Page 84 of Kiss Me at Christmas
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. The longer I left it, the worse it was going to look when I finally did tell you. I’m still getting used to being a parent; it doesn’t feel natural yet to casually proclaim myself a father. I don’t feel worthy of the title, for a start. And I knew I couldn’t tell you that I had a daughter without telling you the whole sorry tale, about how I had been oblivious to her existence and completely absent from her life until eleven months ago.”
“Why not? You could have just said ‘I’ve got a daughter’ and I wouldn’t have known any different.”
He laughed humorlessly. “Why not?Because since the moment I met you all I’ve wanted to do is tell you everything. Every time you pin me with one of your looks, I have an uncontrollable urge to overshare. I’m trained to play my cards close to my chest, and you make me want to blabber like some gossipy teenager. It’s disconcerting.”
“Oh, so it’s my fault? I see.”
“No, that’s not it. I’m not blaming you. I simply…” He sighed. “Because of the way that I feel about you, I couldn’t tell you part of it without telling you all of it, and if you knew all of it…” He fiddled with the spoon on his saucer. “I was afraid that you would judge me.”
“Why would I judge you?”
“I see the standards you set for yourself, and I didn’t like the idea of not measuring up.”
She wasn’t sure if she ought to be offended by this or not.
“I wouldn’t have thought…Idon’tthink any less ofyou because you are learning how to be a father to a daughter you didn’t know you had. If anything, I have more respect for you, not less.”
The compliment seemed to land heavily on him. He looked around the busy café and then took another swig of his coffee, avoiding her gaze.
“I didn’t expect—” He stopped and rubbed his temples. “I didn’t expect all the guilt that would come with being a parent.”
She huffed out a laugh at that.
“That’s another secret about parenthood that nobody ever tells you; it lurks in the same vault in your mind as eternal worry and constant fear. But if it’s any help at all, I always think the feelings of guilt are how you know you’re probably parenting right. It’s the ones who don’t give a rat’s cojones about how their actions will affect their kids that you’ve got to worry about.”
“Are you speaking from experience or trying to make me feel better?”
“Both.”
“I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings; that was the furthest thing from my intentions.”
There was a three-way wrestling match happening inside her brain: forgive him and move forward with whatever this thing was between them, forgive him but step away, or not forgive him and cut her losses. Was she a fool to believe that he was a good guy? She didn’t think so. He’d made an error of judgment and then found himself in too deep. She wasn’t so naïve as to think that all apologies were genuine, but this one was from his heart, and she knew it because she felt it strike deep into her own.
She slid her hand across the table toward his, stopping just shy of his fingers tapping nervously on thewood. He looked at her, and his amber eyes were fire. Then he dropped his gaze to the table and stretched his hand out toward hers, a mere breath of space between their fingertips now.
“I’ve missed so much of her life.” His voice was a low whisper, a rich, deep note that resonated inside her. “All the milestones. School plays, grazed knees, first steps, first smiles, it’s all happened without me. I’ve lost so much time that I can never get back. How can I ever make up for that? And what about the debt I owe Morgan? Lyra’s mum,” he clarified. “How can I ever make up for not being there to support her while she raised our daughter?”
The anger she’d felt toward him dissolved, and in its place was an ache in her chest for him. When she spoke again, her voice was soft.
“Maybe instead of dwelling on the time you’ve lost, you should put your energies into filling the present with moments that will make future memories.”
He sighed. “I know that you’re right. But I’m finding it hard to let it go. All my adult life I’ve been career oriented, setting goals and seeing how fast I could smash them. I was my only priority because there was only me and that made me selfish in a lot of ways, but it also didn’t matter. I mean, who was I hurting if I was only responsible for my own happiness?”
“That seems like a fair point.”
“But now everything is different because all that time therewassomeone out there that I should have been being responsible for. And now I look at my life choices and they feel, I don’t know, empty.”
“Don’t say that.”
“Why not?”
“Because you’re cheapening your achievements; allthe things you’ve worked hard for still count. You should be proud of the life you’ve created.” She chose her words carefully for the next question. “Does Lyra hold resentments?”
He shook his head, smiling at the mere mention of her name, and Harriet couldn’t help but want her own name to have that effect on him.
“No, none. At least none that she’s shown me. She is so much more than I deserve.”
“You’re being very hard on yourself.”
