Page 108 of The Second Kiss
Kendra takes one of my arms and Eric tries to take the other, but I pull away—instincts taking over.
“Jess,” Kendra says, “This is my friend Eric. I’ve known him since last year. He’s okay. I promise.”
“No. I can make it outside myself." I stand up and stumble to the door.
I sit on the steps outside, lean my head against the cool concrete post, and fight the nausea that threatens to embarrass me further.
Kendra sits down beside me and pulls my head against her chest. “I’m sorry. I should have known that a party would be too much for you.”
“It’s not your fault.” Now I’m freezing—my whole body is shaking. I keep rubbing my arms. Eric comes out and hands Kendra a jacket. She drapes it over my shoulders.
“Thanks.” I manage through chattering teeth. I look up at Eric. “I’m sorry. I’m just crazy, okay.”
“Thanks, Eric,” Kendra says.
“No problem,” he turns around and heads back to the party.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened. Crowds freak me out. It’s like I can’t trust anybody anymore.”
“It’ll take time, but eventually you’ll learn to trust people again, even guys.” Kendra puts her hand over mine and I realize that I’m rubbing my fingers together, even without the locket. “But first you need to trust yourself.”
I look down at my empty hands and picture the locket lying there. I think about the year I spent chasing Jacob, getting so close, but never quite closing the distance between us. A distance that is only going to get bigger. Insurmountable even. Seven-thousand miles and a war away. He leaves in two days.
I might never see him again.
I lean against the post and close my eyes. “He kissed me.”
“Who kissed you, Eric?” Kendra says.
“Jacob. In the barn. A long time ago.” I'm not sure I mean to say it out loud, but it feels good to have it out there. Like if someone else knows then it really happened.
Kendra looks me in the eye. “How long ago?”
“Years.” I look away from her and across the street. A couple kisses under a streetlamp. I turn away. “Just before they moved to South Carolina.” I take a breath. “I was twelve. He was fifteen.”
Kendra is still watching me. “Was that all that happened?”
I look up at her, startled. “Yeah, just a kiss. But it meant everything to me.”
Kendra puts her hand over mine. “You’re still in love with him.”
I nod.
“You need to tell him.”
I squeeze my eyes closed. “What difference does it make now?”
“It makes a difference to you. And I bet it makes a difference to him. You can’t let him go to Iraq without telling him.”
“What if he doesn’t feel the same way? What if he laughs and says he could never feel the way I do? What if I'm nothing but a little kid, a little sister to him?”
“Then you’ll know and you can move on. But I don’t think he’s that stupid.”
“I can't—”
“You can,” Kendra says firmly. “You can and you will. You’re tougher than you think you are. You'll make it through this.” She puts her arm around my shoulders. "But maybe you aren't meant to go through it alone."
fifty-five
