Page 45 of A Heart Of Bitter Poison
“You almost sound like the Shadow Realm is better than your time as a human.”
“It is,” he says, and his conviction surprises me. His eyes anchor onto mine. “There’s horror there. There is. You know it too. You’ve felt it. But there’s also potential. It could be something different. It just needs to heal and find its purpose again.”
“How do you heal a place like that?”
“With love, Lu. One soul at a time. One beast at a time,” Cole says, gesturing with his glass toward Urtur whose head still rests comfortably on my lap. Cole’s smile has an uncomfortable amount of wisdom in it for looking so youthful. “One demon at a time.”
“I know where this is going. And first of all, he has loved before.”
“Not like you. And I don’t think he was ever loved in return the way that you loved him.”
“Christ, Cole,” I groan, running a hand down my face. I pull it away when I realize how much it smells like dog. “You have enough angel in you to be obsessed with shipping literally any couple no matter how fucked up they are, and enough demon in you to enjoy watching as they inevitably burst into flames and crash like a train wreck.”
Cole laughs. “Nah, Lu. I’m just telling you what I see. A demon tormented by love.”
I roll my eyes. I feel a blush burning its way up my neck and into my cheeks. Cole gives me a flicker of a smile and I look down into Urtur’s fur. “Neither of us knows that for sure. I mean, it’s not like we were even together that long.”
“You know as much as I do that a second of time can mean as much as a day or a week or even years.”
Fuck. I do know that, but I scowl at Cole anyway. “We don’t even know if this is all some great play for power. He doesn’t actually tell me how he feels. He never has. So whatever love you think you see in him could just as well be an illusion.”
“Come on, Lu. You kill him multiple times and yet he still comes back for you. He’s running around the Living Realm when he should probably be planning a war, but instead he’s threatening to turn people’s eyes into cake pops just because he’s worried about you. He could have brought you back to the Shadow Realm ten times over already, and yet he willingly hangs out with all kinds of immortals that pretty much despise him just to stay close to you. I mean, jeez, he even talks to Eryx, who’s technically his mortal enemy.”
“I don’t think threatening to rip Eryx’s wings off to feed them to Urtur counts astalking,” I say. Urtur’s tail swishes on the couch, and I’m not sure if it’s because I said his name or because he wants to snack on angel wings. “There is no proof that he does love me or anyone else except himself. And I’m not going to forgive him just because it would be good for the Shadow Realm. I owe him and his realm nothing. No offense.”
“Lu,” Cole says, drawing my name out long. He leans forward in his chair, resting his forearms on his knees. His eyes burrow right into me with his penetrating gaze. “I’m not saying any of this for his benefit or for the Shadow Realm. I’m saying it because I see how you’ve taken on the job of torturingyourselfnow. You are angry, and hurt, and you have every right to be. But I also saw the way you looked at Ashen when he burst into that room in Cairo. You wanted him there and yet you were angry with yourself for accepting what he offered. I don’t mean the blood, but the care and support. Am I right?”
I swallow a tightness that closes around my throat. I look away to the shadows in the corner of the room. I nod once.
“I get it, Lu. When Eryx first found me, I wanted nothing to do with his forgiveness. I didn’t want to feel his love, or my own. I was too angry with myself. I was too worried about making another mistake or about what I could lose. With time, I learned to give myself permission to feel these things.” Cole drains his glass and stands, crossing around behind my couch. He stops on his way to the kitchen and lays a hand on my shoulder, leaning closer to my ear. “You can give yourself permission to still feel love for him too. You don’t have to punish yourself for it. You don’t have to punish yourself for accepting it either. It’s okay to feel it all.”
I don’t turn to look at Cole. I don’t want him to see the tears that flood my eyes. But I put my hand on his and squeeze. I give a little nod before I look down into my wine, the base of the glass nearly hidden in the depths of Urtur’s fur.
Cole gives a kiss to the top of my head before he walks away. And I sit for a long time in the dark with the jackal, think about his words, about how to heal a broken realm. How to heal a broken soul, a broken heart. It happens one moment of love at a time.
If only I could let it heal me too.
CHAPTER18
My head is buzzing. Hornets swarm within the confines of my skull.
I think I’m blinking but I can’t see beyond a white squall. I’m in a blizzard. Snow swirls across my skin. It’s so cold here. I’m lost and it’s so cold and white.
“Stop hovering. You’ll freak her out.”
“She is alreadyfreaked out, witch.”
“Well, you’ll freak her outmorebeing a scary demon with smoke wings and fire eyes. Just chill the fuck out. Take her hand. No, herhand, not her arm, dumbass.”
“What difference does it-”
“Let go,” Ediye hisses in a fierce whisper as I start to thrash and twist. “That’s where they grabbed her to take her away.”
There’s a silent pause. I feel a band of warmth leave my arm and the fight dissolves from my limbs. My mind feels cleaved in two. One half is conscious but unable to move, the other is trapped somewhere frightening and far away.
“You want to help for real? Learn how to do it right. Take her hand. Talk to her calmly.”
I feel a warm palm close around mine. It might be the only thing keeping me here on Earth.
