Page 116 of Kiss Me at Christmas
“Herchild,” Harriet corrected. “She didn’t bring her up as a favor to you. She raised Lyra for Lyra’s sake alone because she’s a parent and that’s what we do.”
“Of course, you’re right. You are absolutely right. I worded that badly. It’s just that I have so much to make up for, I feel like I’m in her debt and I’ve got no way of repaying her.”
“And therein lies the problem, because I don’t know to what lengths you might go to assuage your guilt. And I get it, I honestly do. But I’m not going to put myself in a situation where I might be cast aside at any moment. That’s not going to be good for my mental health.”
He nodded, his expression grave, his eyes so sad that she wanted to swallow back all her words.
“What does that mean for us?” he asked.
She fought against the hopeful romantic in her head and the ache in her heart. Instead, she chose safety.
“It means I want to be your friend and I want to be a part of your life, but I can’t commit to more than that while Morgan is your priority. I have to choose to put me first.”
Thirty
It was two days beforecurtain up, and nervous energy crackled in the air like static. They had lost a whole day’s worth of rehearsals to the cleanup, and even with the eight industrial dehumidifiers roaring at full pelt the stage curtains were still wet. It didn’t help that the auditorium was only ever a few degrees above fridge temperature when all the heaters were on. Still, the stage had dried out remarkably well and the blue-whale-belly tarpaulin was holding fast.
By eleven o’clock the final backcloths had been rigged up and the stagehands knew exactly which one to drop for which scene. James was demonstrably absent, but thankfully Harriet didn’t have time to dwell on where he might be. Being “just” friends with James was proving to be infinitely harder than being lovers. Apparently, her heart hadn’t got the memo that they were now simply platonic because it still leaped every time he walked into a room. Her hands betrayed her too, twitching with a want to hold his whenever he was near. He had accepted her decision with good grace. He had been consummately respectful. And her irrational, traitorous heart yearned for him to fight for her like he’d promised he would.
Backstage was frenzied as people shimmied intocostume and makeup. For the people playing more than one part there would be quick costume changes between scenes, and Harriet, Hesther, and Farahnoush oversaw making sure these were readily available when the time came.
Gideon’s words of rousing encouragement carried all the way to where Harriet and Farahnoush were trying to do up Carly’s corset, which wasn’t easy with cold fingers.
“Players all! Hear me now! This will be our only full dress rehearsal, so let us make it count. We go live in two days. This is the quickest production I have ever worked on, but it has also been my greatest pleasure. You are all stars of the stage! Let us glisten like the celestial beings that we are! Everybody, stand by and take your places, please!”
There was a beat of almost total silence, bar the nervous breathing and the rustling of crinoline dresses, and then Prescilla’s piano playing began, and the first wave of actors and narrators took to the stage.
Backstage became a place of hushed frenetic business. Harriet grabbed her script and hurried into the wing, ready to prompt anyone who might need it.
“Miss,” Billy whispered.
“Yes,” she whispered back, not taking her eyes off the stage. “Are you ready? Is Sid okay? Not too nervous?”
“Nah, it’s not about that. It’s James, he wants to see you.”
She ignored the way her heart skipped a beat. “Well, I’m a bit busy, tell him to come here if he needs me.”
“Right. He said you’d say that, and he told me to tell you that he needs to show you something and he can only do it outside.”
“What?”
“Shhhhhhh!” Destiny hissed from across the stage. She was in the other wing—wound round in several meters of silver paper chains—and was making furious “fingers on lips” actions at her.
Sorry!Harriet mouthed back.
“I can take this over until you get back. He’s waiting out front for you.”
She harrumphed as quietly as she could, acutely aware of Destiny eyeing her from across the stage.
“All right, I’ll be as quick as I can,” she said grudgingly and handed Billy her copy of the play.
As she came down the main staircase, she saw people waiting to buy tickets at the box office in a queue that snaked around the foyer and out the door, letting in the fearful icy wind from outside. At least they were guaranteed an audience for their efforts.
Harriet pulled cardigans one, two, and three together and headed out into the snow. It was falling heavily; the head of white on the wall had grown four inches since she’d arrived that morning.
The Christmas tree looked resplendent, and the Salvation Army band played “Good King Wenceslas” despite the mounds of white covering their shoulders. A small boy stood with his face to the gunmetal sky catching large snowflakes on his tongue while his mother fished in her purse for a coin to drop into the charity bucket.
Harriet looked around and saw James stood in the small garden area of the theater, next to a trough filled with hellebores peeking their heads above the snow. His back was to her; he was wearing his long black woolen coat and hugging his arms around himself. She wanted to run to him. She longed to tell him that she wanted to be more than just friends, that she’d been hasty, that lifewas too short not to try the rogan josh. But maybe she was too late; maybe taking a step back had made him realize he had feelings for Morgan after all. The thought of it made her want to cry with frustration at her own stupid cautiousness.
