself. It took coming here to even be able to tell you what I did.”
Her eyes widen. “Ana, is this why you haven’t been able to use your magic?”
I nod. “I think that’s what triggered it. I couldn’t face what I’d done. But I realize now that it’s the only way to move forward.”
“Then you’ve been punishing yourself all this time without telling me,” she says, sounding stern. I feel a twinge of hope.
“Yes, I think I have,” I say.
“Well, that’s a pretty fucking stupid thing to do,” she says. “Kit wouldn’t have wanted you to go around destroying yourself because of him.”
