Page 81 of The Heartbreak Hotel
She lets out a breath that condenses in the space between us. “When could I have, though?”
I feel my head rear back and will myself to keep it together. “Literally anytime? In all the years I’ve lived here?”
“In all the years you’ve lived here, Henry was hardly in the picture.” She lifts her eyebrows. “It wasn’t until this fall, with the rentals, that he started coming around. It was a nonissue.”
“But we were friends,” I insist.Weren’t we?“It wasn’t a nonissue. He was part of your life.”
Joss studies me, speaking slowly. “Henry will always be a part of my past. But it’s been a long time since we’ve been involved with each other in any meaningful way.”
It sounds so similar to what Henry told me that I can’t help but wonder if they talked about this. “What about this fall?” I press. “When you told us all about your heartbreak, and how losing him even impacted your family?”
“I wasn’t talking about Henry,” Joss says. She looks surprised, like this hadn’t even occurred to her. “I was talking about Molly.”
I swallow. Feel her words as heat in my cheeks.Of course.
“But you own the house together?” I force out.
Joss shakes her head. “The house is Henry’s. It’s been in his family forever—I just manage the garden, for Molly.” When I don’t respond, she keeps talking. “Henry told me he was inviting you to Thanksgiving.” This hits like whiplash, the memory of her in my kitchen just a few days ago, asking if I had a nice holiday. She knew, even then. “Not that I need to be informed, and certainly not that I need to give permission. I didn’t know,before then, that you were involved.” I look up at her, and she tucks her hands into her jacket pockets. “And even if I had, how should I have told you? ‘By the way, I was married to your new boyfriend’?”
“Henry’s not—”
“It already felt too late,” Joss says. “Like by then, it was up to Henry to tell you, when he was ready.”
I shake my head. He could tell Joss aboutme, but not the other way around? “I don’t know if he would’ve ever been ready.”
“He’s a good person, Lou. So are you.” Joss gestures to herself. “Don’t hold this against him.”
I don’t know what to say to this. Of course Henry’s a good person. It gives me a stomachache, to think about how magnetic he is—about all the ways I want to be close to him.
“What were you fighting about?” I hear myself say. “I saw you in the garden, fighting. Twice.”
Joss’s eyebrows flicker up. “Oh,” she says. When her eyes cast across the garden, landing on the new tree, I turn to look at it, too. She clears her throat. “After Molly died, we talked about planting a pine tree for her. But then we were going through a divorce, and then you and Nate moved in, and it kind of just—” She glances back at me. “Well, we stopped talking about it. But I’ve seen a lot more of Henry this fall than I have in a long time, with him at the house. And I wanted to finally do it, and he didn’t think it was the right time, and it just—” She waves her hand in the air, trailing off.
“It just?” I prompt.
Joss looks at me. “He didn’t want to talk about it. He doesn’t want to talk about her.”
You don’t say, I think.
“So I bought a tree anyway, and didn’t consult him on it, and then he was mad about that.”
“That’s stupid,” I say, and Joss snorts a laugh.
“I was taking your advice.” Her smile softens into a line, her lips tucking in between her teeth. Like she’s nervous to tell me this, like she doesn’t want me to be angry. “Putting my oxygen mask on. Doing what I needed to, to heal.”
I think of what she said, back in my living room this fall.Everyone has feelings, and you sort of have to navigate them.Of Henry, his lips at my throat on his own living room floor. That tattoo tracing a line over his chest.
“He won’t talk to me about her.”
Joss nods. When she looks down at her boots, I nearly apologize—I shouldn’t be talking about this with her. But then she says, “I’m glad that he told you about Molly at all. He has a tough time about her.”
A cluster of pine needles floats through the air, landing on Joss’s sleeve. “I’m sure you do, too,” I say, and she looks up at me.
She shrugs, one-shouldered. “Of course.” For a moment, we regard each other in silence. I don’t know what to do now, what could make this better. I have the sharp, sinking feeling that the answer is nothing. Joss reaches forward and touches my arm—when I look down, I realize I still have Henry’s jacket on, and feel like the world’s biggest asshole.
“Look, Lou,” she says. “I’m not going to tell you not to be mad at him. I know you’ve been through a lot, and he has, too. But for what it’s worth—” She draws a deep breath, her hand falling from my arm. “Henry and I went through the worst possible thing together. We weren’t right for each other, in the end, but I’m always going to be glad it was him, in that with me.” Acloud moves overhead, sending sunlight straight into her eyes. “He’s who you want, when everything goes to shit. He makes mistakes.” She shrugs. “But he’s who you want.”
I’m walking Joss to her truck a few minutes later when Mei’s car pulls into the driveway. When she sees me she throws her hands up in the air, like I’ve completely exasperated her.
