Page 47 of A Heart Of Bitter Poison
There’s a weighty pause of silence. “You’re never going to convince yourself of that, you know.”
I sigh. I wish she was wrong.
Ediye leaves me to my thoughts in the hot stream of water to retrieve another set of night clothes, and leaves them on the counter with a vial of statera elixir before heading back to her room. When I’m dried off and my damp hair is twisted into a bun, I pad through the dark hallway back to my room.
The door is ajar when I get there. The Reaper paces by the window, lost in thought, a stream of smoke and cinders drifting in his wake. He stills when he hears the door close and turns in my direction. We stand watching one another for a long moment, unmoving.
“I’m sorry,” he finally says.
“It wasn’t your fault.” Though I kind of wish it was. Part of me would like to lay more blame at his feet. But he was there with me, on the floor, with my hand in his. He didn’t have to be. And as much as I know I shouldn’t want to be near him, part of me still does. I look at him now, standing by the window, and it doesn’t take preternatural senses to see the pain and guilt in Ashen, even from this distance, even in the dark.
Ashen keeps the flame within his eyes trained on the floor. “I will not let it happen again.”
“You might not have a choice.”
“I should have stayed awake. Or stayed by the door,” Ashen says quietly as he meets my eyes. “Maybe a different choice could have led to a different conclusion.”
“It’s not that bad. It’s just a few cuts and some redecoration.”
“That is not how it felt on the other side.”
I tilt my head, considering his words.
Not how itfelt.
Ashen never talks about how somethingfeels. It’s always how it is, how it was. But not the emotion it leaves behind.I’m the one who is left defenseless as you dismantle my walls, stone by stone.But he didn’t tell me he was afraid, or hopeful.You have stolen my heart, vampire. But he never said he loved me.
Maybe that’s how I fell so easily into the darkness of the Shadow Realm. I filled in the blanks. Yet, right now, this is different. And it’s the second time tonight. He’s angry at himself and said as much, and now there’s something else.
“How did it feel? On the other side?” My voice is quiet, full of weariness and the anticipation of being left to fill in those blanks once more.
Ashen looks away into the comfort of darkness for a long moment. I think he’s not going to answer, but then when his gaze returns to me, his jaw tightens.
“Like diving into deep water and drowning in it. Like helplessness.”
Silence invades the space between us once more. We watch one another from our bastions of shadows, neither of us wanting to move or break whatever spell this moment is.
Slowly, the sparks dim and the smoke recedes. Ashen moves to the bed and draws the covers back, gesturing for me to get in. I don’t have the energy to fight every suggestion tonight. Between a restless sleep, lingering alcohol, emotional disarray and a scalding hot shower, I’m willing to trade a truce for some rest. So I climb into the bed and lie down without argument, almost sighing when the cover is draped over my body. Ashen settles next to me but stays above the covers. His hand folds across my wrist and he draws it up, inspecting my fingers in a shaft of moonlight that filters through the slit in the curtains.
“Unhealed,” he observes. The cuts are still open and sore, but no longer bleeding.
“It’s the silver in thekaiken. It’ll take a little longer.”
My pulse thrums with heavy beats as Ashen takes time to look at every notch and slice. One of his thumbs follows the path of the heart line on my palm, so slow that maybe he thinks I won’t notice. But I do.
“You can take my blood to heal faster,” he says in a voice that’s low and almost hopeful.
I don’t answer, but I don’t reject him outright either. My heart leads my mind to exactly where it shouldn’t go, and I think about what it would be like if we had mated. Taking his blood would be natural. Normal. Something as simple as this would barely be a question, and I wouldn’t hesitate to take it. But we’re not mates, and every drop I do take brings me one step closer to needing it. And it’s a need that is one-sided. I’m a vampire, it’s not like it should be a surprise that someone’s blood might call to me. I just don’t think what little blood I gave to Ashen during that fight when we first met has the same effect on him.
“I can’t,” I finally say, but I don’t pull my hand away. “Besides, it’ll be much better by morning. I need to hunt tomorrow anyway. For now, I just need rest.”
“You just need rest,” he echoes. The shadows consume his quiet words, and all that’s left for a long moment is breath and heartbeats. Ashen turns my hand over and brings it to his lips, pressing a lingering kiss to my knuckles. My bones seem to heat with his touch. “Sleep well, vampire. No more wandering away.”
With the heavy notes in his voice, I don’t think he means just sleepwalking. He’s talking about running. From him. It feels like this is something he wants for himself, not for his greater goal or for the glory of his realm. It’s tempting to believe, even after everything he’s done to show that my belief in him is naive and misplaced. But the thought still fills my chest with warmth, no matter if I want it to or not.
I give myself permission to feel just a little bit. Only the anchoring warmth of his touch in this moment of uncertainty about what’s happening to me. So I let his hand close around mine. I let him lay his arm across my ribs. I can accept this moment of offered comfort so I can rest.
I take off some of the armor around my heart, and I fall asleep with Ashen’s arm draped across my body and my hand encased in his.
