Page 64 of To Ashes and Dust
“Not everyone in our race is mated to their one true match. It’s not rare, just… uncommon. Few are lucky enough to find what you have in their lifetime. Sometimes, they’re born too late or die before they find each other; sometimes, an immortal’s other half resides in the Godsrealm. Many of our kind are lucky enough to fall in love, but they don’t feel that fatedbondwhen your soul meets its other half.”
I didn’t know enough about Thalia to know where she came from, if she was part of the aristocracy. Had he been chosen by her family? Or had she chosen him herself?
“Did she... love him?” The weight in my chest made it difficult to get the words out.
Barrett smiled, warm and pained at the same time. “Yeah, she did. She used to smile so much more. Micah and I were the best of friends, but I couldn’t ignore how much I—” His words halted a moment, guilt flickering across his steel eyes. “Was drawn to Thalia. Everything about her was just wonderful, breathtaking. I suspected she might be my mate, but it made me sick with myself, because she’d already chosen who she wanted to be with.” He didn’t speak for a moment, the weight of his silence crushing. “I don’t think she felt it as I did, and the bond never snapped into place. I never told either of them. She’d already chosen him, and she was so happy. It was enough for me to know she was. I wouldn’t ruin that for them.”
I hesitated but asked, “What happened to him?”
“He was killed on patrol almost forty years ago.” His eyes grew distant. “I was with him when it happened.”
A weight pulled on my chest. I’d never seen this side of Barrett, had never seen such sadness in his eyes. Semele brought a fresh drink over to him, switching the empty glass with a fresh one before offering him a soft smile and leaving to see to her work.
He thanked her before taking the glass. “I was pinned down by a darkling when three more surrounded him. They took him down and by the time I got free.” His voice faded and for a moment I wondered if he’d shared as much as he could bring himself to, but he continued. “He’d taken them out, but not before he’d been bitten. I tried to draw out the venom, to save him. He wouldn’t let me, for fear I’d be infected, begged me to end it as he began to change...”
We sat there a moment in silence, and his hand gripped the glass, I feared it might crack in his grasp. Damien had warned me of how dangerous it was to draw out the darklings’ venom, and while I felt terrible that Thalia had lost her mate, I was relieved Barrett hadn’t been lost.
“I failed her when I let Micah die that night. The look on her face when she’d opened her door to find me instead of him, the look on her face when I had to tell her what happened—” His skin paled, his hand quivering as he clenched his glass. “It still haunts me to this day. I almost wish I’d been the one to fall and he survived.”
Before I could stop myself, I reached out, my hand resting on his forearm and the tremors eased. “You can’t think like that, Barrett.”
“I’ve done everything I could to keep her safe since he fell, kept her off patrols, had her train warriors instead. I couldn’t imagine losing her.” He drew a deep breath. “I feel like I’m betraying him every time I try to get close to her, and I can’t help but feel I don’t deserve her. Because I let him die, because I showed up at her door that night instead of her mate... her chosen.”
“Barrett...” Sorrow twisted in my chest, seeing the depths of my own regrets reflected back at me in his steel eyes. “You didn’t fail her, and you’re not betraying Micah. You said so yourself; to find your true other half, it’s rare, you shouldn’t hold back from something so rare. I’d like to imagine that—” I tried to hold his gaze, and I nearly faltered. “He would want you both to have that kind of happiness.”
I knew Damien would eventually find happiness, hated that he’d have to suffer when I passed, but I would return. I would return in the next life, and we’d have that time together, all the time we never had in this life. If I could help them destroy Melantha, maybe we could enjoy the peace we deserved, all of us.
Barrett gave a half smile, his eyes falling to the amber liquid swirling in his glass. If I could, if it wasn’t a violation, I’d have loved nothing more than to reach into his thoughts as Salwa did, take every ounce of pain and sorrow consuming him and smooth it all away. I’d take it all, bear every bit of it if only to ease his suffering, all their suffering.
“The thing is, Barrett.” His head tilted to me as I continued, his short blond hair catching the neon light. “We don’t know how long we have left to live. We could find a way to defeat Melantha, destroy the darklings once and for all, and live long happy lives together, or the darklings could launch their attack before we’re ready. We could die tomorrow night on patrol.” The world shifted under me as I imagined what I knew awaited me in the near future, fearful of the news I’d receive at my next doctor’s visit. “All we can do now is live our lives to the fullest. I know Thalia has feelings for you, more than you probably realize. She might be feeling the same pull you are. She may feel the bond but think you don’t. Let her decide for herself. You may regret it if you don’t take the chance for you both to find happiness.”
He considered my words for a moment before he took a deep breath. “I missed talking to you like this.”
I frowned. Had we talked like this before?
“Sorry. Lucia. I used to talk to her—er... you when I needed advice. You were always open to talk if I needed it.” He smiled, seeming a bit more optimistic. “Thank you for that.”
Warmth filled my chest. “Always. Just don’t push her away anymore, Barrett. I want you to be happy.”
“Me too, spitfire. Me too.” He swallowed back the remnants of his drink and set the glass down before he rose from his stool. “I guess I’d better go talk to her then.”
The full moon leaked light in through the curtains at the head of our bed. Damien’s level breathing filled my ears as he curled up in my arms in deep slumber. Sleep had evaded me tonight. I didn’t know how late it was, and I wouldn’t dare move or risk disturbing Damien’s rest to check.
I ran my fingers through his dark hair, the silken strands falling over his shoulders as I held him. His arms tightened around my waist, his face pressing into my chest as he made a sweet noise in his sleep, and I smiled. Warmth filled me as I watched him, that strange sensation in the very core of my being pulling me toward him. If I could, I’d lay here for the rest of my life at his side.
The words I’d spoken to Barrett earlier lingered in my mind. Who was I to tell him their time might be limited? God, I was such a hypocrite, and I hated myself for hiding it from everyone. I should tell them. I needed to tell them.
After my doctor’s appointment; I’d do it then, when I had a better idea of what state I was in, how my powers were affecting my body. I needed more time. There was so much to do, and I wasn’t any closer to figuring out how to destroy Melantha or the darklings.
We had to find Cole, find out what he knew. Maybe he would know what connection Eris had to Marcus. I needed answers, needed to find out what I could do to help Damien, to help all of them.Ihad limited time, but that didn’t mean they all did. If only I could find a way to stop Melantha, to destroy the darklings once and for all. Surely there was a way to stop them.
I’d do anything to end Melantha, to ensure the others survived.
To ensure Damien survived, I’d gladly give my life.
24
CASSIE
