‘Sometimes it worries me how closed-minded you are.’ Karen shook her head, and Eden was tempted to tell her that it worried her constantly just how much utter nonsense her mother allowed into her mind, but she didn’t want another row. Karen wasn’t harming anyone, and this was just part of the addictive behaviour she’d spiralled through over the years. If she had to have an addiction to something, this was almost certainly the lesser of a wide range of potential evils.
‘But wouldn’t it be boring if we were all the same.’ As she spoke, Eden walked over to where her mother was sitting and slid an arm around her shoulders, squeezing her tightly for a moment, just like Teddie did. ‘Even if I do think some of your ideas are – how shall I put it? – let’s just sayinteresting, I still really love you.’
‘I love you too.’ Karen looked across to where Teddie was playing with a bowl of plastic food clips, opening and closing them repeatedly. ‘And I love that little boy with all my heart.’
In the first couple of years of his life, before his diagnosis, he’d been bought all kinds of toys. Eden’s parents hadn’t got to see him as much as she knew they would have liked, partly because of the distance, but mostly because of Jesse. He’d made such a fuss about Eden going home to visit, and she hadn’t wanted her parents to see how bad things were if they’d come to stay with her. It had meant the gifts that Karen and Dave bought Teddie were all the more lavish, but he’d never played with any of them. He didn’t do any kind of creative play, that involved imagination or make believe, he preferred what the paediatrician had described as exploration. He’d take tubs of Play-Doh out of the slots in the box they came in, and spend what felt like hours putting them back in those same slots, before repeating the process. He wasn’t interested in the Play-Doh itself. Since Eden and Teddie had been home, Karen had launched herself into finding ideas that might engage her grandson. It was a good use of her research skills and it almost made up for all her crackpot theories. Teddie’s favourite way to pass the time right now was with one of Karen’s creations: a series of empty cardboard toilet rolls, taped to the end of the row of kitchen cabinets, through which he could post small objects. It was repetitive and predictable, and it gave Teddie an undeniable sense of contentment.
‘He loves you too.’ Eden stepped back from her mother’s chair. ‘He might not be able to say it, but you know it’s true, otherwise you wouldn’t be in the very small group of people he wants to hug.’
‘And those hugs are officially the best thing in the world. I swear there’s nothing they can’t fix.’ Karen put her hand over her heart for a moment, and then looked up at Eden. ‘Where are you two off to today? Out with Drew again?’
‘Yes, we’re taking Teddie to the park before the weather finally realises it’s supposed to be autumn and then we’re going back to Drew’s place for lunch.’
‘Oooh very nice.’ There was a twinkle in Karen’s eyes, but she knew better than to ask Eden if there was any romance on the cards. They’d never really had the kind of relationship where they discussed things like they were friends. The years of Karen’s addiction had robbed them of the easy closeness they might have had otherwise, and she probably knew that Eden would just have dismissed the idea anyway. She’d been telling herself ever since she left Jesse that she didn’t have time for romance, and that she didn’t want it; except, even as the thought came into her head, she realised that wasn’t true. The kiss she’d shared with Drew by the beach, under a blanket of stars, had probably been the most romantic moment of her life. She couldn’t let her thoughts linger on that for too long, though. If she did, she’d undoubtedly want more from him than Drew might be willing to give. She’d had enough disappointment in her life, and there was no way she was setting herself up for more.
‘I’m not sure how nice lunch will be. Drew knows about Teddie’s very selective palate, so no doubt we’ll have a delightful beige banquet to look forward to.’ Eden exchanged a look with her mother and they both laughed. The beige banquet was a term they’d come up with after Teddie’s fourth birthday, when Eden had prepared all his favourite foods and every single one of them had been beige. Chicken nuggets, garlic bread, pizza and chips, not a single bit of greenery in sight.
‘Just enjoy yourself, darling. You deserve it and remember that not everything you do has to be about Teddie. You are allowed to have a life for yourself too.’ Karen stood up and planted a kiss on Eden’s cheek.
‘Thanks, Mum.’ She knew her mother meant well, but she couldn’t agree with what she’d just said. In her world everything was about Teddie, and one of the best things about Drew was that he understood that. It was also one of the reasons why it would be so easy to fall for him, but she couldn’t risk putting her heart on the line. She’d thought about it a lot since the party, and as much as she wanted to go on another date with Drew, she didn’t think it was a good idea. She could end up losing Drew’s friendship and getting her heart broken in the process, which was just too much of a risk. It was far safer to make their interactions all about Teddie, and that’s what she intended to do from now on.
* * *
The trip to the park was a huge success. Teddie had squealed with laughter when he and Eden had gone on the rope-nest swing together, and Drew had pushed them higher and higher, until Teddie had begun clinging to her like a koala, communicating in his own way that they’d now gone a little bit too high. Afterwards they’d put a picnic blanket on the ground, and Teddie had run his hands over the grass, enjoying the sensation of pulling clumps of it up and throwing them on the ground again. That was when Eden had found herself making another confession to Drew, as they watched a little girl riding a tiny pink bike with stabilisers.
‘I need a bike like that.’
‘I don’t think even a fully trained clown could ride a bike that small.’ Drew had furrowed his brow and she’d smiled in response.
