Page 89 of To Ashes and Dust
“You’ve had to suffer things like this alone for so many years.” Her eyes lifted to mine, but she couldn’t hold my gaze.
I froze, straightening in my chair as I tried to understand, and I couldn’t stop the nervous laugh. “What are you... what are you talking about, Kat?”
“I know,” she muttered, her hands clutching the blankets.
I had to force myself to breathe, and an icy chill crawled over my skin. The room spun as I sat in silence, absorbing her words. My stomach flipped so hard, I thought I might vomit.
“I’ve known for a while.” Her throat bobbed. “You didn’t tell me, so I didn’t pry. I hoped you might open up one day, figured you probably had some stupid reason for not telling me. You always get these crazy ideas in your head,” she said, smiling weakly. “Probably thinking you were protecting me or something stupid like that.”
I couldn’t think of what to say, couldn’t look her in the eyes, and the only words I could form spilled from my mouth in a quivering voice. “I’m sorry.”
She knew.God,she knew. All this time. I was such an idiot. Of course she knew. How could I be stupid enough to think I could hide something like that from her, from my best friend? She knew me better than anyone.
“Don’t be sorry, Cas.” She hesitated, but continued. “Your mom called me when they rushed you to the ER, when you had that heart attack last year. She was so afraid we’d lose you that day. I’ve never been so scared in my entire life, but you came back, and I hoped you might tell me. You didn’t, though, and I was afraid you were holding it all in, dealing with it on your own.”
She bit her lip. “I can only imagine what you’ve endured all this time. I just hate that you’ve had to do it alone.” Her eyes fell to her hands in her lap. “I wanted to talk to you about it, wanted to let you know you weren’t alone, that I was here for you, but I was so afraid you’d be upset with me. I didn’t know how to approach you.”
I didn’t know what I should be feeling, saying, or thinking. All I could do was clench my fists as I braced myself against my legs, head hanging as tears dotted my eyes, sobs building in my chest. “I’m so sorry.”
Kat tensed. “Cas.”
“I’m so sorry,” I repeated, the tears rolling down my cheeks as everything I’d been hiding all these years broke free. She’d known all this time, known what I was hiding, known all the lies and twisted truths.
She pushed herself to the edge of the bed and wrapped her arms around me. “Don’t apologize, Cas. I’m here. I know we’ve been distant these last few months, and I feel like the biggest piece of shit for not knowing how to handle talking to you about everything that happened when you were kidnapped. I hate that I got so absorbed in school and work that I left you to deal with everything alone. I don’t want you to suffer alone. I want to be there with you, I want to face it all with you.”
I cried into her shoulder, wrapping my arms around her. An overwhelming rush of relief washed over me. She knew. I didn’t have to lie to her or hide it from her anymore.
We sat like that for a while, crying with each other, and she cupped my face, thumbs brushing the tears from my eyes. She embraced me once more, holding me, allowing me the time I needed.
I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t alone.
Damien.
God, the fact that she knew and Damien didn’t only left me feeling sick to my stomach.
“I need to tell Damien,” I admitted with a shaky voice into her shoulder.
“You haven’t told him?” she asked, pulling away to look at me.
“I feel horrible about it. I never imagined it would get this far, that we’d ever get to where we are now, but now, I don’t know how to tell him. I’ve tried multiple times, but every time I do, something comes up and I lose my nerve.”
She pressed her forehead to mine, taking my hands. “Cas, I’ve seen how he looks at you. I’m sure he won’t hold it against you.”
“I know, I just...”
Her eyes roamed over my face, sorrowful. She knew. She knew I had limited time.
“I wish it wasn’t something I had to tell, that we could just live our lives.”
Tears welled in her eyes. “I wish you didn’t have to, either.”
My eyes dipped low. Her voice was thick and quivering as she held back the tears. “Just know I’m here for you. You’re not alone, not anymore. No matter how bad it gets in the end.”
I couldn’t answer, could only cry as I embraced her; and while I felt horrible that I still hadn’t told Damien, I felt such profound relief to know I was no longer alone, even if only for a short time.
33
CASSIE
