Page 85 of Meet Me Under the Mistletoe
“I felt trapped earlier in the library, like you were all ganging up on me. I reacted badly. I attack when I feel cornered. It’s not ideal, it’s just how I respond. But I am sorry, for all of it.”
“It’s not only me you need to apologize to. Your wife would be a good start. Isaac didn’t deserve your vitriol either. And Charles was only trying to help. It took a lot for him to open up like that, and you belittled him.”
“I know.”
“Can’t you see how amazing Camille is? Why do you not want to at least try and make things right?”
“That’s the problem. She is amazing. She’s too good for me.”
“If you’re looking for me to disagree with you, it’s not going to happen.” Nory leaned back on the sofa with her arms folded.
“I’m not. She’d be better off without me.”
“That’s just an excuse because you’re too lazy to make the effort to be a better man.”
“Maybe you’re right. I don’t have it in me to be good enough.”
Nory frowned. He seemed genuine but she couldn’t be sure.
“I’m a fuckup,” he went on, his voice cracking. “I love her so much. I spend every waking hour in terror of the moment Camille gives up on me.”
“But if you’re so afraid of that happening, then why do you keep pushing her toward that conclusion?”
Guy rubbed his eyes and then winced. Gray-blue bruises were beginning to bloom in the sockets. He looked worn down. Without his cocksure bravado, he was just a sad, tired man who drank too much.
“I don’t know how to explain it,” he said, staring at his wedding ring. “If she leaves me, then I can stop worrying about it, it’ll be done, and I can get on with my life.”
“Guy, that makes absolutely no sense. You are perpetuating abehavior that will bring about something that you don’t want to happen, just because you’re tired of worrying that itwillhappen. Do you see the madness in that?”
“I didn’t say it made sense. I’m explaining to you what is happening in my head. I have never been good enough. God knows my father’s taken every opportunity to remind me that I never reached mypotential.And then this amazing woman falls in love with me. And it’s real. She really loves me—I couldn’t believe it. I tried so hard to ignore the voice in my head. I even thought maybe Icouldbe the man Camille thought I was. Then the kids came along, and all I could think was, I’m so lucky, I don’t deserve to be this happy. But I knew I wasn’t good enough for them, I knew I would let them down.”
Nory didn’t know what to say.
Tears pooled in Guy’s eyes, and he blinked them away, rubbing at them roughly with his sleeve.
“It’s agony to know you don’t deserve the things that you love most in the world,” he said, looking at Nory helplessly. “I just want it to be over. Camille is suffering, and it’s all my fault.”
“Someof itisyour fault, but I think she’s also going through some stuff that has nothing to do with you. I think you’re both having these huge life crises and suffering in silence.”
“Do you really think she’s in danger of having a breakdown?”
“I don’t know, Guy. I’m not a professional. All I know is she’s hurting.”
“I don’t want her to hurt,” Guy sobbed. “I can’t stand it.”
“I know you don’t want to hear this, but Charles is right. You need counseling. You need counseling, and Camille needs counseling, and then you and Camille need counseling together.”
“That’s a lot of counseling for a man who doesn’t like talking about his problems.” Guy gave a halfhearted laugh.
“Yes, well, your lack of talking has messed you up and now you’ve got to unpick all the knots you’ve created.”
“Thank you, Nory. I am genuinely sorry that I’m such a shit.”
“Stop being a shit and I’ll accept your apology.”
Nory grabbed a coffee and went back to her room. She wondered if it was too late for Guy to change. Was there an age at which personalities became set in stone? She hoped not. She’d like to think that redemption was always a possibility. She thought of her brother’s innate ability to always jump to the worst possible conclusion where she was concerned. He surely loved her deep down, so what was it that kept them so at odds? Was it a habit so entrenched it had become subconscious? And if so, would they ever be able to break the cycle? She wondered how bad the fallout would be when he found out she and Isaac had decided to ignore his impolite requests not to get involved with each other. She wasn’t looking forward to that conversation one bit!
Twenty-four
