Page 65 of That Time I Got Drunk and Saved a Human
Wasting no time, I snatched up the book and approached the cage housing Rebekah. The ball of fluff lay in the center of the cage with her feet tucked neatly beneath her, resembling a loaf of bread. Runes were scratched into the metal bars, each of them pulsing with a pale green light. From what the dragoness had mentioned, the runes made up a sealing spell that had the ability to drain the not-cat of her magic. After an hour in the cage, the guards in her thrall had dropped dead, and her form had shrunk back to the small kitten I remembered.
Her ears flattened at my approach. Clearly she was still holding a grudge at my involvement in spoiling her fun. I ignored her death glare and raised the book in front of her. Its pages flitted as a blue glow erupted. When the glow faded, I turned to see a page titled ‘Vorswine’.
“What the… fuck?” The horrific creature illustrated on the page looked nothing like a cat. It was like someone took a wild boar, carved a gash into its back and filled it with teeth and protruding hands. Its maw opened up into segmented parts, almost resembling a blooming flower. If flowers were made of nightmares and three tongues.
I returned to my seat and read the description. Vorswine: a shape-shifting creature that feasts on the minds and brains of its prey. Those who have been feasted upon can be used as puppets to drag more prey back to them. Vorswine will grow in both size and threat level with each mind eaten until they are capable of subduing larger prey. If no smaller food is available, they will begin poisoning the minds of larger creatures until they can be consumed.
Signs of possible vorswine poisoning include: headaches, a desire to eat brains, indigestion, nightmares and, in rare cases, an inability to digest strawberries.
“What’s with that book?” Basil asked.
I glanced nervously at my new companions. Now that I had the book in my hands, it was extremely tempting to ask if they’d allow me to record them as well. Yet such a question might seem offensive. Still, the commandeered castle bar was filled to the brim with all different kinds of demons I had never even dreamt of seeing in person. Lion-shifters were talking animatedly with a dour-looking vampire. A man that looked more bird than human guzzled beer while a centaur manned the bar. It was like I had stepped out of the real world and into all of the fantasy novels I had coveted as a kid.
Pushing down my nervousness, I flipped open the book to show off our previous entry. The shocked face of the phoenix made me giggle, thinking about what we had had to do to get that picture. “It’s basically a monster manual that will record whatever demon you point it at.”
“Really? Let me see.” Yala wiped beer foam away from his mouth and grabbed the book. He lifted it to his face and smiled wide. The pages glowed and flipped to the section on orcs and Yala’s profile appeared on a new page. His mouth fell open in astonishment as he watched the page fill out. “Unbelievable, it has my height, age and everything.” As he scanned the page, his eyes grew wide. “Damn, it even records that,” he said, glancing down at his crotch.
Basil shot him a disbelieving glance. “You’re kidding,” he said, before taking the book. The lamia held it up high and smiled like he’d seen Yala do before. When the page finished glowing, he read what was written while lips curved into a shit-eating grin, before he handed it back to Yala. “I win.”
Yala sputtered and grabbed the book back before looking over Basil’s page. He snorted and pushed the book away from him. “It doesn’t count as better just because you have two of them.”
Two?
“Jealous?” he asked, sipping his drink.
“Let me try.” I looked up to see the tavern owner descend upon the book. With the flex, he struck a pose and waited for his page to clear. Before I could stop myself, I cast a glance down at his spider half, wondering where exactly his dick would be.
Beside me, Dante chuckled and shot me a knowing glance.
Damn, caught red-handed.
It didn’t take long before more men gathered around and started shoving each other to grab at the book. Each striking poses more ridiculous than the last and bragging about the results.
“Beat that,” a centaur shouted. He crossed his arms over his chest and his tail flicked in a way that resembled my childhood horse after he’d completed a difficult jump. His showboating caused a few men to jeer at him and discredit his merits on the fact that he was half horse. Which… did seem unfair. It wasn’t until a minotaur stepped up and declared himself superior that the centaur finally stopped his gloating.
I didn’t think I’d get my wish in the form of a dick-measuring contest, but hey, a win is a win.
“Gods, what a beautiful time to wake up,” Alexis said. The sword unhooked herself from Dante’s belt and floated next to the table with a relieved sigh. “Truly, it must be my birthday.”
“I’m telling you, mine is bigger!” Someone shouted in the crowd.
“FROM THE BASE, I SAID!”
A small scuffle broke out and Alexis wasted no time in floating over. “Fellas, let’s all calm down,” she said cheerily. “I’ll be the judge. It’s only fair, seeing as I have no genitals. Now form a line. We’re not savages.”
“Always the opportunist,” Dante sighed.
“So, what are you two planning on doing now this is all over? Are you going to stay in Kirkwall?” I asked.
Basil shrugged. “Currently, I have no plans beyond this drink.”
Yala let off a loud burp. “I’ve had quite enough of Kirkwall. The plan is to keep looking for my brothers and the rest of the Monet clan. We got separated the last time Volsog Gate opened.”
“Did you say Monet clan?” We all looked at Dante, who suddenly looked more irked than he had a moment ago.
Yala’s posture straightened, his voice taking on a more nervous note. “… Yes. Has one of my kin done something to offend you?”
The dragon’s eyes narrowed dangerously. “Every damn day.” He stood. Yala flinched. Dante walked over to a decorative mirror hanging on the wall and raised his hand. He muttered something I couldn’t catch, and the mirror’s image started swirling. He beckoned us closer then stood aside.
