Page 9 of My Boyfriends Are All Monsters
Rolling his eyes, Dr. Crane rose and strode over to the door before putting a hand on Noah’s face and shoving him out into the hall. The larger man fell over with a laugh. Before shutting the door behind him, Crane cast a glance back at me and said, “Don’t take too long.”
When he left, I tossed off my sweaty hiking clothes, hopped into the shower for a quick cleanse, and pulled out a simple yet clean T-shirt and jeans from my pack and dressed. My phone buzzed, and I saw a message from Jess asking for an update.
Jess:Report. Has the cult leader sacrificed you?
After shimmying the jeans over my hips, I sent a quick reply.
Lucy:Still alive. Everyone’s really nice except this weird fisherman that crawled out of the woods. The hot farmer guy brought me food, the hot doctor and I almost kissed, and I mayhave been gifted a B&B and/or hobby farm to run? Idk. Small town folks are weird. And horny, apparently.
Kira:What in the Stardew Valley?
Jess:I’m sorry, can we just go back to the weird fisherman that crawled out of the woods?
Kira:It’s Lucy, her life takes her on winding roads. Let’s focus on what’s important. Tell us about the almost kiss.
Scarlett:Yes agreed, we are here for hot doctor times. Tell me you’re gonna go for it.
Lucy:I want to, but I should probably call Mark first and officially break up right? Doesn’t seem right to just send a text.
Jess:. . .
Scarlett:Jess, get her.Get. Her.
The phone rang and I picked it up.
Jess’s voice bellowed so loud on the other end I had to hold it away from my ear. “He left you on the side of the mountain!”
“So skip the decorum and just shoot a text? That’s not tacky? Maybe I’m rushing things, and he and what’s-her-face really are just friends. He might deserve another chance if that’s the case.”
“Ese pinche cabrón te dejó perdida y ¿para qué? ¿Para qué todavía quieras quedarte con él? No mames, con tus pendejadas.”
“I feel in my heart there was an insult for me in there somewhere.”
“Good!” she barked. “Here, let this drive that feeling home.¡Niños, canten!”
I could hear her sons singing the chorus to “You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morissette in every key but the right one.
“Has this man even checked in on youoncesince he left you stranded to set up tents with thatfriend?” Jess asked over the singing. “You’ve been in that town for hours now!”
“I—”
“Of course he hasn’t,” she snapped. “¡Niños, canten más fuerte!”
The children sang louder.
“Okay, damn, I get it. Don’t bring Alanis into this.”
“I will bring Alanis into this!” she hissed. “Alanis had the right idea on how to act in a damn breakup. If there was ever a time to throw caution to the wind and make messy breakup decisions, it’s now. Lucy, as your friend and as a mother of two who lives vicariously through you, we need this. Fuck the doctor and text the idiot you’re done. Now.”
“Yes, ma’am.” I put the phone on speaker and pulled up Mark’s number. My thumb hovered over the “Call” button. I shook the insecurity from my thoughts and typed out a quickwe’re doneand hit “Send” before I could second-guess myself further. “Mission complete.”
“You bring honor to the family.”
“Dramatic ass,” I snorted. Laughter drew me to the window. Clusters of townsfolk meandered through the streets. “That’s odd.”
“What?” Jess asked.
“The streets were empty before I hopped in the shower. Now the sweets shop across the street has a line going out the door. Everyone outside is either a tall, heartbreakingly handsome man with incredible hair, an old woman in a hand-knitted shawl, or a golden retriever.”
