Page 72 of The Moonstone Governess
How could she know? How could she trust him not to become the monster his father and brother had been?
He raked a hand through his hair. “Brenna, I am not having this conversation with you.”
She looked up at him with gentle eyes. “Perhaps at a later time, then.”
He grunted. “No.”
Having made clear there was to be no more discussion about him, he changed the topic. “Where are you walking?”
“Nowhere in particular. I just like to wander through this field of poppies.”
“There’s something about them. I’m drawn to them too. I don’t know why.”
“I think I do.”
He groaned. “Gad, are you always going to have an opinion on everything?”
But he spoke with gentle teasing, for he was more curious than annoyed. He was also quite a bit amused that she, a complete innocent, had answers for everything.
She cast him a heartfelt smile. “No, not on everything. However, I do tend to think a lot, and I am determined to figure you out. Do you mind?”
“Do I have a choice?” he asked.
“I suppose not, for you cannot stop me from thinking about you. For many, a field of red poppies represents death. Blood. But it also represents peace. Perhaps a peace found in death. But also simply peace. I think this is what you see whenever you look across this field. Peace. Release. Freedom from your agony. It is a field of hope for you. A field where you can escape into your dreams. Good dreams, not the nightmares that probably haunted your childhood and perhaps plague your adult life, too.”
She pointed toward the sea. “Just look at this view… The water, blue and glistening. The sky, an even deeper blue and dotted with white clouds. The sweet grass, a deep, vibrant green. And those poppies. Bright red and swaying in the breeze. One feels transported to an idyllic place.”
“Go on.”
“You are in another world here, a world where you can forget your pain and open your heart to new possibilities, allow yourself the happiness you seem determined to deny yourself. This is the essence of the problem, isn’t it? You don’t know what happiness feels like, nor are you certain you deserve it.”
“Ah, Brenna. I had no idea you were such a philosopher.”
She frowned. “Please, do not mock me. I could not bear it from you. This is what Albert and his professor friends did to me. What makes any of you wiser? Why can I not think about things and wonder what might be? Who says men are the only ones capable of higher reasoning?”
“Forgive me, little dove. I was not mocking you or condescending to you.” He took her gently by the shoulders and turned her to face him. “Everything you have said is true. But so what? I do not live in a world of dreams. I go by hard facts. Knowing what I am will not necessarily change me. Knowing it and being able to do something about it are quite separate things.”
“But that’s just it. I don’t think you know yourself. You have convinced yourself that you are a horrible monster like your brother. It isn’t true.”
“Are you sure? Because I am not sure of this at all. Enjoying a field of poppies will not fix the darkness in me. Yes, it will soothe me for a while. But what if I become angry? What if I ever raised a hand to you?” He shook his head and tried to ignore the pain in his heart. “Looking at flowers is not going to cure me. Do not be naïve.”
“And you ought to stop being a stubborn dolt.” She gave him a tender frown, if there was such a thing. But this was Brenna, irritated with him and also wanting to hug him and love him. “You would die before ever hurting me.”
“Brenna,” he whispered, drawing her into his arms. “Matthew was treated like a little beast. Those marks on Matthew… I have the same across my back. Put there by my father. You did not see them when I had my shirt off because I was always careful to face you. They are not only etched in my skin but in my soul.”
“I’m so sorry you had to endure this, Daire.” She placed a hand to his cheek and gently stroked it.
“I adapted to survive. I adapted by remaining numb as I was beaten. I have continued to survive by remaining numb to everything I face as an adult.”
“So you approach everything with logic and detachment?”
“Yes, it helped particularly to get me through the war. This is how I now deal with those in Society. With business affairs regarding the Claymore estate. This is how I deal with cheats and liars, coldly cutting them off at the knees.”
“And you think you can deal with a loved one in this way?”
He drew her closer and rested his forehead against hers. “I don’t know how to deal with a loved one, little dove. I don’t know how to deal with you. You turn my feelings upside down. I cannot think straight around you. I cannot breathe when I am around you.”
“I suffocate you?”
