Page 183 of To Ashes and Dust
“Thank you so much,Mitera. This is perfect,” I said.
She waved her hand as if it were nothing. “Hev ye bin able tae get anythin’ down today?”
I gave a guilty smile, and Damien answered. “She ate a bit of applesauce earlier.”
“Soonds tae meh like Johnson needs tae get a betteh cook in their kitchen. Ah brought ye a little somethin’ Ah always mek James when he’s sick,” she said, pulling out a little Tupperware with some sort of soup. God, this woman was Mary Poppins the way she could pull all these things out of a bag. “Guid fer weak stomachs.”
I swallowed, eyeing the Tupperware warily as she set it on the rolling table.
“I willny be insulted if ye donnae eat it, but try fer me,” she said.
“I promise to try it,Mitera.”
She smiled down at me, her eyes full of warmth as they roamed over me, and her shoulders sagged a little, as if the cheeriness was fading. She blinked, as if realizing it herself. She quickly headed for the nearby couch where a blanket lay strewn across the cushion in a messy heap. Damien had slept there the last few nights, and I could only imagine how uncomfortable it must be.
“Ah brought ye a couple changes of clothes, Lord Damien, as well as a few other things ye might need,” she said, setting the bag down on the couch. “If ye need more, joos give meh a call an’ Ah’ll bring sum down an’ grab yer dirty clothes tae wash.” She paused momentarily at the couch before turning back to us. “Surely ye willny need too many changes of clothes. It’ll be nice tae have ye both home again. Ah’ll make yer favorite food fer yer first night home.”
My eyes burned. I wanted so badly to go home, to just be there for whatever time I had left, but... Damien squeezed my hand and he offered Ethel a smile. “I’m sure by then, Cas’ appetite will have returned. I know these meds make her nauseous.”
Ethel beamed before looking around briefly, as if to make sure she’d done all she’d intended. “Ah willny keep ye two. I kno’ yer tired, deary. Ye rest up, and Ah’ll stop back by tomorrow.”
“Thank you,Mitera.”
As soon as she dipped out the door, my shoulders sagged, and I nearly fell back on the pillow, the exhaustion too much to fight any longer. Damien’s hand was already at my back, catching me to ease me back into the pillow.
“You didn’t have to push yourself,” Damien said with a forced smirk.
“She came all this way. I didn’t want her to...” My eyes fell from him. I didn’t want her to see just how bad I was, how weak I was.
He remained silent, his eyes trailing over my face.
“How’s Anna doing? Any news on the baby?” I asked, eager to distract myself from the thoughts that lingered and the guilt at giving Ethel false hope.
Damien forced a smile, easing back into his seat. “Getting closer to her due date. She officially went on leave yesterday, so she’s home. Vincent’s been trying to juggle his new position while tending to her, but I told him not to worry too much. Zephyr and I are here to help carry the load until after she delivers, so he can be at her side whenever he’s needed.”
Images of Vincent and Anna together wandered through my thoughts, Vincent holding a beautiful little boy or girl in his arms. God, he’d be such a good dad, and Anna, she’d be the most loving mother. I could see Vincent playing in the snow with the child, making snowmen, Anna bringing out hot cocoa and chastising Vincent for not putting more clothes on the child.
“I wish I could’ve met their baby.” I stiffened the moment the words left my lips, and I glanced at Damien, fearful he’d heard them. He had, pain clearly etched into the lines of his face as he watched me. The words had slipped out before I’d realized. I hadn’t meant to say them. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—”
“You will, Cas. I haven’t given up on finding a way to save you.” He drew a deep breath. “There must be a way, and I won’t rest until I find it. As soon as Johnson gets you stable enough, we’ll get you settled back in at home, and I’ll continue looking.”
I smiled at him, reaching up to cup his face. It warmed my heart that he refused to give up on me, and yet it shattered it. He leaned into my hand, his own rising to hold it to him, the subtle hum of magic dancing beneath his skin in response to my touch. It was still taking a lot to adjust to the mating bond between us. He turned his face to press a kiss into my palm.
“It’s okay,” I whispered, my eyes burning, and the sorrow crept in. There wasn’t enough time, nowhere near enough.
“This is enough,” I lied, and I tugged on him, trying to blink away tears threatening to fall. He lowered himself down to me, his forehead resting against mine, and I breathed in his scent, the aroma of cedarwood and leather so calming that it eased the growing fear. “It’s enough that I got to spend this time with you. I wish we had more time, wish we had all the time in the world, but...” My eyes fell from his, to the place where our fingers were intertwined. “My life was never meant to last, and that I was able to meet you, if only for this brief time...” I lifted my eyes back to his, my lips quivering as I spoke. “It’s more than I could’ve ever asked for.”
His eyes flitted between mine, grief flickering across them, and his hand lifted to cup my cheek. There was a low hum where our skin touched, as if my very being sang out to his. It made me wish I could trap us in this moment, that I could just linger here with him forever, frozen in time. I drew a deep breath, the expansion too painful, and I winced as my heart fluttered unevenly. It was happening more often, the pain in my chest radiating more powerfully each day despite the medications. He lifted his head enough to settle back into his chair, his thumb passing in gentle strokes along my skin.
“I almost ended my own life...” His face remained neutral as he listened intently to every word. I knew he’d seen the thin scars on my wrists, but whether he’d put all the pieces together, he didn’t let it show. “I’d struggled for so long, wondering why I kept holding on, why I kept going. I now know it was because of you, because part of me knew you were out there somewhere, looking for me, and you found me. You showed me what I’ve been missing out on, how wonderful life can be.”
Tears welled in my eyes, the pain building in my chest until I almost couldn’t stand it. “If I could do it all again, but the cost to not have suffered this condition meant I’d never have met you, I wouldn’t change a thing.”
He drew a deep breath, the pain in his eyes too much to bear.
“I just...” The pressure built in the back of my throat, the tears blurring my vision. “I hate that you have to suffer, that my happiness is costing you so much.”
“Your happiness is not a cost,mea luna,” he said. “It’s my reward, and there is nothing I wouldn’t do to see that beautiful smile light up your face.”
