Page 1 of All Your Lies
one
Alexa
Startled by the pulsing lights from the white car behind me, I swiftly change lanes to grant them passage. One of my biggest pet peeves is inconsiderate drivers who believe they have exclusive rights to the road or, even worse, individuals who neglect to use their blinkers. I wait for them to get beside me just so I can see their stupid, impatient face, but they get into the right lane behind me again.
My spine shivers with an icy sensation, yet I resist the temptation to jump to conclusions of kidnapping, assault, or assassination.
Perhaps it’s a generous soul trying to inform me about a flat tire or a malfunctioning blinker. But wouldn’t my car notify me if something was wrong? I could kick myself for not paying closer attention when Dad explained the ins and outs of basic car maintenance.
With each turn I take, my stomach churns with unease as I watch the car behind mirror my path and maintain a steady speed behind me. I speed up; they speed up. I turn; they turn.
Desperate to end this gut-wrenching feeling, I make a hard right and slingshot my car between two office buildings. The echo of my engine reverberates off the walls, signaling my location, but I don’t dare turn my car off in case I have to make a speedy getaway.
Just as my tires screech to a halt, I anxiously reach for the handle of the center console. As I rip the small compartment door open, I can hear the clatter of objects inside before my fingertips finally graze the metal of my gun. It would be faster to use my eyes, but I can’t risk averting my gaze from my rearview mirror.
Just as I feel the cold metal of the barrel in my palm, the car that’s been tailing me comes to a sudden stop behind me.
I can’t believe this is happening to me again.
With tremors in my right hand, I fight to keep my gun steady. The click of the safety rings through my ears as I clumsily disengage it, sending a rush of adrenaline through my veins. I conceal the gun at my right side just as someone comes to my window and knocks twice.
My heart pounds in my ears, drowning out all other sounds as I gaze over at... Brad?
With a loud clank, my gun slips free from my hand and lands on the floorboard as I roll down my car window.
“Are you okay?” he asks with a furrowed brow as he leans his head closer to my open window.
“Why are you following me?”
“You left your coat at work. I thought you might need it.”
He raises his arm in my line of sight so I can see my black coat I always keep in the office for chilly days draped over his forearm.
I feel foolish.
“Right, sorry.” I grab my jacket from him and pull it through my window. “Thanks.”
“Of course. Are you sure you’re okay? You look scared.”
“I’m fine,” I say, forcing a smile.Never show vulnerability, Alexandria.My dad’s words echo through my mind. “I’ll see you Monday. Have a good weekend.”
Before he can utter another word, I roll my window up. From here on out, he’ll probably think I’m crazy. I guess that’s a win. Now he won’t ask me to go out with him and our coworkers.
He stares at me for a beat longer before heading back to his car. As he slowly drives by, I can sense him gazing over at me, but I keep my eyes trained on my steering wheel and my trembling hands in my lap.
The heightened sense of adrenaline no longer runs through my veins. Instead, crippling anxiety and tension consume me.
I grab the rib-knit hem of my long-sleeved black cashmere sweater and rip it over my head while praying the feeling of suffocation fades. Each breath I take is a chaotic dance of uneven, choppy inhales and exhales as if I’m being strangled.
Dr. Schults’s instructions echo in my mind at moments like this, guiding me through my impending panic. My head whips around, scanning the surroundings as I double-check that I’m alone and my doors are locked. I lower my head onto the black leather steering wheel before shutting my eyes as I take deliberate, deep breaths. In the depths of my mind, a calming aqua-blue orb emits a soft, gentle glow, casting a serene ambiance throughout the dark room of my mind. As the orb projects its light, the black walls come alive with a dazzling, vivid display of swirling colors and ever-changing shapes.
As I unwind, I feel the tension in my jaw release, followed by a soothing sensation in my neck, shoulders, and eventually, my whole body. Three-second inhale, three-second exhale. Three-second inhale, three-second exhale.
You are safe. You are alive. You are strong.
The last one always leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.
Even after thirty minutes of visualization and diaphragmatic breathing, it still can’t keep me from the truth of my inadequacies.
