Page 50 of Liar & Champion
“Your last months should be as comfortable as possible. If your medication needs adjustments, which it will, I’ll take care of it then. No arguments. Give me your address so I can send your things.”
“I love you.”
“Of course you do. I’m the only thing that keeps you out of the orphanage. Watch your hydration, and don’t overextend yourself with this stallion of yours. Death-Hammer.” She tsked.
I smiled while my heart panged. There would be no hayrides for this virgin. “Don’t worry, Aunt Willie. He does all the work.”
She laughed, got my address, and then hung up. She had things to do, like get my package together and save the world.
After that, I had to send a message to Beastie.
I’m dead! <3 X O
That was clear enough to identify me and my new phone number as a liar who was dying but not dead. I snuggled deeper into the blankets ready to doze off when my phone buzzed. Was it Nix?
I frowned at the picture of my bestie Beastie I’d taken while we were drifting around the Caribbean some weekend with his rich worthless friends last summer. He was calling me? Last summer had been so much fun. He knew I was sick, but I was only seriously dying since that summer, when I finished my last possible treatment and let go of all hope. It was a hard summer,but better because Beastie made it fun, full of extreme sports and good food, the only irritation the way he kept trying to set me up with all of his friends, like my imperfect breasts were good enough for them but not him. So annoying.
It took me a second’s fumbling to answer. “Hello?”
“You’re right, you’re so dead. I talked to Christina and she told me that you were shot before you disappeared. You know what I have? Your bloody button. Do you know how worried I was? You gave me ulcers, at least ten, and who am I going to charge for the medicine? You. What’s your address?”
I sighed heavily. “I wasn’t shot, that was the guy I was with.”
“The guy? What happened to him? Is he dead somewhere in a ditch? People might care.”
I laughed and snuggled into my pillow. “You’re so silly, Beastie. We went fishing while his arm healed. And then we got married.”
There was silence for a long moment. “Congratulations.” He sounded official, austere, how he talked to strangers who weren’t me.
“Thanks. It was a lot of hard work, but you know me, always going that extra mile. Enough about me. How are things with you? How’s Stina of the perfect breasts?”
“Annoying. You, because you didn’t even invite me. Give me a recap. Make it particularly outrageous.”
“How can I make it more outrageous than it was? I seduced him by letting him teach me how to fish, and he seduced me by letting me teach him how to carve wood.”
“He’s okay not having sex with you?”
“Well that was rude to ask something so vulgar and completely personal.”
“Eventually, he’s going to rape you, and then I’ll have to kill him. I’ll go to jail because it’ll serve you right to die alone afteryou didn’t even invite me to your wedding. I would have brought you a really great present.”
I wrinkled my nose, but I was still smiling. “He’s actually, well, he’s in home health care. Seriously, he’s really, really gentle. He hasn’t given me a single bruise, and we actually did, um, you know, get all hot and heavy on our wedding night, and I was only slightly sore the next day, but not because I’m me, but just because I’m normal. Have I ever been sore from being normal before? What is more outrageous than that?”
“Perfect.” He sounded weirdly intense and sincere about it.
“Oh. I guess you weren’t excited about killing him after all.”
“No. He married you. He took a bullet for you. He’s aware of your needs on a subliminal level. He’s perfect for you.”
My heart pinged a little, because he was so not jealous. Maybe it was my pride that was hurt. “Well, okay then. Too bad I’m not a prettier package for someone that perfect.”
He laughed, and it was the nicest sound. I hadn’t heard him laugh like that in way too long. “I’m just relieved that you’re in such a good situation after I was so worried about you. Seriously, Sunny, you’re dead if you do that to me again. How would you feel if our positions were reversed?”
“You’d deserve whatever you get because you always pick fights with the wrong people.”
“You wouldn’t worry about me?” He sounded almost vulnerable. Weird.
“Fine. It was evil of me not to let you know right away, but I didn’t know you knew anything and were worried. You haven’t been around, like you have your own life to live or something ridiculous like that.”