‘Afullytrained clown? That sounds like one hell of a commitment to make to the vocation.’ They’d both laughed then, and she’d thought about how nice it was just to be sitting there with him, talking nonsense and teasing each other. But she wanted to open up to him too, and for him to know more about why she wanted Teddie’s childhood to be so different to her own. ‘The real reason I need a bike like that is because I can’t ride one, not without stabilisers. I never learnt.’
‘Why not?’ His tone had been gentle, and Eden suspected it was because he already knew the answer.
‘Because Mum and Dad were a bit too wrapped up in her problems to make time for stuff like that. My brother managed to teach himself, but it involved borrowing a friend’s bike and more cuts and bruises than we get in A&E on some Saturday nights. So when he offered to teach me too, I decided against it. I know it’s silly, but teaching Teddie to ride a bike was one of the things I was looking forward to doing. I wanted to watch him learn to do something I’ve never been able to do. Except now I’m not sure he’ll ever have the coordination or motivation to manage it.’
‘You’ll find a way and so will he. It might not look exactly the same way everyone else does it, but maybe a trike would work for him eventually. Or maybe Teddie will just decide to become the coolest kid in Port Kara and get a segway. Whatever he wants you’ll make it happen.’
Drew had sounded so certain, and suddenly it had been far easier for Eden to believe it was true. He made her feel like she was a better mother than she’d ever given herself credit for, because of his ability to make her see herself through his eyes. It was something she was coming to value more than she’d ever have thought possible.
When Teddie had decided he’d pulled up enough clumps of grass they’d gone back into the playground. He’d been fascinated by the puzzle toy where he could push discs along rows and thread them up and down a series of zigzagging metal rods. The only slightly awkward moment had occurred when a very overweight lady and her daughter had walked past them, while Teddie had been in the midst of making his latest favourite repetitive sound, which unfortunately sounded a lot like he was saying the word ‘fat’, over and over again.
‘I still don’t know whether I should have explained, or if that might have made things worse.’ Eden bit her lip as she stood in the sunny kitchen of Drew’s house, half an hour after they’d left the park. His cottage had a modern glass extension on the back, which made it feel almost as if the kitchen was part of the garden. The sensation was heightened by the fact that Drew had lots of house plants, almost like he was trying to create his own mini Eden Project, just twenty miles from the real thing.
‘Maybe she didn’t hear him.’ Drew’s voice was muffled as he reached into the kitchen cabinets to get out some plates.
‘Sadly I think she did; her face went scarlet and I hate the thought she might have been upset.’
‘If there’d been other children there, they might have said it for real. They’re brutally honest and I still remember my father flying into a rage when my younger cousin came for a visit and asked him if the reason he didn’t have any hair on his head was because it was growing out of his nose instead.’ Drew laughed as he set the plates down on the kitchen worktop, his warm brown eyes crinkling in the corners in a way that made it very hard for Eden to remember she was only here for Teddie’s sake. ‘He’s such a vain man and it really hit him where it hurt. It made Mum and I laugh for ages afterwards. Whenever he started another affair, she’d make the same comment about him making an extra effort to keep his stray hairs under control for his latest girlfriend. God knows what she saw in him, or any of the other women for that matter.’
‘You’re clearly nothing like your dad.’ Dangerous feelings were welling up inside Eden again. She didn’t want her feelings for Drew to deepen any more than they already had, but she seemed powerless to stop them. She loved it when he opened up to her like this. He’d gone from a buttoned-up, very measured person, who’d communicated with the fewest words possible, to someone she could have long, meaningful conversations with. He also had a knack of sharing snapshots of his life with her in a way that made it feel as if she knew him better, and liked him more and more, every time they met. But she couldn’t afford to let him get under her skin if she was going to stick with her plan of keeping this all about Teddie, so she had to try her hardest to keep things light. ‘At least you’re nothing like him in the nose hair department, thank goodness.’
‘Well, that’s a relief.’ Drew laughed again and, despite all her good intentions, Eden’s eyes were drawn to his mouth, remembering what it felt like to kiss him. She’d considered telling him it couldn’t happen again, because she valued their friendship far too much to risk losing it. But he hadn’t brought up the topic of them going on another date again, so the kiss might not have meant nearly as much to him as it had to her. She suspected he’d only asked her out for a second time because it was what was expected of him. If she mentioned the kiss, she could end up making things far more awkward than they’d be if they just pretended it had never happened.
‘I can’t believe how well Teddie and Marmalade are getting along.’ Eden turned to look at where Teddie was sitting on the floor, playing with the bubble tubes that Drew had bought for him, drops of coloured liquid flowing from one end to the other, like a lava lamp, when he turned them over. Drew’s cat, Marmalade, was stretched out on the floor next to Teddie, basking in the sunlight streaming through the windows, and every so often Teddie would reach out and rub a hand against his fur. Eden had been worried that the cat would react as cats often did to unwanted affection and sink his claws into Teddie’s hand, but Marmalade just lay there, purring softly, and soaking up whatever attention Teddie wanted to direct his way.
‘I think they’re kindred spirits.’ Drew looked across at Teddie and Marmalade. ‘Cats are the perfect pets for people with autism; they’re not as needy as dogs, and they’re happy to exist in their own little bubble for a lot of the time, as long as they get their basic needs met, although they can be really affectionate. Marmalade does sometimes bring me the most disgusting gifts, though. This morning it was a disembowelled mouse.’
Eden wrinkled her nose at the thought. ‘It’s a good job you’re not squeamish.’
