Page 44 of Christmas at the Ranch
And it’s true. She’s walking forward with confidence,her head raised, her ears pricked forward. Eager, not nervous. But still, I hear Tate sigh.
“Yeah, but it’s on me, some of what’s happening here at the ranch. I focused on getting younger horses, Thoroughbreds, because I wanted to try to put together a show team. Then, we went into debt.” Another sigh. “And lessons slowed down. Now it seems that mostly what people want is just to go on trail rides in the summer. People from out of town. No one who lives nearby can afford to put their kids in shows these days; the fees are just way too expensive. I need to get back to basics, regular lessons, but…” He trails off. “Sorry. This is not your problem. And we should be focusing on Star.”
“No,” I say. “You can talk to me. I remember your dream of having a show team. I’m sorry that’s been derailed these past few years, but don’t beat yourself up over pursuing your dream, over focusing on show horses rather than trail horses. You haven’t done anything wrong.”
“It hasn’t exactly been great for business,” he says. “But I’ve got some other ideas.”
“Oh, yeah? Like what?”
“I’m trying to hire a riding instructor, for a more basic, kid-focused riding school. And I think Charlie and I could do well if we could put a bit more into horse training.”
“Oh, that’s perfect,” I find myself exclaiming. “Remember how much you used to love watchingHeartland?”
He laughs softly, surprised. “I think you’re the onlyperson who knows that about me,” he says. “I freakinglovedthat show.”
“You’re kind of reminding me of Amy right now,” I say. Amy was one of the main characters, a talented and intuitive horse trainer on the popular CBC show. “You’re like a horse whisperer, here with Star.”
He looks up at me again, and I’m grateful the sun is almost set, that I can’t see the exact shade of his eyes, the intensity of them that is sure to derail my central nervous system.
“Well, I wouldn’t go that far,” he says, his voice bashful now. “You’re the one who is riding her, so give yourself some credit. But I do hope I can start building up my horse-training skills, and our client list. I was thinking if I could move all the school and boarder horses into the larger south stable, with someone hired to take care of that end of things, and turn the north building into a training, conditioning, and rehabilitation barn, we could be onto something. I have a few clients lined up already, from some of the trade shows I’ve gone to. I just need to hire a new riding instructor to help us manage the school, because we need to keep it going. The hiring has been a bit of a process. But I’m close to finalizing that.”
A crow swoops down from a tree, and Star is surprised, but she doesn’t spook. Again, Tate praises her, then looks up at me, smiling proudly, as if to say,Look at you two now. I smile, too, and pat her shoulder gently.
“Your plans sound amazing. I’m so impressed,” I say.
“Yes, well, right now they’re just that. Plans. But I feel closer every day to bringing them to fruition.”
“I knew you when all this was just a dream, you running this place. I know it might sound weird of me to say this, but I’m proud of you, Tate.”
He looks up at me, thoughtful—and then suddenly, as if he can’t resist it, he grins.
“Thanks, Emory,” he says. “I really mean that. Your opinion means a lot to me.”
We walk on in silence for a little while. Then, he says, “Okay, I think this is enough for today. I don’t want to push her, or you, too far. But I’m glad we did this.”
He leans his head down and speaks softly to Star. “You did so well, girl. You have to keep it up, keep trying,” he says, as if she’s human and can understand. And from the way she nickers at him, I really think she can.
I’m touched by his words—not him thanking me, or not just that, but the way he’s speaking to Star. His love of her is almost palpable, like something I could reach out and hold, soft against my chest. He doesn’t fully understand her, because she can’t talk back to him. But, oh, how hard he tries.
“You’re going to be such a great horse trainer,” I say.
“You might be giving me too much credit today. You’re the one who was riding her.”
“More like, I was along for the ride.”
“No,” he says firmly. “That’s not all this is and youknow it. Not just anyone could be riding her right now. You were there when she was born. You helped. You care about her, and I’m sure she can feel that. You’ve stayed calm with her, even though she threw you off two days ago. Even after you knew there was a risk to this, that there still is, you still wanted to come out here.”
For a second, it feels like he’s talking about something else—about us. I think of my old bell hooks book, and the words about the risk of love. The risk of pain. And I know exactly what he means. I realize that my reaction to his gaze, to the sound of his voice, to my memories of us, spook me the way Star gets spooked. I’m terrified of getting hurt again.
And I should be.
Because Mariella exists. For the past few hours, it’s been as if she doesn’t. But she does. He has someone. Tate does not belong to me. After this week, I’ll probably never see him again. I’ll never ride Star again. I’ll never be back on this trail.
I grip the saddle pommel and look straight ahead at the forest path in front of us: the trees and the sunset’s orange glow through their branches. The snow and the beauty of it all. I try to lose myself and my emotions in that.
“Emory?” Tate’s voice breaks through the noise in my head. “You okay?”
Can he sense it, I wonder, can he feel my heart the way a horse can? Does he know what I’m feeling, still?
