Page 16 of Overtime Goal
“Of course. What happened wasn’t just sex, at least not for me. I wasn’t trying to hook up with you or push you into something. I actually thought we were on the same page.”
“We were.”
He gave me a long look. “I don’t think so. You thought you were straight then, and you still do.”
“Because I am.” I was too loud again, but the words were already out.
“There you go. It was more than sex for me, but what was it for you? If you’re straight, you didn’t have the same feelings I did, and you’re not thinking about it every day for the same reasons I do. You think about it because it left you confused.”
“Didn’t it confuse you too? If getting it on with your straight friend didn’t mix you up, how did it make you feel?”
“Like maybe—” He cut himself off and chewed the side of a finger before he said, “I thought maybe you liked me in a certain way. Since you didn’t, what were you thinking?”
“That night was hot as hell.”
“It sure was. And full of feelings on my part.” He narrowed his eyes. “What was it about for you, Aidan? Was it only the heat?”
I shuddered, not because he’d asked, but because I didn’t know the answer. “It was… Damn it, Logan. I’ve never looked at a guy like that before. Never even thought about touching a man and letting him touch me. As much as I enjoyed the sex, I’m not going around checking out dudes. I still think women are hot, so I don’t see how I could be gay.”
He couldn’t have looked at me any differently if I’d said grass was purple. “Really? I asked what that night was for you, and your answer is that you can’t be gay because you still think women are hot?”
“I like you so much, and I was trying to show that, like you were. I’ve never had such a good friend, and I might have… Why do you keep asking if I’m gay?”
“Fuck off. I’m not asking if you’re gay. I haven’t even hinted at that, and nothing I’ve ever known about you makes me think you are. But you just said we were showing how much wecared about each other. There are many ways to do that besides having sex. Are you attracted to me, or was that night only an experiment? A walk on the wild side?”
I opened my mouth, then shut it. What the hell was I supposed to say? I wanted him, and he obviously wanted me. The pull between us was magnetic. But if I gave in to my attraction again and we went back to that place, I wasn’t sure we’d survive. I didn’t want to take the risk. I wanted him in my life without feeling our whole relationship was hanging by a thread.
“I’m very attracted to you,” I said, “but I don’t think I canbewith you. Not like that.”
He nodded, keeping his eyes locked on mine.
“I’m still figuring all this out,” I said. “If we mess around again and it goes sideways, I’m afraid I’ll lose you. That would kill me.”
“You won’t lose me.”
“You say that now, but?—”
“I mean it.” His voice had the same firm, no-bullshit tone he used on the ice. “We’re not fragile, Riles. We’re tough. Yes, we had an incredible night that confused both of us, but being physical doesn’t have to be a wrecking ball unless we make it one.”
“But I don’t know what it meant.”
“Yes, you do. You already said we were showing how much we cared about each other. If it ever happened again, we’d be doing the same thing.”
My stomach balled into a tight knot, and my voice wasn’t much more than a whisper. “Do you want it to happen again? Because I’m afraid it might.”
His eyebrows shot up. “Now that we’ve talked and know what it was, we’ll be okay. If it happens again, we’ll still be fine.”
“You wouldn’t think…” I raised my eyebrows and tipped a hand back and forth in the air.
He tilted his head. “What?”
“That there should be more? You’re gay, and?—”
“I promise,ifit ever happens again, I won’t think you’re proposing to me.” He shook his head. “I won’t even think you’re asking me to be your boyfriend.”
That should have made it easier, and maybe it did. Logan was a grown man. He was old enough to have been around the block a few times, and he’d said he wouldn’t take something physical as anything more than it was.
But what else would it be? My brain was going in twelve different directions at once. I liked Logan, and I was sexually attracted to him. Since I’d loved what we did, why shouldn’t I be open to doing it again? Take him at his word and trust him to keep it simple?
