Page 66 of A December to Remember
“He sounds like a catch. Do you have his number?”
Simone spluttered out a snotty laugh. “You know, I kind of thought we’d done all the hard stuff. I’d had my eggs harvested and we had the donor and I had successful embryos... After all that, the actual getting pregnant part felt like a foregone conclusion. It isn’t like they didn’t warn me, they did, I just didn’t imagine it wouldn’t work. But they just wouldn’t take.” Her voice cracked again. “My womb is a fucking inhospitable environment. Why wouldn’t they stick?”
Star reached over and took her hands. “I don’t know.” She said. “I don’t know why. But I’m sorry.”
Simone looked down at her sister’s freckled skin, fingernails bitten down to the quick on child-sized hands. She sniffed and swallowed hard. “So, I’ve still got embryos frozen. I mean, technically, if we had the money, we could just go on and on trying.”
“And would you? If money wasn’t an object?”
She started sobbing again. It was like she had an endless supply of tears. “I don’t think I can. I think to keep going will end me. It will definitely end my marriage. But at the same time, how can I give up when there’s still a chance? When I’ve still got healthy embryos on ice?”
“Do you need someone to give you permission to stop?”
Simone looked up sharply.How can she know that?More tears, falling and falling, dripping off her nose and chin in a stream.
“Yes!” she managed to gasp out.
Star nodded and said quietly, looking into her sister’s eyes, “I give you permission to stop. You’ve tried really hard. And now it’s okay to stop.”
There was more to be said. Things that she couldn’t say to anyone else, even Evette, for shame and fear of judgment. Starlistened, never taking her eyes off her, prompting Simone gently when the silences fell and asking questions about terms she was unfamiliar with. After an hour, Simone was tired of the sound of her own voice, and she felt sure her sister must be too, but Star remained attentive.
The hours ticked past. It was gone two o’clock when they climbed the stairs, and Star, dressed in a pair of Simone’s pajamas with the legs and sleeves rolled up, climbed into bed with her sister.
“I love you, Twinkle-Star.”
“I love you too, Simona-Mona.”
They slept in a spoon shape, Star’s arm draped over Simone’s waist, Simone holding her sister’s hand to her chest in both of hers, just like they used to when they were children. Evette had been right: Simone did need her sisters.
29
Star had calleda family meeting. She had made up her mind last night, lying beside Simone, who had fallen into a heavy exhausted sleep. But to be sure, she had spent all day listening to her inner self, meditating and testing that her determination stood firm in the cold light of day. It did.
On this chilly Tuesday evening, they were now sitting in the cozy sitting room in Augustus’s flat. Star had lit candles along the fireplace and an incense stick smoked lazily on the coffee table.
She had deftly navigated the conversation around to Simone, and after some gentle cajoling, Simone had opened up to Maggie in the way she had to her the night before. It was important that Maggie knew the full story before Star made her proposal.
“The thing is,” she began when Simone had finished speaking. Suddenly she felt nervous. “The reason I called this family meeting is because, well, I’ve thought a lot about it, and I know this is the right thing for me and I think for you too...”
“Star, you’re jabbering. Stop it,” said Simone, blowing her nose after having sobbed unashamedly for the second time in as many days. Maggie was crying too. Their sister’s suddenuninhibited displays had left the other two without an emotional rudder, and the result was blubbing havoc.
“Sorry.” Star took a breath. “The thing is this. I could have it for you, your baby. I could have your baby for you if you’d like me to.”
Maggie let out a breath in surprise, while Simone glared at Star, as though this was a joke that she didn’t find funny. When no one spoke for a full minute, the vibe in the room began to feel uncomfortable, and Star wondered if she’d made a monumental faux pas. But she rode the discomfort because this felt like the right thing to do, something she knew shecoulddo for her sister that maybe no one else could.
“You mean, like surrogacy?” Maggie ventured.
“Yes. Only, I wouldn’t want paying. I might need help with expenses, but otherwise it would be a simple case of me growing your child for you and then handing it over.”
“You’re serious, aren’t you?” said Simone.
“Of course.”
More blank looks.
“When you think about it, it’s actually very simple. You really want children, you haven’t been able to get pregnant yet, and I know that I can get pregnant, so it makes sense.”
Simone winced but recovered herself and said cautiously, “A somewhat generalized statement, but there is truth to it, unfortunately.”
