Page 9 of The Holiday Honeymoon Switch
“It’s in my room,” Ivy says. “I turned it off. Is that okay?”
Holly nods. “Well, whatever time it is, we don’t need to be up. Since there’s nowhere we need to be today.” The half-empty tequila bottle is still on the coffee table, but she feels perfectly hydrated and physically fine. Except for her chest. Something is wrong with it. She lifts her hand to her heart, holds it there for a moment.
“You look like you’re checking to see if your heart is still in there.”
“That’s exactly what I’m doing,” Holly says. “I can feel it beating, so objectively, I know it’s there. But it’s like…there’s a big empty space where my heart is supposed to be. Is that normal?”
“I’m so sorry. This is not fair. I hate that this is happening to you.”
“Itdidhappen, right? I didn’t dream it?”
Ivy shakes her head sadly. “This is real. Do you want to try to go back to sleep, or do you want coffee?”
Holly sighs. “I want both. To be able to sleep if I need to, but also to have the warm comfort of a cup of your coffee with a splash of your dad’s maple syrup.”
Ivy stands. “I think we’ve finally found the only situation decaf coffee is good for, then.”
“A silver lining.” Holly manages a weak smile.
As Ivy leaves the room, Holly pulls the duvet around her shoulders and turns toward the large, east-facing windows that are her favorite feature of her best friend’s cozy, boho-chic Greenwich Village walk-up. The city is still dark, the dawn bejeweled with lights, but a glow is starting to shimmy over the skyline like a teenager sneaking back in the window after a night out. This day will officially begin soon—and it will not be the one Holly has been imagining for a decade. She touches her chest again, feels her still-beating but sensationless heart. Everyone talks about the pain of a broken heart, but no one has ever mentioned the yawning chasm. The nothingness of it all. Holly supposes that’s because it wouldn’t make for a very good love song:My heart is a terrifying pit of loneliness.Definitely wouldn’t make the top forty. She hugs her knees and keeps staring out the window. Shouldn’t she be angry? Is she doing this right? Why is she so numb?
Ivy is back, holding two steaming mugs. Holly accepts hers—she always uses the one that says “I hope your day is as nice as your butt,” a gift from one of Ivy’s old boyfriends; Ivy always uses the mug with Bigfoot on it that says “I believe,” which they bought on a California road trip—and inhales the fragrant steam. It smells like home, friendship, comfort. “You always make the best coffee,” she says.
“But you’re staring into the mug like you’re channeling Carly Simon.”
“Clouds in my coffee, yeah.” Holly peers deeper into the cup. “I wish there were some answers in here.”
“You know you don’t have to have all the answers right now, don’t you? It’s okay to just wallow.”
Holly looks up. “Matt said there was someone else.” She hates the way this becomes more real when she says it aloud. “I told you that last night, right? It’s a bit hazy.”
Ivy nods. “You did.”
She closes her eyes and presses her lips together. This is hard to say, but she knows she can admit it to Ivy. “I think I knew.” She puts her mug down beside the unused sheet masks from the night before. “As soon as he said it last night, that he was having an emotional affair, Iknewwho it was. We were at a work thing a few months ago, and there was a new lawyer on his team named Abby. There was a vibe between them. They finished each other’s sentences. They were both Blink-182 fans. Then, a few weeks ago, he texted me, ‘I can’t wait to see you tonight, Abby.’ A minute later, he wrote, ‘Oops, my phone autocorrected from “baby”! LOL.’ But he’s never called me ‘baby.’ Not once. It was right there in front of me.”
“Crushes happen, though. Even when people are in a committed relationship, they just do. It’s human nature. So the fact that you chose not to freak out and throw a jealous fit because he had chemistry with a coworker, and sent a text with a typo—that’s just a testament to what a levelheaded, reasonable, excellent partner you are. It was notyourresponsibility to stay on top of whether Matt was having an affair, emotional or not. But itwason Matt to sort this outand decide if it was something you needed to know, a long time before the eve of your wedding. This is not your fault. Don’t do this to yourself.”
“I know you’re right. It’s just…I have no idea how to do this!”
“Do what? Be sad? There’s no right way to deal with heartache, Hol. You just have to let it happen.”
“Can you come sit beside me?”
“Of course.” Ivy joins Holly on the couch, puts her arm around her friend. Holly feels grateful for the comforting proximity, but it doesn’t help. “You’re not alone, okay?” Ivy says.
“Remember that night in the summer when we went out with Oscar, after he got dumped by Kyle?” Oscar is one of Ivy’s friends from her college years, and now a good friend of Holly’s, too.
“I think so…”
“I remember you told him that everyone has their heart broken at least once, and that it builds character. You said all that stuff about being stronger in your broken places, and I’m pretty sure you also talked about kintsugi—”
“Oh, dear. I’m sorry,” Ivy says.
“No, no, you helped him. But the truth is it scared me a bit. It’s like I had a premonition that night. I’ve always played it safe. My high school boyfriend and I broke up mutually and respectfully—”
“Like you were a teenage Gywneth and Chris. I’ve always marveled at the yearly Christmas card he sends—”
“Yes, exactly. Of course I was nostalgic for a while, but I wouldn’t say I was heartbroken in the technical sense. Then there was that guy who slid the anonymous Christmas card in my locker—”
