Page 42 of That Time I Got Drunk and Saved a Human
“Look, I can’t be expected to keep track of every flesh being I associate with. Let’s just find him something lemon-flavored and hit up more shops.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
We spent most of the day at boutiques, and I was keen to hit up the farmers’ market on the way back. With my food resources no longer limited to the island, I could finally cook some of the homemade food I’d been dreaming about for years. The smell of my ma’s cinnamon rolls had been haunting my dreams for too damn long.
I hailed the server over to us. In an instant, John flung himself over to our table with the speed of a man who could smell a fat tip coming his way.
He and the rest of the servers at The Royal Mockingbird wore grayish blue outfits with pristine, puffy white sleeves. The restaurant sat on the edge of a cliff overlooking the ocean. If the large sign they had out front was to be believed, this was the best view in Kirkwall, second only to the castle garden itself. As soon as we had entered, John had taken one look at my fine new clothing, and the tiara sitting proud on top of my head, and guided us onto the terrace with a wide customer-service smile.
The man in question now halted in front of our table with a practiced snap of his heels and gave a polite bow. “I trust everything has been to your liking, ladies?” he asked.
“Everything has been delicious, thank you,” I said, with the most polite smile I could manage. “Could we get a lemon tart and the roasted chicken to go?”
“Of course, ma’am. I’ll fetch that for you right away.” He turned to Alexis and inclined his head. “And for you ma’am?”
“None for me, thanks,” she replied.
He gave another bow, then disappeared back into the crowded restaurant. When I was sure he was out of earshot I whispered low to my companion, “I can’t believe he hasn’t asked why you can talk, yet.”
Alexis laughed. “Listen, John is about earning that bread and I respect it. He doesn’t have time for our games.”
A short time later, John returned with our food wrapped neatly in a little basket. I thanked him enthusiastically and handed him a few gold pieces. “Keep the change.”
He stared down at the coins in his hand with wide eyes. “Ma’am, did you hand this to me by mistake? Your bill was only ten copper.”
“Nope. That’s for you,” I said, gathering up our food. When he remained frozen next to the table, I maneuvered around him and waved goodbye as we left. Sunset bathed the busy street in a warm glow, while a salty sea breeze blew against wind chimes.
“I SAID I QUIT!” a voice bellowed. Alexis and I turned to see John kick open the doors to the restaurant and flee down the street, laughing in joy.
“Aww, look how happy you made him,” the sword cooed.
“I used to spend my winters working at a tavern in my hometown,” I said solemnly. “People are always jerks to servers.” Night after night of cleaning up after sloppy drunks had instilled a deep need in me to be kind to servers. I knew all too well how shitty the job was. Even though my boss, Sunbeam, took care of anyone that got too rowdy, I still had to deal with cruel insults and wandering hands. Being able to free someone else from that life felt fantastic.
I patted my full belly happily as we made our way through the busy streets and back toward our house. “What should we do after we drop Dante’s food off?” I asked.
“Hmm. Looks like we’re going to pass the coliseum on the way back, we could stop by and see if there’s a match tonight.”
“Oh, that does sound fun! I’ve never been to a gladiator match.” From our spot on the cliff I could see the marble columns of the coliseum in the center of the city. No doubt the biggest tourist attraction in Kirkwall, the coliseum was surrounded by shops, taverns and restaurants. Even if there wasn’t a fight tonight, there was no doubt we’d find something else to get into.
“Sorry, no demons allowed.” The burly knight guarding the coliseum’s entrance crossed his arms and scowled down at us, looking anything but actually sorry. His partner glowered in our direction before turning his attention back to the line of other patrons.
Alexis simmered into a burned orange before snapping back at him. “First of all, rude. Second, I’m not even a demon. I am a cursed object. If you’re going to be prejudiced, the least you could do is get it right.”
The knight rolled his eyes. “I don’t care if you’re cursed or a holy relic. No demons or demonic forces are allowed beyond this point.”
“If there are no demons allowed, then explain that,” I said, pointing to the sign advertising tonight’s attraction– a snakeman and an ogre facing off. It read ‘Boomslang vs Barbarian’ in bold red letters. I’ll admit I haven’t met a lot of demons, but I can say with confidence I’ve never met a human with half a snake’s body.
I peered past the guard to see if I could spot any gladiators milling about. If today’s fight was between a snakeman and an ogre, there could be even more types of demons working as gladiators. We’d been walking around for most of the day, and still hadn’t seen any other demons.
Would it be weird to ask them to sign my book?
The knight rolled his eyes. “Gladiators are the exception. A bit of blood entertainment is the only thing demons are good for, anyway. So unless your cursed sword,” he began, putting air quotes around the last bit, “plans on stepping into the ring, then you two need to get gone.”
Alexis floated closer. Her blade pulsed with a magic aura. “Oh, I’ll step into the ring alright. Why don’t you join me? I’ll show you a good time.”
He shifted his weight to one side before placing a hand at the sword on his belt. His voice took on a frosted edge as if he was looking at something disgusting. “If it were up to me, you and the rest of your filthy ilk wouldn’t be allowed past the city gates.”
Alexis gasped. “FILTHY? LOOK HERE, YOU POT-BELLIED BITCH!” She tipped herself forward until her blade pointed directly at the knight’s throat.
