His eyes closed on an inhale, savoring the air like it was the last breath he’d ever take. “Fear,” he purred. “Such fair perfume. Now that I have your attention,” he said, sweeping into a bow. “I am the scrape of branches at the window when your guilt begins to fester, the warning mother’s whisper to mischievous children and the dark shadow of Old St. Nick.” With a lift of his head he said, “You may call me Krampus and you, dear Daphne, are on my naughty list.”
All I could say was, “Oh.” My hands clapped together as I rocked back on my feet. Plan, what’s the plan? Remember our motto, gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss! “Look, Kramps. Can I call you Kramps?”
“I’d rather you didn’t.”
“You’re right,” I said, waving a hand. “That was…that was terrible. Anyway, there must be some kind of mistake with your list, you see. I have committed no crimes. And on the off chance I did, which I didn’t, there’s not a damn chance it was anything bad enough to warrant the dark shadow of Old St. Nick to pay me a visit.”
I shuffled around the coffee table, slowly backing my way out of the living room. Each click of his hooves was another icicle lodged in my chest. My foot stepped on the loose floorboard that I’d never been able to convince my Nana to fix. Its squeak slightly dimmed by the cushion of shrimp I’d stashed underneath. And despite the fact that some supernatural hellbeast was looming over me, despite the fact that IknewI was being fucking crazy, I still raised my knee high and stomped again and again on that board to make damn sure the harbingers of my malice didn’t notice the change in sound before the scent of their new love nest started torot.
“Why don’t we review the charges then?” he asked, ignoring my stomping fit.
“By all means.”
He pulled back his coat and retrieved a scroll. “Daphne Cordova, the charges against you are as follows: stealing your sister’s cat,”
“She’s my cat.”
He fixed me with a look and I shut my mouth. “You are also accused of keying your ex-fiancé ’s car,”
“Allegedly,” I snapped. “Those charges were dismissed.”
“Which brings me to your next charge: obstruction of justice.”
I shrugged. “I’ve no idea what you mean.”
Green eyes peered at me from above his scroll. “You slept with the judge in order to have the case dismissed.”
“No, I slept with the judge because he looked like Winston Duke. Last time I checked, sexiness wasn’t a crime.”
“It is when it hampers the judicial system.”
“Well, Louis slept with my sister!”
“Did it cause a judge to throw out a case? No? Moving on. Next, we have vandalism and, of course, breaking and entering.” He looked pointedly at the doorknob on the floor. Then he reached for the wicker basket on his back and pulled out a gnarled birch branch.
“Whoa, whoa, wait a minute,” I said, throwing my arms up. “All of that must be some kind of misunderstanding. There’s no need to do…whatever it is you wanna do with that thing.”
“Is that right?” His slow advance mirrored my stumbling retreat.
“Yes! There’s a lot of extenuating circumstances you don’t know about.”
“Excuses will get you nowhere, Dear One.”
“Notexcuses, extenuating circumstances. If you could just give me a moment to explain.” Wilted mint leaves brushed against my shoulder as I backed into the kitchen. I bit my cheek to avoid taking my eyes off the beast to check the state of Nana’s herb garden. The one She Who Shall Not Be Named swore up and down she knew how to take care of, just to fuck me over from receiving anything in the house.
Yet my eyes drifted to sickly yellow leaves and my heart squeezed around memories of morning tea and gossip. “Fuck, hold on.” The water can was in my hand before I even gave him a chance to respond. He watched in stunned silence as I quickly watered the wilting plants and dropped a few squirts of plant food into the fussy mint.
“Alright,” I began, placing the water can back on the shelf. “As I said, I did not steal my sister’s cat. Freeloader was my Nana’s cat and she was left to me when Nana passed. This whole house and everything in it was, to be exact. So, as you can see, there’s no way I could be guilty of breaking and entering. Or any of those other charges, really.”
“Your Nana may have meant to leave you these possessions at some point, but it seems her will was changed just before she passed-”
“Because that bitch cornered her when she was blissed out on painkillers!” I shouted, unable to keep my anger in check. “I refused to follow the order of a judge that didn’t give a damn that the will was changed while Nana couldn’t even remember who was who. You want to punish someone truly evil, go after my twin!”
“Really?” the beast asked. “You’re pulling the evil twin card?”
“Because Charlotte is evil! She’s been the golden child all her life. It killed her to think I was getting married before her and getting Nana’s house. Although I was the one living here and taking care of her. Charlotte never lifted a finger or drove her to a single appointment. Yet I’m supposed to believe Nana signed everything over to her at the last minute? Fuck no! I don’t even care that she ruined my engagement. She can have Louis. That sniveling backstabber isn’t worth the tears, but this is MY house. Shouldn’t you know all of this? I mean, you somehow knew I was breaking in here, right?”
Krampus paused, then lowered his branch. He retrieved a phone from his pocket and held up a finger for me to wait. For some reason, the sight of the completely normal device in this monster man’s hand threw me for a loop. I guess there was no rule about mythical creatures not being able to use technology, but still. Did Santa have a phone? I wanted to know his data plan.
