Page 100 of After the Siren
‘Grumpy.’
‘I can hear you,’ Jake said from the living room. ‘You’d be fucking grumpy, too.’
‘You’re the new favourite, Stavs,’ Paddy said.
‘What?’ Theo put on some toast.
‘The fans. You’re their new favourite.’ He cleared his throat. ‘“I take back every bad thing I ever said about Bestavros. He’s my hero. About time somebody stood up for @jcjk9.”’
‘I tried to punch someone in the face. It was a bad thing to do.’
‘Nah,’ Paddy said. ‘It was the right thing to do.’
‘You stopped me,’ Theo pointed out.
‘You would’ve broken your handandgotten suspended for ages.’ He paused, still scrolling. ‘They get better. “Bestavros can punch me in the face any time.” “Bestavros could hit me with his car and I’d thank him.” “My girlfriend and I have agreed that Bestavros is our hall pass.” “Against all violence except the righteous violence of Theo Bestavros.”’
Theo managed a smile. Maybe he’d find them funnier in the morning.
‘Are you okay, Stavs?’ Xen asked, taking the soup out of the microwave. It smelled excellent, and Theo’s stomach growled. ‘You want some?’
‘If there’s some going. And yeah, I’m good.’ It was a lie, and Xen probably knew it was a lie, but Theo wasn’t going to talk to Xen and Paddy about it. He needed to talk toJakeabout it.
Theo took two serves of soup and toast into Jake’s bedroom on a tray – God knows why Xen owned a tray like they were in a period drama – and then helped Jake off the couch and onto his bed. It was like manhandling a helpless and very sulky kitten. If Jake had been able to go limp and dangle resentfully in Theo’s grasp, Theo was sure he would have.
There wasn’t anywhere to sit except the bed, so Theo dragged in a dining chair and used the nightstand as a table. He wanted, desperately, to get on the bed next to Jake. To wrap an arm around him and pull him close. He wanted to bury his face in Jake’s hair and know he was safe and warm and alright. His skin would smell of the locker-room body wash Tenders had bought as a joke – mango and coconut.
He’d asked Jake what he’d want if they weren’t teammates. But he hadn’t asked Jake what he wanted outright. Maybe because he already knew, and he’d known he wouldn’t be able to hear it and stick to his guns.
Jake took a spoonful of soup. Theo had never seen him look less enthusiastic about food.
‘I’m sorry,’ Theo said. Which was absolutely a cop-out.
Jake looked up. ‘For what?’
‘For losing my shit. We said we’d stop hooking up because we didn’t want to risk something like this happening, and then I did it anyway.’
‘I don’t know why you’re apologising tome.You’re the one who could have been suspended.’
‘You could have been seriously hurt!’ Theo said. ‘Punching Collins might have been worth it.’
He was, rationally, glad Paddy had stopped him. But not all of him was rational. Some part of him still wished he’d been able to punch Jamie Collins in the jaw, damn the suspension and the broken hand.
Priya liked to askwhat’s the worst that could happen?She really meant it, too. She wanted you to take the worst-case scenario and examine it from every angle. So he did. A worst-case scenario: they were together, then they broke up, and Theo got traded to somewhere awful. Or not at all and his career was done.
It was a risk.
Another risk: he could give up the chance of something with Jake, somethinggood, and watch him fall in love with someone else. And maybe one day Theo would be at Jake Cunningham’s buck’s party, drinking a daiquiri through a penis-shaped straw, and watching Jake’s whole face light up with the thought of someone other than Theo. Jake smiling at someone else the way Jake smiled at him.
He could give Jake up and, a year later, break his leg. He could lose footy any number of ways. And he was going to give Jake up without eventrying? Give Jake up the way he’d never given up footy, because he loved footy, and he’d been willing tofightfor it? Give Jake up because sometimes his anxious brain shouted loudly enough to make him believe his worries and insecurities were certainties?
Fuck that.
‘I ...’ he started to say.
Jake had been staring into the soup. ‘Yeah?’ He took another disconsolate spoonful of broth.
‘I didn’t ask you what you wanted.’
